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Daughters father disputes her diagnosis

NAS78463

Hi there,

My daughter is almost 5 and since she was very young I have known that she had some challenges, she was a very 'difficult' baby and hyper vigilant etc, milk allergy and all sorts of things....and me being someone who is like a 'dog with a bone' when I want to understand something better I have researched and researched and felt several times she was likely on the spectrum. Over the years her behaviours changed but I noticed the social emotional challenges and controlling behaviours and troubles with emotional regulation, sleep etc etc. Her father has never been in agreement and has always trivialised it or made me feel like I was going mad. We separated a few years ago and I have tried to include him in what is happening re talking to paedatricians etc as her behaviours were flagged as a concern in her 2.5 year old checks. But he always either wasn't interested or came up with some book he had read which showed it was 'normal' child behaviour. Anyway she started school in September and they have noticed straight away that she needs a lot of extra support and we had a paediatrician appointment again the other day and school completed a questionnaire and my daughter had an assessment, and they diagnosed ASD (aspergers). My ex husband is disputing it and saying we are all wrong etc and that I have caused all of this....I just feel so sorry for my poor daughter in all of this as all I want is for her to get the support she needs. Has anyone else experienced this?

Also I am pretty sure my ex husband is undiagnosed aspergers also and perhaps that is why he can't see it?

Thanks so much, I feel so alone in this....

Parents

  • I've dated too many men who are dismissive, arrogant and lacked the intellectual ability to regard critical evaluation as something worthwhile. My son's father being the worst (but he passed away when my son turned 22). When I was in my 20's it hurt. In my 30's it was just frustrating. Now in my 40's, I have no patience for this sort of intolerable male ego.

    Edit: I had misread the above. If he is autistic and no one has mentioned he’s a bit different or his natural talents have been afforded the discipline needed to appear fluid in society, then he needs to understand expectations of women to start. The difference between the autistic traits allowed from males vs females can leave us vulnerable.

    Regardless, affording respect costs nothing. If he is autistic, appeal to his bedside manners and ethics. Appeal to the fundamental ways he engages in an argument. What’s the point of your including him if you cannot even have a dialectic discussion or if he shuts others down? 

    Now, maybe he's afraid it's his fault and projecting. Or maybe he does think someone died and made him G-d. At some point in my life I needed to learn healthy boundaries. The Laws of Physics do not change for him, unfortunately. 

    Putting together evidence to attempt to deal with him could be exhausting. It may very well be your daughter will at some point as she gets older, have a better impact on him. She's a part of his DNA, so she may relate to some of his personality type and it may just bounce off her like water on a duck. When my son was young I had told him he can be the best of his Father and I. We're not perfect, but take the good and improve on the unfortunate parts. The reality is, our personality can be made better by building our character. Then we can choose how these nuances are animated. In the mean time, I'd focus on being the parent she can learn from and rely on and teach her how to identify and state what she needs. 

    It sounds like you're doing what a good mother would do. I'd hold my ground and learn to be direct about not engaging if he’s going to dismiss you or treat you with contempt.. Carry on and stay connected with the school, the doctors, and anyone else interested. 

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