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Teenage rows. I am so drained

Drained and confused

hei s 15. he has 'autistic processing issues' and 'adhd tendencies'  from a genetic disorder - so they are not constantly the same.

I have a jekyll and hyde and I am exhausted. I am tired of the saame rows about keeping his room tidy - to HELP him with his ORGANISATION. I am tried of nagging about homework - to HELP him keep out of trouble and succeed at school, I am tried of seeing that he doesn't have any friends in school of his own age and many don't like him because he doesn't understand the 'banter' and takes it too far.

I no longer know what to do.

I have sympathised, cajoled, supported, threatened, bribed, ignored (but I struggle to do that for long as I hate watching the consequences) but i am so so so fed up with the rows and being tolf I should just 'ignore it' by him.

When will it end? Am I alone?

  • I think you need to wholeheartedly accept your son and the person he is with all his difficulties. I think you also need to make it entirely clear to him that you completely accept him in all his complexity, and that you will always unconditionally love him no matter what.

  • My 14 year old ASD/ADHD struggles with organisation. We have to assist at times and with taking things to school have several copies of the timetable. We used to get his bag ready, but he is gradually remembering to check himself or do it with us. His room is different, I have to regularly check for washing and persevere, occasionally finding he remembers. I have tried various things to help keep things tidy. Unfortunately he tends not to remember where he put things either so has two of things like school ties.

    It can be frustrating and it may be he needs a bit more help than some 15 year olds 

    Sometimes it works if I give one brief request. Small goals can work. When he remembers to bring his dishes it's a bonus.

    With homework he may find it hard to do at home or maybe follow the instructions. Is this something school can help with?

    You mention Jekyll and Hyde which can be said of PDA I think. If you look up PDA you might find something useful information ideas whether this is the case or not.

    It is hard when you know you have their best interest at heart. As a teenager it is hard sometimes I think for them to realize that they are not yet an adult and adults may have reasons why they try to guide them. I guess they don't see the full picture. I have to explain sometimes why teachers won't allow pupils to do things they might think fun.

  • I think from the way you’ve written maybe the issue is you think you’re helping him with life skills but how are you approaching it? Have you read about executive dysfunction? His organisation and motivation tactics are going to need to be tailored to how his brain works rather trying to do things the way “normal” people do. My room was always kinda messy but I knew where everything was. It was actually organised, at least to me. Homework is boring especially if it’s not your favourite subject and the enforced nature can be an issue for those with demand avoidance tendencies. I have to be so strict with myself that the ‘reward activity’ eg watching TV, playing games (in my case back at uni having a cigarette) needs to come after the chore but it can take a lot of self discipline and probably not something I got the hang of until my mid 20s at least. I have friends who use visual charts to help them organise themselves and keep the house clean, maybe something similar could help?  I also think you need to stop worrying about him not having friends unless he’s unhappy with that. If he’s happy as he is I don’t see why that is a problem

  • You're not alone I'm sure. 

    My son was the same in his teans, he's now 28.I would be tearing my haire out trying to get him to do stuff, all I ended up doing was causing him to kick of big time and I'd be in tears and to be blunt he didn't appear to give a toss. You just end up liveing you're life in fear of upsetting them because when they kick of life's hell and you just want peace. I'm sorry I've no advice. You get through it you look back and wonder how. I wish I could say it ends for us it didn't he was just a 6ft 18 stone grown man kicking of instead of a teanager. We're lucky he wanted to move out and he's in supported liveing. After 28 years I think thank god.