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Unprepared

NAS79638

Three weeks ago we received a phone call from our 20 year old grandson declaring he was homeless. We responded by collecting him off the street and bringing him back to our home.

At the age of five he was removed from his mother, her partner and placed in the care of the local authority due to their heroin addiction. After short term placements he was placed in long term foster care with a stable and loving family. At a young age (primary school years) he was diagnosed with autism but remained in mainstream education. His behaviour has always been a challenge but manageable, that is until around his 15th birthday, when a change in social worker caused a rapid decline. The new social worker insisted that he was provided with experiences and freedoms in line with his peers despite displaying a maturity more akin to a 12 to 13 year old boy. Within months his experimenting with tobacco, alcohol, drugs and increased disruptive behaviour severely dented the relationship with his foster parents. In desperation the foster parents sought additional support but the response was to remove him from their care. The following three years are marked by several short term placements, each ending in a forced move. Prior to his 18th birthday his appointed PA helped him to return to his foster parents under a ‘staying put’ arrangement limited to two years with the intention to prepare him for the next stage of independent living. The past two years coincided with the Covid pandemic leading to the cancellation of a college course, lockdown restrictions and isolation from friends and us, his grandparents. His behaviour declined resulting in convictions for assault on police officers and theft, drunkenness, drug abuse, and a mental health breakdown leaving him with very low self-esteem and suicidal thoughts. He cannot deal with the assault on his senses with what is happening to him and is refusing to engage with any of the agencies offering help as he sees himself beyond help.

So here we are, a young man on the autistic spectrum totally unprepared to deal with the baggage he has acquired over his short life with totally unprepared grandparents in their mid-seventies.

Where do we go from here?

Parents

  • A month has passed and no change to grandson's engagement in anything. He is now taking things from us. Anything he can get his hands on from food to alcohol. We have taken to locking up everything of value including alcohol but he still persists. He has also been caught shoplifting in the village shop but has apologised and promised to pay what is owed. With no source of income this is impossible to achieve. For previous offences he is on probation, again no engagement so back in court last week for breeches and a fine. As grandparents our life is being turned up-side-down with the only choice of either putting up with it or showing him the door and abandoning him. Where do we get help? Have I put my post under the wrong topic?

Reply

  • A month has passed and no change to grandson's engagement in anything. He is now taking things from us. Anything he can get his hands on from food to alcohol. We have taken to locking up everything of value including alcohol but he still persists. He has also been caught shoplifting in the village shop but has apologised and promised to pay what is owed. With no source of income this is impossible to achieve. For previous offences he is on probation, again no engagement so back in court last week for breeches and a fine. As grandparents our life is being turned up-side-down with the only choice of either putting up with it or showing him the door and abandoning him. Where do we get help? Have I put my post under the wrong topic?

Children
  • in reply to NAS79638

    The parents were addicts, so there may be a personality trait that he needs Genuine Psychological Help overcoming. This kid sounds like he has not been loved and it's heart breaking.

    I'm not sure of your financial situation, but if possible, I would stock the fridge. I would buy him video games and Lego bricks and things to make and build. One of the first things to start with in a desperate situation is to change the addiction to something he's not hurting himself or others with (it's video games for all the men in my family and at some point they don't let them consume them). Change his investments by making things available that are comforting. It sounds like he needs to make up for every missed Christmas and Birthday. Every missed holiday. He has probably felt like there isn't one person in the world who would sacrifice themselves on his behalf. 

    Needy, desperate children can become greedy. And once they get older, if they learn all the wrong perspectives, they perceive all the wrong expectations, and then life just descends from there. Mend the broken heart, nurture connexion and plant wisdom.

    It sounds like there is so much trauma here. And what would be desired might never be perfect, but aim toward a day when he offers help. Little by little, he may find purpose in just doing small acts of kindness back to you, which you've been just doing to him, like he is very small, because emotionally, he may have stopped being able to grow with each heart break. And matters of the heart can take a good deal of time to mend.

    He needs small thoughts of wisdom. And even small things to make with you - a birdhouse, a beehouse, an ikea desk, etc. Make cookies and ask if he'll 'grab the chocolate which you "accidentally" left in the front room'. Invent ways to re-ignite his sense of purpose. Take him on a 5 minute walk (until it turns into 10, into 20) because you're worried about your back or ankle, but the GP has told you to walk more. 

    Leave books of wisdom, which you enjoy reading, lying around for him to pick up. Find movies you enjoy watching together with popcorn and turn it into a Wednesday night routine.

    Need him in small enjoyable, undemanding ways and slowly he'll need you. Connexion is the key to most addictions. If you have the patience and the cleverness and you just keep feeding him, you could save his world. 

  • in reply to NAS79638

    It is very sad to hear this & offer some commiserations for this long term worry and trauma.

    If this is a far more profound circumstance than yourselves can handle then you may have no choice but to opt out. In one sense there is no clear answers, as the concern industry has already failed but it is they you'd need to turn to should you be forced to need your lives back. Do you see any glimmers of change from the delinquent mindset ?