My son is 4 he attends a specialist school which he seems to be enjoying. He isn’t using any form of communication atm. When his home he wants the tv on which isn’t a problem but he constantly wants it changed he becomes extremely frustrated when not done quick enough I’ve gone every programme or song I know he likes but sometimes not good enough he then grabs and scratches me. He is also very annoyed with anyone who touches there own face and will try to throw you out of the sitting room.
You either allow intra-family violence to occur, or you don't.
That is the hard lesson it took me nearly 30 years to learn.
Learning now at the age of four that violence is self-defeating and breeds further violence, IS a simple lesson you can teach.
When my much beloved child walked up and bit me unexpectedly, at about the same age, I didn't even think about it before delivering a very, very, fast (but not heavy) slap in return. It was the only time I ever had to raise a hand to my child.
I'd love to have delivered a more political correct solution, but I had 38 years or so of previous failed attempts to find a political solution to violence directed at myself, and THE ONLY SOLUTION is to either put distance between yourself and the initiator of violence or deliver superior, (or at least deterrent) levels of violence.
It's the ONLY time parent child violence is mandated in my experience, to teach that one short sharp lesson, that violence begets more violence. If you use another psychological training method, it's often very inefficient, and does not teach the child the all important lesson about what it feels like to have violence applied to you. I would not have struck my child again, had the behaviour persisted, but I instinctively and intellectually knew that one short slap, would make her seek alternative ways of giving me guff, when she felt the need.
If you use violence as a tool to try train a child generally it just teaches them that initiating violence for non-violent offences is O.K.when you get to be an adult and in the superior position in life. There are plenty of those types wandering about already, they think that if you hold a politcal opinion that they don't agree with, or a different religion, or your ancestors hurt their ancestors, that violence against random strangers is justifiable. It NEVER is.
Once you have taken violence off the table as a method of problem resolution, life & it's problems become more managable.
Take what I say with a pinch of salt, I've experienced an excess of violence in my life.
But nipping it in the bud will be a big advantage to your kid, I am SURE about that.
It's such a simple lesson. Violence begets violence. Because of the early part of my life, it was instinctive to teach her that lesson as early as it needed to be taught. I did not want her to have an early life like mine. I was taught that violnce was a means of training, or getting soemone to obey you, that's the bad lesson under my particular belief system. I may be wrong, mine is certainly often a contentious viewpoint, but I simply do not allow violence in my house, unless I initiate it. The moment I initiate violence I lose my power of course, this creating a safer environment for all. Nipping casual violence early on "in the bud" then made it safe as my child grew older to teach her real methods of self defence, such as if you do end up in violence ALWAYS get a DNA sample of your assailant. Even when totally outmatched, concentrating on getting your opppnent to leak soem sort of fluid or hacking any sort of piece off them with any available tool, means that the police can catch your murderer, and for example if you use yoru last few seconds of consciousness when being throttled, not to try and save yourself, but to make your attacker bleed, your sucess might prove enough of a distraction to save yorself anyway, and if not, reduces the chance of them getting away with it. But you can;t giev a child those tools until you are sure they won't use them in a casual argument. My child learned as soon as she applied pain to me, that it would be returned instantly, and it raised the bar for her instantly. I wish I knew of a dfferent way of teaching that lesson to a very simple and undeveloped mind.
I NEVER threatened any sort of violence, but I did create a story, where naughty children were turned into sausages, which I'd refer to when she was being pointlessly naughty to provoke a response. Being a practiced fool, I found it easy to trun waway her very occasional wrath with complete stupidity, or if the matter was with teh ultimate threat. "Look, you are just being bad now, and it needs to stop. If you don't stop it I will haev to do soemthng to you. I don't know what I'll do, but I'll think of something you won't like, and do it to you. I was lucky, I never really had to carry it out as far as I recall. Your kids want only to have a good time. As soon as you get all upright and "parenty" they know a good time isn;t to be had, and often swiftly fall into bad behaviours just as it says in that book I keep pushing. As teh adult until they get old enough adn experienced enough you can alwasy win every situation after a bit of thinking. All "discipline" was for my kid, was often an immediate diversion from the path she was on, to give me time to get my ducks in a row followed up with some training about how you knwo what you were doing previously, well, it wouldn;t have worked/it was wrong/it was too early/too late/ etc.
You only get until they are eight or so, to lay the foundations of how they see the world. And teaching them to avoid violence at all costs first, and only when that has definitely stuck, how to use it to their advantage if they ever need to.
And no "lies to children". The moment a child works out that a parent lied to them outside of the requirement for humour, is the day they start doing it themselves. The longer you can push that day back, the better.
