Hi All,
I have a 10 years old who have been diagnosed with Social and Communication Disorder. He is very clever and academically brilliant. However, he struggles socially and have a hard time making friends, despite his best efforts to be accepted by his peers. Anyone going through the same experience? I have never met a parent whose kid has been diagnosed with the same condition. Would love to share feedback and ideas on how to help our kids thrive socially.
Yousra
I couldnt agree more! He internalised their perceptions so much that his self esteem reached such a low level. I had to keep telling him that he was a very smart boy, kind and caring. I keep reminding him of his inherent qualities and how proud we are to have him for a son. We are working with him on how to chose his friends and steer away from negative people. How to build his self confidence and be kinder to himself and how to embrace his difference and see it as a strength. It's a long process, but we'll get there. I do genuinely feel lucky to be his mum. His mind is amazing he keeps impressing us all with his cognitive abilities.
Your words are of great comfort! Thanks for your insight. Food for thought!
How strange, this IS the most prominent trait - or marker of different "neuro-wiring". Along with sensory - emotional and physical impact (thus the extreme dark thoughts, or intense/passionate 'interests'). How curious considering repetition is human if not a matter of fundamental physics. Sometimes it is how humans deal with trauma and sometimes it is unseen due to a dependable, repetitive schedule or reliable, trustworthy parents.
It's important to re-think how we speak about things because it impacts how we understand a thing. Such as one "harbouring" their own thoughts. What happens is, we all desire Continuity / Congruity with our surroundings to make sense of them. Autistics feel this impact of dis-unity more intensely. So if the world around says You are not worth-while, we either internalise or externalise this. It sounds like he took others' rejection of his being and internalised it. These are not his dark thoughts, he simply allowed others cruelties to be "parked" in the "harbour" of his Mental well-being by accepting them as true. If he were to have a think about the type of humans he'd want to be friends with, doubtful he'd accept these cruelties and integrate them into his views about himself.
Once he can learn how amazing his own thought process is (Autistic Thinking is Extraordinary) and a few bits of wisdom to get along with others, you won't have to worry much about secondary school.
He used to have a favourite colour, toy, etc. As he grew older, he became less attached to a routine. He has no repetitive patterns. He does however love a particular video game and wouldnt stop talking about it. He makes charts and writes detailed pages and pages of data, reads and watches videos to perfect his game. I had to ask him to stop talking to his classmates about that game, because they werent interested, but he wouldnt read the signs, unless told upfront. I'm working with him to improve his social skills, but I'm now often met with resistance, eyes rolling, "whatever mum!". He wants to have friends, but he is expecting the others to adapt to his behaviour. At this point a second assessment seems really necessary, as he will be transitioning to secondary school next year.
Err, does it matter if he is on the spectrum? What a stupid thing for them to say, Rather a correct diagnosis than half of one. I’m glad he’s being reassessed. Maybe you could start analysing his behaviours, and see if there is in fact anything he does repetitively for example. Many things go unnoticed. And perhaps situations he may find difficult that aren’t related to social communication. As a young child he have played next to other kids instead of with them. He might have been attached to a special toy or object. He might come home from school really tired, or really grumpy…just look at everything to try and build a bigger picture.
Those of us with higher than average intelligence and good executive skills still have marked differences that affect our lives and the ability to function with consistency. One might wonder if your son is subconsciously masking to fit in, but doesn’t know what he’s doing wrong. He’s doing the same things, but without understanding. It’s tough, it he can improve with social skills somewhat.
Thanks for your reply and the list of resources. Very insightful indeed. The consultant was hesitant about diagnosing him with Autism, for the lack of any prominent traits and repetitive patterns. He said that another consultant might put him within the spectrum! My son is getting re assessed this year, hopefully. He is very social and craves being popular, but it's like he different language than the rest of his classmates. Rejection led him to harbouring dark thoughts and considering self harm. I'm worried about secondary school next year, because he will be surrounded by same age kids. He never managed to get along with them, as he tends to stick to younger kids.
Curious why he wasn't diagnosed Autistic? How the Neuro-Typical or NeuroNormative majority communicates, anyone who doesn't communicate the same is considered to have a "dis-ordering". I would argue, now nearing 50, I'm quite happy I don't communicate as the 'normal' public.
There are not-so-nuanced specific differences to how the hyper-analytical brain might perceive, reason, understand and then communicate. We are typically diagnosed autistic or 5 years ago and prior, Aspergers.
This article describes how a different, intellectually stimulate brain might not be wired to receive and perceive the same: "intelligent people prefer to socialize less because they do not need that feeling of tribal belonging to find meaning in their lives. In fact, they're the ones who, when confronted with the choice between "belonging" and forging their own path, are more likely to choose to go their own way" https://www.bustle.com/articles/163833-why-intelligent-people-prefer-to-socialize-less-than-others-according-to-science
Polar opposites bonding styles with communication: https://www.autismmatters.org.uk/blog/why-autism-and-small-talk-are-polar-opposites
A few more:
The reality is though, NeuroType to NeuroType, we understand each other and communicate perfectly well. No one needs 1k followers or friends, just a few tried and true ones and some ethics or rules of kindness to get along. Kids don't always quite understand this, but eventually they will. It's far better to be alone than with the wrong kind of "friends".
We're inherently different and what we value is innately different. Society has changed a great deal from valuing things which line up with Autistic default 'modes' such as dependability, reasonable-ness, sensibility and seeking understanding, as we are driven by continuity and resolve. The modern world appreciates using words with loose meaning at whatever cost to sell, tactics to dominate and win (see political figures), it literally rewards a lack of intentionality and extortion. Corporations don't have to adhere to accountability and as such, things are made to break. But it feeds a consumer model of new and exciting. And that doesn't speak 'dependable' to us.
Therefore, it's the whole dominant social milieu which has become much more different than it was even 100 years ago. If you help him focus on how to be trustworthy and find others who appreciate this value as much, he'll fare better in the long term.
