Unprepared

Three weeks ago we received a phone call from our 20 year old grandson declaring he was homeless. We responded by collecting him off the street and bringing him back to our home.

At the age of five he was removed from his mother, her partner and placed in the care of the local authority due to their heroin addiction. After short term placements he was placed in long term foster care with a stable and loving family. At a young age (primary school years) he was diagnosed with autism but remained in mainstream education. His behaviour has always been a challenge but manageable, that is until around his 15th birthday, when a change in social worker caused a rapid decline. The new social worker insisted that he was provided with experiences and freedoms in line with his peers despite displaying a maturity more akin to a 12 to 13 year old boy. Within months his experimenting with tobacco, alcohol, drugs and increased disruptive behaviour severely dented the relationship with his foster parents. In desperation the foster parents sought additional support but the response was to remove him from their care. The following three years are marked by several short term placements, each ending in a forced move. Prior to his 18th birthday his appointed PA helped him to return to his foster parents under a ‘staying put’ arrangement limited to two years with the intention to prepare him for the next stage of independent living. The past two years coincided with the Covid pandemic leading to the cancellation of a college course, lockdown restrictions and isolation from friends and us, his grandparents. His behaviour declined resulting in convictions for assault on police officers and theft, drunkenness, drug abuse, and a mental health breakdown leaving him with very low self-esteem and suicidal thoughts. He cannot deal with the assault on his senses with what is happening to him and is refusing to engage with any of the agencies offering help as he sees himself beyond help.

So here we are, a young man on the autistic spectrum totally unprepared to deal with the baggage he has acquired over his short life with totally unprepared grandparents in their mid-seventies.

Where do we go from here?

  • I think I need to add: What is particular to Autistic wiring is our Sense Perception appears heightened but actually, we don't have the same ability to 'dull' our senses.

    This would've been amazing for tribal communities. We'd have purpose. We're wired to see extreme detail in image, smell, we can feel differences in our gut, we can be very sharp all kinds of analysis. The same goes for emotions, which are also sense-mechanisms. And so with emotional impact, it is not just overwhelming, but heartbreak and betrayal can hurt as if we're having surgery without anaesthetics. The ability to recover can take much longer than our neurotypical peers.

    Emotions are a response to the summary of a very fast internal logic. That logic formula is based on perception and belief, which is how our understanding of a thing can be correct or incorrect. 

    Let's pretend my brother is a police officer and everyone at his office is always friendly and chatty when I pop round, my perception of police in general may be they are all working hard and doing their best, every experience shapes my perception. Each exchange makes me feel Safe or a Sense of Kinship (emotion). 

    In neuroscience, there's a theory the autistic-wired band waves are oscillating differently and this plays a role. In psychoanalysis (dating back to the 60s), it's been assumed that, because of difficulty with language, we're not receiving codes to help Sublimate or mature in a way that suppresses or dulls our senses (this has been clinically shown with MRI scans by how we don't use areas in the brain responsible for language to reason, but instead can use pictures or formulas with different regions of the brain to process the same result). 

    What this means is he has found medicating helps numb years of pain. And thinking more about this, maybe CBD can help or you could try holistic drops that have a soothing affect on anxiety, which can be another response to feeling completely disconnected and discarded in life. 

    All this to say, our senses are intensely impacted - well beyond what is imaginable. If he were to learn bushcraft perhaps, something like this can bring a sense of relief and also help him begin to use his senses for something purposeful. 

  • The parents were addicts, so there may be a personality trait that he needs Genuine Psychological Help overcoming. This kid sounds like he has not been loved and it's heart breaking.

    I'm not sure of your financial situation, but if possible, I would stock the fridge. I would buy him video games and Lego bricks and things to make and build. One of the first things to start with in a desperate situation is to change the addiction to something he's not hurting himself or others with (it's video games for all the men in my family and at some point they don't let them consume them). Change his investments by making things available that are comforting. It sounds like he needs to make up for every missed Christmas and Birthday. Every missed holiday. He has probably felt like there isn't one person in the world who would sacrifice themselves on his behalf. 

    Needy, desperate children can become greedy. And once they get older, if they learn all the wrong perspectives, they perceive all the wrong expectations, and then life just descends from there. Mend the broken heart, nurture connexion and plant wisdom.

