Bereavement

Have you tried writing to her. Explain how you're feeling about your mothers death and offer her the chance to write back. I would also say that anger is part of grief and an emotional response that is often overlooked or suppressed because "society" doesn't approve.

I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my Nan to cancer when I was 8 (13 years ago now) so I really do feel your loss and pain. It must be so hard for you both right now. Her reaction is a very typical grief response and it’s something she needs to go through. Space and time might be what she needs. Keep telling her how much you love her, it might seem like she doesn’t want to hear it but she does really. ( I was a horribly hormonal teenager and I gave my parents a terrible time) Just know that you don’t need to hide your grief around her, make sure she knows it’s okay to not be okay. And keep sharing the memories together. The change in routine since her nan’s passing might also be contributing to her behaviour. Try to keep life as normal as possible for her. Everyone grieves differently. Here’s some ideas (some might not suit her personally. Or she might not be ready for yet) She might like to grieve by reliving the anger by Screaming into a pillow, dancing to extremely loud music, punching a punch bag, throwing things. Or she might prefer to be more calm and do things such as making a memory box, sending messages to her Nan on helium balloons, art therapy, raising money for a charity in her nan’s memory. Writing letters to her Nan, having a teddy to hug. I found distracting myself with a box set helps, Try watching something together, Friends is my go to when I need a distraction. The charity ‘young minds’ have some useful advice and  might help your daughter understand her feelings more. I am happy to chat anytime day or night if you or your daughter need someone to talk.

It was a while ago, I can think of my mum without too much pain now.

Thank you for your response and sorry also for your loss.  

My mother's death badly affected my daughter, she was a few weeks off her 12th birthday when it happened. I'm afraid it caused panic attacks at school whenever death was raised as a topic in the classroom for a couple of years - as she attended a Catholic school, this was probably more frequent than if she had been at a secular school. She was very close to my mother, who absolutely adored her. I think that for an autistic child, the grief is intensified and compounded by the effect of the disruption to their life, as predictability is so very important to the autistic person. Suddenly, everything is unsure and temporary, and this is frightening. Other than keeping her home life as stable as you can, and reassuring your daughter that you and other younger members of your family are very unlikely to die for a long time, there is not a huge amount that you can personally do. When she was about 14 we had our daughter referred for counselling and she had a course of 'cognitive behaviour therapy' (CBT) and this helped a lot, but the therapist needs to be aware of how autism affects the response of autistic people to such therapy, and can adapt their approach appropriately.