Daughters father disputes her diagnosis

I'm glad that you have a small place to stay at for the time being, and you want to be a life coach and help others, it's very nice and I think it'll be a suitable path for you. 

Your ex husband is very toxic, he wants to own the house, and he does not care that when you lose the house that your daughter (his daughter) will end up changing schools. I don't think he really cares about anyone but himself and what he wants.

I hope you end up keeping the family house for you and your daughter. 

thankyou, really reassuring

thanks so much, really helpful

Re child support..  he owns his own company and he’s made out he earns nothing so doesn’t have to pay hardly anything… and I don’t have the money to fight him… 

And yes toxic is the word! 

Thanks I’m actually out of the family home in a small rental as he wouldn’t move out and I didn’t feel comfortable living there while we sorted the divorce because he started dating within weeks of us separating and I was devastated, just shows how little empathy he has, with him ten years and replaced in a couple weeks… I’m now trying to get the family home back for my daughter as it’s in her school catchment and he’s moving out the area to his girlfriends… I’m working with a solicitor to see what I can do as I can afford the mortgage but not the money to buy him out on top… I am so sad for my daughter having such a piece of work for a dad. 
I have been working on myself and am even studying life coaching to help others along with working almost full time. I am determined to be a good role model for my daughter and provide her a good life. Thankyou x

That man is really toxic, and I'm glad that you chose to disengage with a person who treats you so badly, that takes advantage of you like that. 

If you can, get a small place for yourself and your daughter that you can rent that he does not know about, and get him to pay child support through an agency that collects it. And then work on yourself and recovering from the trauma, so that you can give yourself and your daughter the best chance at life. 

Thanks everyone, really helpful. 
he’s always been very dismissive, manipulative and trivialises anything I say. Hence why we are no longer together. He’s a very ‘difficult’ character so I need to like you said just disengage with him and perhaps just ask the services; schools, paeds etc to have that dialogue with him directly so I’m not the ‘middle man’ who takes all the cr*p… otherwise it just becomes a way he can control me and cause me to feel guilty and I don’t need that anymore as I broke free for a reason. 
I just feel bad for my daughter because he won’t make any adaptions for her and she will struggle as she gets older. At the moment he loves the attention and validation she gives him but as she gets older and realises it will likely be quite different. I just need to continue being  that positive trusted role model that she can meltdown to safety after her time with him, which happens most times…

im now trying to keep the house from our divorce as he’s moving in with his girlfriend, he didn’t even tell me directly, I heard through my 4.5 year old daughter… she was upset… I had to reassure her and put on a brave face… just shows some of the challenges going on right now. I think if I can jerk the house it will help her but I’m struggling to raise money to buy him out. Anyway that’s another story… Thankyou and really appreciate the support. X 

I would assume that your ex husband finds your daughter's traits as being completely normal, because he probably has the same traits, and those traits are normal to him. It could have been passed down genetically from him to his daughter.

I mean when I first looked up autism and aspergers, I completely blew off the symptoms as being completely normal. I thought that psychologists were taking something that was normal and making a big deal out of nothing. But then I took a second to really think deeply about it. The way I grew up and behaved was not really normal by conventional standards, and people more often than not misunderstood me, or I misunderstood them.

I've dated too many men who are dismissive, arrogant and lacked the intellectual ability to regard critical evaluation as something worthwhile. My son's father being the worst (but he passed away when my son turned 22). When I was in my 20's it hurt. In my 30's it was just frustrating. Now in my 40's, I have no patience for this sort of intolerable male ego.

Edit: I had misread the above. If he is autistic and no one has mentioned he’s a bit different or his natural talents have been afforded the discipline needed to appear fluid in society, then he needs to understand expectations of women to start. The difference between the autistic traits allowed from males vs females can leave us vulnerable.

Regardless, affording respect costs nothing. If he is autistic, appeal to his bedside manners and ethics. Appeal to the fundamental ways he engages in an argument. What’s the point of your including him if you cannot even have a dialectic discussion or if he shuts others down? 

Now, maybe he's afraid it's his fault and projecting. Or maybe he does think someone died and made him G-d. At some point in my life I needed to learn healthy boundaries. The Laws of Physics do not change for him, unfortunately. 

Putting together evidence to attempt to deal with him could be exhausting. It may very well be your daughter will at some point as she gets older, have a better impact on him. She's a part of his DNA, so she may relate to some of his personality type and it may just bounce off her like water on a duck. When my son was young I had told him he can be the best of his Father and I. We're not perfect, but take the good and improve on the unfortunate parts. The reality is, our personality can be made better by building our character. Then we can choose how these nuances are animated. In the mean time, I'd focus on being the parent she can learn from and rely on and teach her how to identify and state what she needs. 

It sounds like you're doing what a good mother would do. I'd hold my ground and learn to be direct about not engaging if he’s going to dismiss you or treat you with contempt.. Carry on and stay connected with the school, the doctors, and anyone else interested. 

It is difficult for any lay person to dispute a clinical diagnosis, he would have to get a second opinion from one or more specialised clinicians that supported his viewpoint. Without this it is just the view of an unqualified person and he has no recourse to law based on his personal opinion. This should not impact the support and accommodations that your daughter is entitled to from school and the health system. 

If you wish to get him onboard, then you may have an uphill struggle to educate him. Without him gaining concrete knowledge of autism, and being able to see that your daughter displays some autistic behaviours, then he will probably not be persuadable.