Advise needed pls regarding food problems

Hi, my daughter is 14 and had her assessment in February with Paeds. He said she had all traits of ASD apart from she has good eye to eye contact and advance in using hands when talking. He said she needed to see psychologist before a formal diagnosis could be given and it’s a 6 month waiting list, but referred me to this website for help in meantime. 

I’d always had my worries as she’s grown up, but when she hit puberty 2 years ago it all came to the surface, I presume due to hormonal changes.

so far we seem to be handling things well, her eating atm though is driving me mad and I could do with some advice if possible please?

she’s always been a picky eater and preferred beige foods like chicken nuggets no chips etc… however as she’s gotten older and teenager she hardly likes anything which is causing a lot of problems at home. One min she likes something like mozzarella cheese toastie and 2 days later or a week later she’s gone off of it, I literally cannot keep up.

anyway it all came to a head tonight when I tried speaking to her about it as didn’t know what to make her for dinner and  she got abit mean and said she likes food in restaurants because a chef cooks it and I can’t cook anything nice and clearly don’t know how to use an oven…when I told her I was upset by wht she’d said she just said “sometimes the truth hurts mum”.

I have absolutely no idea what to do regarding her eating as even he doesn’t know what she wants to eat at home, the worst part is I’m not a bad cook at all, but I’m definitely not a trained chef and her will be. 

The way she s;oke to me wasn’t acceptable whatsoever and I tried to talk to her to explain why, but he said she didn’t understand what she had done so wrong and was just being truthful…how do I get her to understand??? 

she hasn’t been formally diagnosed yet and sometimes I feel so out of my depth and never know whether we’re actually handling things right or not? 

  • Is it just the two of you? My son and I always have a back up plan of ham and cheese toastie, carrots and apples and/or jacket. I feel like there is nothing better than the tried and true jacket, which can always be popped into the oven and added to or plain. I also feel like just having cold things available so when no one knows what they may need to eat, a potato can go in the oven and they can eat it or not. It doesn’t hurt to throw out should it end up as waste. 

    “The truth hurts” is a saying that’s been around for decades... I suspect it came from a movie. Bowie even fitted it into a song. The problem is, Truth is supposed to be liberating: “the truth will set you free”. It’s supposed to be a compass. It isn’t supposed to be something used to dominate and destroy. I once heard someone say “Truth out of context is a Lie”.

    There are layers of context to every “truth”. One layer is the relationship. Another is whether I care about this other and if I want to keep investing in the relationship or have it in the future. So ruthlessly telling someone I care about that they’re crap at a thing is disregarding and diminishing. It’s dismissive of how they might be impacted. I can take responsibility and say AYE am deeply sorry and just not a fan. And then perhaps that leaves room for both of you to endeavour to cook together. Help her learn to be diplomatic and not reckless. All layers to any Truth matter. Has she watched a cooking show? Is she aware of what’s involved? Perhaps she can grow a herb garden and explore new sensory ideas slowly and be in charge of dinner a few nights every week  

    A few more things: 1. It can be good to teach her, If you point out a problem, then perhaps you should become responsible for it. 2. The messenger gets shot for the same reason diplomacy matters. Helping another want to hear what I feel in important to convey is just as important as the message.  

    Autistic individuals can feel like NT society is just as cruel and harsh and ruthless but in other ways. So we may have experienced being discarded so often that we aren’t always taught or don’t often experience matters of considerateness, respect and kindness. Perhaps these are things you can work on together. 

  • The food. Oh god the food. How did I never realise I was autistic before age 56 on the basis of the food issues alone, lol?

    I'm sorry, I'm making light, but I do understand this is hard for you and I think I was probably a food nightmare for my mother too. And err yeah! Whilst I never said it, as a child I did blame my mother's cooking. In fact I thought the entirity of the UK were awful cooks.

    Everything my mother cooked, everything in the school dinner hall, everything any of my friends' parents cooked smelt vial, tasted vile, and felt vile In my mouth. Some dinners actually made me feel sick. I couldn't get the stench out if my nose and I actually lived in dread of dinnertime. I survived on fruit, raw veg and chips most of my childhood.

    Rest assured. The problem is her sensory system NOT your culinary skills. I'm sure you are a great cook - for neurotypical people. But by the same token, she can't help her experience of food. What the rest of the family are tucking into and enjoying, is maybe turning her stomach. Moreover, she doesn't have a diagnosis yet and has no idea why her perception is different, or even that her perception is different. The truth, from her perspective, is that your lovingly cooked dinners just are disgusting! And that IS her truth. And she's autistic, so she will tell you her truth, with no regard for your feeling, because she can't see what the problem with the truth is (most of us still can't. We don't mean to be rude, but truth is truth, whether it hurts or not). She ain't going to lie. Her truth is: dinner is gross and she's letting you know.

    It's NOT your fault! Not hers either!

    As for the constantly changing will/won't eat it...errr our sensory systems are capricious little devils - what they accepted one day, they won't the next. I STILL go through this and I'm now the one cooking it.!!! Lol. I eat the same small range of meals day in and day out for weeks, then suddenly can't get it down, have to put it in the bin, and have to find something else - wierd, huh?

    Be sure and tell the assessors all this. Once you get a diagnosis you can have a chat with her along the lines of: it is her sensory system, not your cooking, so no need for her to criticise (be as blunt as she is, its probably the only way to get through! Lol), but you will help her find a balanced diet she can manage. Meanwhile, if you are worried get her some vitamin supplements.

    Hope that helps

  • I hate it when people say hurtful things, and then end it with "the truth hurts." The thing is, there are different kinds of truth. There is objective truth, and subjective truth. Objective truth is factual, like 1+1 = 2. But subjective truth is like if two people went to the same party, one person says it sucked, and the another person says it was great. Both are being truthful about their experiences at the party, and they're both correct.

    So going back to your cooking, it is your daughter's opinion about your cooking, it's her subjective truth, but when she says "the truth hurts" she states it as if it's a factual objective truth, that it's unchanging, that it's not wrong, as if it's not just her opinion, but as if it's just a fact that your cooking is bad, when that's just her opinion. She thinks that as long as she speaks the "truth" it's never going to be wrong, even if it hurts others. 

    Okay, the thing is, if your daughter thinks that you're a bad cook, then I hope she starts picking up a pan to cook for herself then, buy her own groceries, buy her own oven and untensils, and don't eat any more of your food, which in her opinion is "bad." Or maybe she can somehow earn enough money to hire a personal chef, whatever works for her.

    You can't keep trying to cook things for her, to try and find out what kind of foods she will like or not, trying to get her to validate and like your cooking. Some people will never tell you what they want, because they want you to just automatically know it, or to figure it out on your own, but you can't read their mind. And then they will put you down for not knowing, for being "bad" at what you do, when you didn't even know what the heck they wanted in the first place, so it's not your fault.

    If someone says something hurtful like that to you again, instead of showing that you are hurt and wanting an apology, in which case some people will never give you an apology, just chuckle, laugh about what they've said to you, and just think "can they do a better job than you can?" Likely not. If they don't like something that you do, they can do it themselves then, that's always an option. If they do it themselves, it takes the pressure off of you, and you can do more with your free time anyways. Instead of worrying about what food you can cook them, now you can enjoy your favourite show, have time to spend on your hobbie, read a book, or go to a restaurant and eat a fine meal prepared from a great chef. You deserve a fine chef's meal anyways. Your daughter can slave away in the kitchen, that's what she deserves for saying such terrible things to you. And I hope that she learns to appreciate mother's cooking one day.