Unprepared

A month has passed and no change to grandson's engagement in anything. He is now taking things from us. Anything he can get his hands on from food to alcohol. We have taken to locking up everything of value including alcohol but he still persists. He has also been caught shoplifting in the village shop but has apologised and promised to pay what is owed. With no source of income this is impossible to achieve. For previous offences he is on probation, again no engagement so back in court last week for breeches and a fine. As grandparents our life is being turned up-side-down with the only choice of either putting up with it or showing him the door and abandoning him. Where do we get help? Have I put my post under the wrong topic?

The parents were addicts, so there may be a personality trait that he needs Genuine Psychological Help overcoming. This kid sounds like he has not been loved and it's heart breaking.

I'm not sure of your financial situation, but if possible, I would stock the fridge. I would buy him video games and Lego bricks and things to make and build. One of the first things to start with in a desperate situation is to change the addiction to something he's not hurting himself or others with (it's video games for all the men in my family and at some point they don't let them consume them). Change his investments by making things available that are comforting. It sounds like he needs to make up for every missed Christmas and Birthday. Every missed holiday. He has probably felt like there isn't one person in the world who would sacrifice themselves on his behalf. 

Needy, desperate children can become greedy. And once they get older, if they learn all the wrong perspectives, they perceive all the wrong expectations, and then life just descends from there. Mend the broken heart, nurture connexion and plant wisdom.

It sounds like there is so much trauma here. And what would be desired might never be perfect, but aim toward a day when he offers help. Little by little, he may find purpose in just doing small acts of kindness back to you, which you've been just doing to him, like he is very small, because emotionally, he may have stopped being able to grow with each heart break. And matters of the heart can take a good deal of time to mend.

He needs small thoughts of wisdom. And even small things to make with you - a birdhouse, a beehouse, an ikea desk, etc. Make cookies and ask if he'll 'grab the chocolate which you "accidentally" left in the front room'. Invent ways to re-ignite his sense of purpose. Take him on a 5 minute walk (until it turns into 10, into 20) because you're worried about your back or ankle, but the GP has told you to walk more. 

Leave books of wisdom, which you enjoy reading, lying around for him to pick up. Find movies you enjoy watching together with popcorn and turn it into a Wednesday night routine.

Need him in small enjoyable, undemanding ways and slowly he'll need you. Connexion is the key to most addictions. If you have the patience and the cleverness and you just keep feeding him, you could save his world. 

I think I need to add: What is particular to Autistic wiring is our Sense Perception appears heightened but actually, we don't have the same ability to 'dull' our senses.

This would've been amazing for tribal communities. We'd have purpose. We're wired to see extreme detail in image, smell, we can feel differences in our gut, we can be very sharp all kinds of analysis. The same goes for emotions, which are also sense-mechanisms. And so with emotional impact, it is not just overwhelming, but heartbreak and betrayal can hurt as if we're having surgery without anaesthetics. The ability to recover can take much longer than our neurotypical peers.

Emotions are a response to the summary of a very fast internal logic. That logic formula is based on perception and belief, which is how our understanding of a thing can be correct or incorrect. 

Let's pretend my brother is a police officer and everyone at his office is always friendly and chatty when I pop round, my perception of police in general may be they are all working hard and doing their best, every experience shapes my perception. Each exchange makes me feel Safe or a Sense of Kinship (emotion). 

In neuroscience, there's a theory the autistic-wired band waves are oscillating differently and this plays a role. In psychoanalysis (dating back to the 60s), it's been assumed that, because of difficulty with language, we're not receiving codes to help Sublimate or mature in a way that suppresses or dulls our senses (this has been clinically shown with MRI scans by how we don't use areas in the brain responsible for language to reason, but instead can use pictures or formulas with different regions of the brain to process the same result). 

What this means is he has found medicating helps numb years of pain. And thinking more about this, maybe CBD can help or you could try holistic drops that have a soothing affect on anxiety, which can be another response to feeling completely disconnected and discarded in life. 

All this to say, our senses are intensely impacted - well beyond what is imaginable. If he were to learn bushcraft perhaps, something like this can bring a sense of relief and also help him begin to use his senses for something purposeful. 

I think I need to add: What is particular to Autistic wiring is our Sense Perception appears heightened but actually, we don't have the same ability to 'dull' our senses.

This would've been amazing for tribal communities. We'd have purpose. We're wired to see extreme detail in image, smell, we can feel differences in our gut, we can be very sharp all kinds of analysis. The same goes for emotions, which are also sense-mechanisms. And so with emotional impact, it is not just overwhelming, but heartbreak and betrayal can hurt as if we're having surgery without anaesthetics. The ability to recover can take much longer than our neurotypical peers.

Emotions are a response to the summary of a very fast internal logic. That logic formula is based on perception and belief, which is how our understanding of a thing can be correct or incorrect. 

Let's pretend my brother is a police officer and everyone at his office is always friendly and chatty when I pop round, my perception of police in general may be they are all working hard and doing their best, every experience shapes my perception. Each exchange makes me feel Safe or a Sense of Kinship (emotion). 

In neuroscience, there's a theory the autistic-wired band waves are oscillating differently and this plays a role. In psychoanalysis (dating back to the 60s), it's been assumed that, because of difficulty with language, we're not receiving codes to help Sublimate or mature in a way that suppresses or dulls our senses (this has been clinically shown with MRI scans by how we don't use areas in the brain responsible for language to reason, but instead can use pictures or formulas with different regions of the brain to process the same result). 

What this means is he has found medicating helps numb years of pain. And thinking more about this, maybe CBD can help or you could try holistic drops that have a soothing affect on anxiety, which can be another response to feeling completely disconnected and discarded in life. 

All this to say, our senses are intensely impacted - well beyond what is imaginable. If he were to learn bushcraft perhaps, something like this can bring a sense of relief and also help him begin to use his senses for something purposeful.