If I thought I really could not or should not tell my child a truth, I told her that straight, I can not tell you what you wnat to know or explain that right now, I will when I can. I ended up with an teenager who when semi-serious circumstances forced her to lie barefacedly to me, could not sustain the story for more than an hour even though I had swallowed it hook and sinker. Now that makes parenting way easier for me, than the other folks.
It's such a simple lesson. Violence begets violence. Because of the early part of my life, it was instinctive to teach her that lesson as early as it needed to be taught. I did not want her to have an early life like mine. I was taught that violnce was a means of training, or getting soemone to obey you, that's the bad lesson under my particular belief system. I may be wrong, mine is certainly often a contentious viewpoint, but I simply do not allow violence in my house, unless I initiate it. The moment I initiate violence I lose my power of course, this creating a safer environment for all. Nipping casual violence early on "in the bud" then made it safe as my child grew older to teach her real methods of self defence, such as if you do end up in violence ALWAYS get a DNA sample of your assailant. Even when totally outmatched, concentrating on getting your opppnent to leak soem sort of fluid or hacking any sort of piece off them with any available tool, means that the police can catch your murderer, and for example if you use yoru last few seconds of consciousness when being throttled, not to try and save yourself, but to make your attacker bleed, your sucess might prove enough of a distraction to save yorself anyway, and if not, reduces the chance of them getting away with it. But you can;t giev a child those tools until you are sure they won't use them in a casual argument. My child learned as soon as she applied pain to me, that it would be returned instantly, and it raised the bar for her instantly. I wish I knew of a dfferent way of teaching that lesson to a very simple and undeveloped mind.
I NEVER threatened any sort of violence, but I did create a story, where naughty children were turned into sausages, which I'd refer to when she was being pointlessly naughty to provoke a response. Being a practiced fool, I found it easy to trun waway her very occasional wrath with complete stupidity, or if the matter was with teh ultimate threat. "Look, you are just being bad now, and it needs to stop. If you don't stop it I will haev to do soemthng to you. I don't know what I'll do, but I'll think of something you won't like, and do it to you. I was lucky, I never really had to carry it out as far as I recall. Your kids want only to have a good time. As soon as you get all upright and "parenty" they know a good time isn;t to be had, and often swiftly fall into bad behaviours just as it says in that book I keep pushing. As teh adult until they get old enough adn experienced enough you can alwasy win every situation after a bit of thinking. All "discipline" was for my kid, was often an immediate diversion from the path she was on, to give me time to get my ducks in a row followed up with some training about how you knwo what you were doing previously, well, it wouldn;t have worked/it was wrong/it was too early/too late/ etc.
You only get until they are eight or so, to lay the foundations of how they see the world. And teaching them to avoid violence at all costs first, and only when that has definitely stuck, how to use it to their advantage if they ever need to.
And no "lies to children". The moment a child works out that a parent lied to them outside of the requirement for humour, is the day they start doing it themselves. The longer you can push that day back, the better.
If I thought I really could not or should not tell my child a truth, I told her that straight, I can not tell you what you wnat to know or explain that right now, I will when I can. I ended up with an teenager who when semi-serious circumstances forced her to lie barefacedly to me, could not sustain the story for more than an hour even though I had swallowed it hook and sinker. Now that makes parenting way easier for me, than the other folks.
The proof is in the pudding, I was constantly criticised throughout my childs early life, by people who thought they knew better and who's children are now thrashing away at "problems" whlst my well adjusted kid sails though life...
I knew what I wanted to achieve, conflict management, and my child obtaiinng understanding when they could or should "push back" and when to STFU. I watched my methods work well, and my now adult child still calls me up for a chat from time to time, and occasionally thanks me for my efforts.
Your assessment is recieved in much the same way as I'd receive advice from a non-pilot when flying a windy approach, although it is far more welcome...
hi, you have an interesting viewpoint which i won't say is wrong but i don't think it's correct either. i suppose being the older person, other ways should be found to prove a point to a child. maybe by taking something like idk a phone.
threatening to do something to a child i don't know, you don't want your child scared of you because then it's almost like you're the "powerful" person. as naturally, a child is more vulnerable to the parent.
i understand that raising a child can be difficult however.
but, i do also believe that other ways can be found such as validating the child's feelings, going through why they acted the way they did and how it could be changed. because, i suppose your action could also teach that violence is the response to violence when 2 wrongs don't become a right. children aren't as "stupid" as people may think.
i also do know that many parents have hit their child in the past and in your situation, it was only the one occasion. my parents hit me many many times and i not once can recall what i did wrong in any situation. all i remember was the constant fear that i would be hit. nobody explained to me what i was doing wrong- all i knew was that many actions warranted a hit. i still suffer the effects of trauma now which was possibly particularly hard due to being an undiagnosed autistic at the time (still am but in the process of diagnosis) so i was further perplexed as to what the hell was going on. i suppose that's why i'm so passionate about hitting never being the way forward.
autileaf
