Does anyone else's child get fixated if another child is not been very nice to them ?
My child is 8 and really struggles with people calling him names hitting him the list goes on . But instead of staying away he get fixated on trying to be mean but which then results in him have a meltdown, instead of leaving them alone ?
You could say it was a challenge/ test of ones character which way you will lean in the future, are you going to be like someone everyone evil-wished you (in my case my dad) or not.
one ol many steps towards enlightment and selfunderstanding
I found out that I have a limit, when I tried to do my dad like a carp before christmas when I was 14 and failed, then I tried to do myself and failed in that too. But It was only getting better after that, the worst was in the past, I just did not know it yet.
"All that time I felt left alone to be tormented, I had no idea what to do. It looked like that is the way how society works and everybody accepts it."
That's exactly how I felt, AND I was getting it at home worse than at school.
I became, shall we say, somewhat unpredictable. If you bullied me enough, I'd try to kill you. Fortunately I wasn't that good at killing people, but people soon stopped putting the opportunity my way.. I think they respected that I was wllling to make the effort. I also learned very early on that offering a threat is valueless unless you absolutely KNOW that you can and will deliver on it.
When I was 18 I took on an entire local gang who'd discovered where I lived and thought they'd mess with me on my own drive, with nothing but a hatchet, and that really was the last time I was bullied physically outside of my parents house, (which I left soon after).
I've since got much better at the psychology, but ONLY because it is actually backed with genuine homicidal intent. I will NOT be physically abused if it's within my power to do anything about it, because once they get their sadism into you, they NEVER STOP. I learned that from my father.
(And that includes forcing me to accept injections of new technology. That idea put me over the edge last year, for the first time in several decades, and I was planning how best to resist the proposed and socially sanctioned assault on my person until the threat mercifully was withdrawn)
Nowadays, the bullying is far more mental because physical violence is very much more taboo in our society outside of everything we watch, and the games we play, and how our leaders act.
Adopting my approach would get your kid locked up real quick. Since it is the people in charge who are denying your child the right to defend himself against the broad spectrum oppression physically, I think they ought to provide the lad with a functional alternative.
In my youth the advice I got was "Take on and smash the biggest one, and as he's lying bleeding on the ground turn to the rest and ask, "who's next?"
The catch 22 here is that since our whole society is based on co-ercion and state sanctioned bullying if you don't follow the rules, and people who are actually prepared to punish others for perceived offences are a small minority, the bullies actually garner respect for what they do, they are the "lawmakers" and their victims when they do finally break and push back are held to be the "offenders".
For many of us it doesn't take too much of being regularly framed as an "offender" when trying to push back, against a well established and popular bully, before we start to "own" that role in life.
Well, that's what I've lived, your experience and conclusions might be different.
Sorry that your going through this.
I was targeted throughout primary school by every bully there was,
passive way and trying to ignore them did not work only made them bolder, and I was getting more of it, they even started to wait for me outside my classroom so I couldn't hide for duration of break./
complaining to teachers without being backed up by parents only meant that I was blamed for being instigator. One teacher once told me ''How can a son of a respected doctor be a bully, of course it is you, you're the bad one here, instigating confrontations''. Complaining made some other kids feel resentful towards me because of it, complaining isn't perceived as a good thing to do.
so I started responing:
3rd year primary, I had enough of it and everyone already. I was expelled for an attempted burning down the school, it did not stop bullies
it had to get to being physical and brutal confrontation in the end, I did not know how to fight so I was biting, hitting them with something in order to damage them. until I caused enough damaged to make them leave me alone, one ended up with a scar on his face for life
All that time I felt left alone to be tormented, I had no idea what to do. It looked like that is the way how society works and everybody accepts it.
So, unless someone makes those bullies stop tormenting your son, it will surely escalate. He doesn't know what to do, and is unable to endure it.
Wisdom.
Well your child is ruminating. The thing is, when someone calls you names and hits you (and the list goes on, as you say), there is a type of resentment that builds up, because it is unfair to be treated that way by anyone. And if he just leaves them alone, do you think they will leave him alone? They have not, he's likely being targetted, and it's passed the point that they're being physically violent towards him. If he tries to walk away, they might start calling him names, or they might just follow him around and stalk him, maybe hit him. It's a real issue. He wants to be able to protect and defend himself, and even things out. If they hit him, he wants to be able to hit them back, because that would be fair in his mind.
The thing with bullies is that they will not stop hurting you on their own accord. They'll escalate the ways they hurt you, they'll poke at you, they'll taunt you, they'll find more of your weaknesses, they'll find more elaborate methods to hurt you with, all in the name of having "fun", and feeling powerful, as if they can't be stopped by anyone. Things get worse and worse for the victim. This is what happens when problems are ignored and the victim is silenced, the problem slowly grows in magnititude.
For some reason I'm thinking about school shootings, and from stories I've read about, sometimes the reason for the school shooting was because when they were a kid they were bullied in school. I mean this sounds kind of extreme, but it can get that extreme. But a lesser and equally damaging effect of bullying, is the psychological distress and social anxiety, which makes them struggle to be independent in adulthood.
For your child, you might be trying the passive approach (stay away from them), whereas he wants the aggressive approach (be mean to them back). But I think it's beneficial for him to learn take an assertive approach, he should be able to stand his ground and tell them when they are crossing a boundary, and if they continue their bullying, to defend himself when it is necessary. Bullies like easy targets, the ones that say nothing and don't do anything back to them, but they don't like targets that fight back.
