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Fixated on the bad

NAS79621

Does anyone else's child get fixated  if another child is not been very nice to them ? 

My child is 8 and really struggles with people calling him names hitting him the list goes on . But instead of staying away he get fixated on trying to be mean but which then results in him have a meltdown, instead of leaving them alone ? 

Parents

  • Well your child is ruminating. The thing is, when someone calls you names and hits you (and the list goes on, as you say), there is a type of resentment that builds up, because it is unfair to be treated that way by anyone. And if he just leaves them alone, do you think they will leave him alone? They have not, he's likely being targetted, and it's passed the point that they're being physically violent towards him. If he tries to walk away, they might start calling him names, or they might just follow him around and stalk him, maybe hit him. It's a real issue. He wants to be able to protect and defend himself, and even things out. If they hit him, he wants to be able to hit them back, because that would be fair in his mind. 

    The thing with bullies is that they will not stop hurting you on their own accord. They'll escalate the ways they hurt you, they'll poke at you, they'll taunt you, they'll find more of your weaknesses, they'll find more elaborate methods to hurt you with, all in the name of having "fun", and feeling powerful, as if they can't be stopped by anyone. Things get worse and worse for the victim. This is what happens when problems are ignored and the victim is silenced, the problem slowly grows in magnititude. 

    For some reason I'm thinking about school shootings, and from stories I've read about, sometimes the reason for the school shooting was because when they were a kid they were bullied in school. I mean this sounds kind of extreme, but it can get that extreme. But a lesser and equally damaging effect of bullying, is the psychological distress and social anxiety, which makes them struggle to be independent in adulthood. 

    For your child, you might be trying the passive approach (stay away from them), whereas he wants the aggressive approach (be mean to them back). But I think it's beneficial for him to learn take an assertive approach, he should be able to stand his ground and tell them when they are crossing a boundary, and if they continue their bullying, to defend himself when it is necessary. Bullies like easy targets, the ones that say nothing and don't do anything back to them, but they don't like targets that fight back.

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