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Violent son

Billy87

Me and my wife are really struggling to look after our son. We love him more than life itself and he's a lovely caring good natured boy most of the time but he can be so violent and we dont know what to do about it.

He is 3 years old and on the waiting list for an autism diagnosis. (I am autistic too)

The thing is he can be incredibly violent. He doesnt usually even seem agressive when he does it, a lot of the time he is laughing like its a game. He punches me full on in the teeth, face and head. He kicks me in the head when I'm in bed in the morning

My wife is 8 months pregnant and has to spend almost a whole day with a cushion over her tummy cos he hits her in the stomach so much, sometimes when hes angry and sometimes when hes excited. He also tries to gouge our eyes and various other things

It sounds silly to be threatened by a 3 year old but he is freakishly, almost superhumanly strong for his age and often stronger than either me or my wife

We are both at breaking point and turning on each other over it and  I dont know what to do. If hes like this when he's older he might have to go into care or something as it wont be safe for us or the new baby to be around him

We love him so much hes our world and honestly most of the time he is the sweetest most caring lovely boy you could meet. Its just these epizodes of violence and at the moment they are at least twice a day 

Desperate, dont know what to do or any stratagies to use. We have had support from our Health Visitor but theres only so much they can do

  • i've never had kids. idk, explaining things to a three year old doesn't seem to make much sense to me, considering he probably has very poor impulse control... what about getting him into a kiddie-gym class, or acrobatics for three year olds? he may be pretty athletic. maybe it would help focus his energies...........

  • Dear BillyC87,

    Thank you for sharing this with our community. You may like to look at our page about distressing behaviour, https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/distressed-behaviour/all-audiences.

    I hope this helps. Take care!

    Best regards,

    Eunice Mod

  • Hi 

    I have a 4 year old that is on the list too for a diagnosis 

    the things that make him angry / meltdown more is he has had too much screen time tiredness hunger or sensory overload

    It could also be because of the pregnancy and he is looking for attention and doesn’t know how to process it 

    or is he doesn’t know what’s coming 

    You said sometimes he thinks it’s funny my son does too when he has hit in the past. But what I do is really change my face and tone to show him what he has done is wrong and that I am really upset about it. Stop what he is doing and walk away to show how upset you are

    also explain to him with as much eye contact as possible that what he is doing is hurting you both and is dangerous 

    with His caring nature he won’t to hurt you but you really got to make it clear to him how much his behaviour is not good and get him to confirm he understandS

    he will do it again and again but he will stop once he realises you are upset by what he is doing 

    it often works with my 4 year old but all not all the time 

    get carried away and don’t understand things or process things the way you might 

    realky exaggerate your facial expression and tone and tell him how you are feeling 

    Example I say to my son ‘name’ you hurt mummy and mummy is very sad. I say it in a very serious slightly raised voice and keep eye contact or repeat till I see he has processed what I said with my face is a sad face

    give him time to process it it won’t be instant so keep eye contact 

    it’s harder at the younger age as he is not verbal yet but he will understand you

    If he acknowledges what you have said and stops tell him that is very good and you love him very much and If he is ok with it a cuddle to reaffirm 

    try not to angry and stay calm too. I know it’s sooo much easier said than done but it will help if you can 

    good luck ! 

  • Hiya,

    Based on my experience when I was little I too had my moments where I would hit people, but afterwards when I calm down I deeply regret it. I agree with what Alisha is saying on finding toys or a punchbag to express his anger. You also mentioned about what would happen when he gets older. Even though I’m not an expert in this maybe think about boxing at your local gym as I know it’s a good way to not only get good exercise but also releases any pent up emotion. I may have not done boxing before but after seeing people in my gym and on social media doing boxing I can see why it helps.

    Hope it’s been any help Slight smile

    lucy xx

  • Gosh, this sounds really difficult. What form of discipline will he respect? What have you tried so far and how long has this been going on. 

    But further more, is he possibly ADHD? Does he need a few things in his room you can appropriate for taking aggression out on? And, I hate to say it at a young age, but would a video game help as a redirectional tool? He may need some kind of free aggressive sport and to be worn out daily, but for now a punching bag might do the trick. 

    He will definitely need a stern No, you cannot hit other humans. And then an immediate moving him into a room away from others with something his is allowed to take aggression out on. No second chances, no distractions. 

    The problem is, if this is not fixed quick, you could have a far worse situation on your hands in a social setting or with a newborn. 

    If not ADHD adrenaline (these can come at random), is there a trigger in the house setting him off? Is he responding to feeling trapped by a scent, by unnatural fibres, by a possible food (cacao will sometime trigger violent behaviour in little ones)? Is it an electrical hum? Kids tend to mimic or replay a thing in a different way. So, if he feels violently 'hit' by something (a sudden ear infection or an interruption of sorts) he may be replaying this in the only way he knows how to communicate. 

  • in reply to piggy1401

    Thanks Alisha, I will try those things.

    When we tell him hes hurting us he jsut laughs and says its funny

  • Hiya,

    Is he aware that he's hurting you? have you told him this or are you assuming that he knows. make it really clear that it hurts and it's not acceptable and give him an alternative. maybe get some toy bowling pins for him to try and knock down. or a punchbag. or make a target and tell him he has to throw his teddies as hard as he can at it. try to redirect the behaviour rather than stop it. Sounds like he struggles to deal with his emotions (which i am sure you can also relate to) and being 'violent' is his way of expressing himself. 

    Good luck

    Alisha xx