Struggling with parenting

Hi Lego Girl, your situation sounds very similar to mine. I am autistic and so is my son. He has huge meltdowns, hitting us and throwing things. My wife is 8 months pregnant and has had to call the hospital more than once because of him hitting her in the stomach. His meltdowns make me feel the need to meltdown just like you so I get that too. I cant imgaine how hard it must be to deal with all this as a single parent. You sound like an amazing and brave mom!

Heres a few things that, through trial and error and speaking to lots of other autistic parents and parents of autistic kids, I have found help

Taking away toys. If my boy hits us he loses his toy cars for a certain period of time. This seems to have an effect on him that things like naughty chairs never did. 

Explaining that she could hurt you and that her hitting and throwing is making you sad. Say it slowly and deliberatley and explain. Our kids love us and they are good kids. Realising they are actually hurting you and making you sad does make them hit less

Try to turn off sources of stimulation when she is having a meltdown. As soon as my boy starts a meltdown the TV, spotify, whatever goes off so there are less things to give him a sensory overload and over stimulate him. This helps make him calm down quicker. 

Find out if certain foods affect her. My boy becomes very hyper and overstimulated the instant he eats chocolate, even if it is only a small bit. He still has sweets and is ok with that but we have noticed a huge difference by cutting chocolate out of his diet

Get lots of fidget toys. My boy likes the one that looks like a playstation controller and the rubber one that you can bite down on when upset. These are all cheap on ebay, I can send you the links if you need. 

FInd things that calm her down. My boy finds watching vidoes of people playing with toy cars on you tube is a real calming thing for him so we always suggest watching this to him when he is destressed

Reach out and get help. There are support groups for autistic parents and there is lots of support you can get with your daughter. Contact your local council, explain the situation and see what they have on offer in your area. We have found a parent support group in ours and have also enrolled our son in the NAS Early BIrd programme. I dont know what age that goes up to though. Its likely your council might have similar stuff. Her school may be able to point you in the right way too, I dont know

Keep reaching out! You are not alone and dont despair, you are doing a good job

It sounds like you’re finding your way through this. I can’t even imagine how someone would have a child and then not want to know them - as I say it’s his loss more than anyones. I can imagine how it must be upsetting for your daughter - thank goodness you are there for her 100% and won’t let her down. We can’t be perfect parents but as long as our children know we’re always there for them and always on their side and doing our best - then I think that’s ultimately what matters the most. Everyone has rocky periods and a crisis here and there - but in most cases we get through fairly unscathed in the end! Good luck ! X 

Hi Kate thanks for your lovely reply.

Unfortunately as soon as I found out I was pregnant her dad flew off so it is hard but mostly hard for her as she misses him I think. She's not really known him but I think she wishes he was there maybe.

I'm not sure of the exact cause of all this. It does seem to happen around mealtimes and bedtime. I think maybe she's getting upset at school like perhaps the lessons are too much for her or the class is too loud? I'm not sure. I've asked but she won't or can't say. I'm patient though and always reassure her she can talk to me about anything when she's ready to. I'm always 100% with her no matter what and I do remind her of this though I make sure not to put her under any pressure as well. She was sick the last few days so I'm wondering if that might have caused some of this? She's not the best at saying how she feels.

Thanks Kate I know we'll get there it just seems a long time coming at the moment. I do wish I had more help with her but I'm hoping I can get to the bottom of this and help her through it all. Chances are she wouldn't trust anyone else to help her anyway. It's a shame about her dad I wish there was something I could do to help her with that. 

Thanks so much!

I’m sorry - that sounds incredibly stressful for both of you. And I’m also very sorry that her Dad is obviously no help to you both whatsoever - that’s dreadful and must be a very hard thing to deal with. His loss of course. 
Presumably your daughter is doing this because she is feeling overwhelmed for some reason. Is it always around mealtimes that this happens? Is she having problems at school which result in her letting out the stress of that when she gets home? As she is 6 it’s likely that she will be able to talk about how she is feeling and why she is behaving in this way. Essentially you need to be a bit of a detective and set to work on finding out what is behind these meltdowns - then you can address the cause. In the meantime try to help her to feel safe and let her know that you want to understand what’s making her feel this way, and that as her mum your 100% on her side, and you love her and you’re going to help her to feel better. 
You’ll get through this together - and when you do your relationship will be all the stronger for it. Tread gently with her, listen to her, help her to feel safe and secure. There will be a reason for her behaviour - that’s certain. You just need to find the reason and help her to cope. Her Dad not being in the picture is a great shame - that in itself is a lot for her to cope with I imagine. 
I’m sorry you’re feeling unwell too - that can’t be easy. I hope you feel better soon. Please don’t feel like a failure - life’s hard enough as it is without you talking yourself down - try not to engage in negative self-talk - be kind to yourself! You’re working hard to be a good mum to your daughter - give yourself credit for that. You’ll work through all these problems in time x