    It sounds like there is so much trauma here. And what would be desired might never be perfect, but aim toward a day when he offers help. Little by little, he may find purpose in just doing small acts of kindness back to you, which you've been just doing to him, like he is very small, because emotionally, he may have stopped being able to grow with each heart break. And matters of the heart can take a good deal of time to mend.

    He needs small thoughts of wisdom. And even small things to make with you - a birdhouse, a beehouse, an ikea desk, etc. Make cookies and ask if he'll 'grab the chocolate which you "accidentally" left in the front room'. Invent ways to re-ignite his sense of purpose. Take him on a 5 minute walk (until it turns into 10, into 20) because you're worried about your back or ankle, but the GP has told you to walk more. 

    Leave books of wisdom, which you enjoy reading, lying around for him to pick up. Find movies you enjoy watching together with popcorn and turn it into a Wednesday night routine.

    Need him in small enjoyable, undemanding ways and slowly he'll need you. Connexion is the key to most addictions. If you have the patience and the cleverness and you just keep feeding him, you could save his world. 

  • Hi there, Sorry to hear you are having a tough time currently. I hope some of these links might be useful to your situation:

    Individuals on the spectrum can often display behaviour that may be challenging. There will generally be a reason for this and it is important to try and understand the trigger for the behaviour when developing strategies. You may like to have a look at the following link for more information on behaviour and strategies: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour 

     You may be interested in seeking some professional support regarding the behaviour. You can search for professionals in your area we are aware of on the Autism Services Directory: https://www.autism.org.uk/directory 

     You might also like to take a look at The Challenging Behaviour Foundation website for further information and advice: https://www.challengingbehaviour.org.uk.  They also have an information and support service which you can contact by phone or email – details can be found here: https://www.challengingbehaviour.org.uk/for-family-carers/family-support-service/ 

    You may be interested in contacting a local National Autistic Society branch. Our branches offer support to local autistic people and their families. If you interesting in checking if there is a local branch near to you, please follow the link below: https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/local-branches Our branches are volunteer-led, and as such every branch and group is different. Some are parent support groups, some provide support and information to autistic adults, while others have office premises and run their own a drop-in service. You will need to check with a branch directly for more information on whether they are able to provide a particular service that you are interested in.

    Hope something there is useful,

    SarahMod

  • If i were to posit just one facet that i felt was the deepest trauma of all in these sort of circumstances it would be that of Identity yes. Existential crisis of that order is the most debilitating thing when it comes to this sort of spiral down.

  • Most of the drunk/drugged-up kids loitering Belfast at night spent times at Foster Care.

    This is what happens when a child's sense of identity is robbed of him or her. The system failed them; however, they can't afford to fail themselves. Ultimately, it's their decision; in the end.

  • It is very sad to hear this & offer some commiserations for this long term worry and trauma.

    If this is a far more profound circumstance than yourselves can handle then you may have no choice but to opt out. In one sense there is no clear answers, as the concern industry has already failed but it is they you'd need to turn to should you be forced to need your lives back. Do you see any glimmers of change from the delinquent mindset ?

  • A month has passed and no change to grandson's engagement in anything. He is now taking things from us. Anything he can get his hands on from food to alcohol. We have taken to locking up everything of value including alcohol but he still persists. He has also been caught shoplifting in the village shop but has apologised and promised to pay what is owed. With no source of income this is impossible to achieve. For previous offences he is on probation, again no engagement so back in court last week for breeches and a fine. As grandparents our life is being turned up-side-down with the only choice of either putting up with it or showing him the door and abandoning him. Where do we get help? Have I put my post under the wrong topic?

  • Oh God, bless you. If only they'd left him with you when you were younger and had more energy. This has got to be a tough deal on both you and him now and no wonder the poor love is so disaffected from the agencies.

    Will he hop on here himself and talk to us? There will be others who have been through it.

    Is he 'clean" now? That'll be the most important thing. Then he's going to need support. Will he relate better to an autism charity than the social services who have let him down so badly.

    You are going to need carer's support which you can apply for through social services. They might be able to give practical advice and domestic support to you.

    Ultimately, the answer for him might be supported housing on your doorstep. Independence but with the executive and domestic support for him, while he sorts himself out.

    Any specific questions meanwhile, we don't have a fairy wand, but we, as autistic adults, do have insights. We might be able to suggest what could be going on for him.