Non verbal autism

Thank you I’m so glad of just having a chat about it. He has made progress in using one communication board (food based) but I couldn’t be prouder so hoping to create a tv on that may help him his just so obbessed with it sometimes I feel like taking it off the wall! 

It’s nice to know I’m not the only one with the remote glued to my hand! He just loves to the nursery rhymes on I try to distract him with activities, toys or his sensory room but he still insists for the right song to be on. If I turn it a melt down occurs I’ve tried riding the melt down out but last time it went on for 45mins and it upsets the other children. And breaks my heart the way he gets and looks. 

The proof is in the pudding, I was constantly criticised throughout my childs early life, by people who thought they knew better and who's children are now thrashing away at "problems" whlst my well adjusted kid sails though life...

I knew what I wanted to achieve, conflict management, and my child obtaiinng understanding when they could or should "push back" and when to STFU. I watched my methods work well, and my now adult child still calls me up for a chat from time to time, and occasionally thanks me for my efforts.

Your assessment is recieved in much the same way as I'd receive advice from a non-pilot when flying a windy approach, although it is far more welcome...

hi, you have an interesting viewpoint which i won't say is wrong but i don't think it's correct either. i suppose being the older person, other ways should be found to prove a point to a child. maybe by taking something like idk a phone.

threatening to do something to a child i don't know, you don't want your child scared of you because then it's almost like you're the "powerful" person. as naturally, a child is more vulnerable to the parent.

i understand that raising a child can be difficult however. 

but, i do also believe that other ways can be found such as validating the child's feelings, going through why they acted the way they did and how it could be changed. because, i suppose your action could also teach that violence is the response to violence when 2 wrongs don't become a right. children aren't as "stupid" as people may think. 

i also do know that many parents have hit their child in the past and in your situation, it was only the one occasion. my parents hit me many many times and i not once can recall what i did wrong in any situation. all i remember was the constant fear that i would be hit. nobody explained to me what i was doing wrong- all i knew was that many actions warranted a hit. i still suffer the effects of trauma now which was possibly particularly hard due to being an undiagnosed autistic at the time (still am but in the process of diagnosis) so i was further perplexed as to what the hell was going on. i suppose that's why i'm so passionate about hitting never being the way forward. 

autileaf

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It's such a simple lesson. Violence begets violence. Because of the early part of my life, it was instinctive to teach her that lesson as early as it needed to be taught. I did not want her to have an early life like mine. I was taught that violnce was a means of training, or getting soemone to obey you, that's the bad  lesson under my particular belief system. I may be wrong, mine is certainly often a contentious viewpoint, but I simply do not allow violence in my house, unless I initiate it. The moment I initiate violence I lose my power of course, this creating a safer environment for all. Nipping casual violence early on "in the bud" then made it safe as my child grew older to teach her real  methods of self defence, such as if you do end up in violence ALWAYS get a DNA sample of your assailant. Even when totally outmatched, concentrating on getting your opppnent to leak soem sort of fluid or hacking any sort of piece off them with any available tool, means that the police can catch your murderer, and for example if you use yoru last few seconds of consciousness when being throttled, not to try and save yourself, but to make your attacker bleed, your sucess might prove enough of a distraction to save yorself anyway, and if not, reduces the chance of them getting away with it. But you can;t giev a child those tools until you are sure they won't use them in a casual argument. My child learned as soon as she applied pain to me, that it would be returned instantly, and it raised the bar for her instantly. I wish I knew of a dfferent way of teaching that lesson to a very simple and undeveloped mind. 

I NEVER threatened any sort of violence, but I did create a story, where naughty children were turned into sausages, which I'd refer to when she was being pointlessly naughty to provoke a response. Being a practiced fool, I found it easy to trun waway her very occasional wrath with complete stupidity, or if the matter was with teh ultimate threat. "Look, you are just being bad now, and it needs to stop. If you don't stop it I will haev to do soemthng to you. I don't know what I'll do, but I'll think of something you won't like, and do it to you. I was lucky, I never really had to carry it out as far as I recall. Your kids want only to have a good time. As soon as you get all upright and "parenty" they know a good time isn;t to be had, and often swiftly fall into bad behaviours just as it says in that book I keep pushing. As teh adult until they get old enough adn experienced enough you can alwasy win every situation after a bit of thinking. All "discipline" was for my kid, was often an immediate diversion from the path she was on, to give me time to get my ducks in a row followed up with some training about how you knwo what you were doing previously, well, it wouldn;t have worked/it was wrong/it was too early/too late/ etc. 

You only get until they are eight or so, to lay the foundations of how they see the world. And teaching them to avoid violence at all costs first, and only when that has definitely stuck, how to use it to their advantage if they ever need to.

And no "lies to children". The moment a child works out that a parent lied to them outside of the requirement for humour, is the day they start doing it themselves. The longer you can push that day back, the better.

If I thought I really could not or should not tell my child a truth, I told her that straight, I can not tell you what you wnat to know or explain that right now, I will when I can. I ended up with an teenager who when semi-serious circumstances forced her to lie barefacedly to me, could not sustain the story for more than an hour even though I had swallowed it hook and sinker. Now that makes parenting way easier for me, than the other folks.

I’m not much help but my son is 2 years old and has the same thing with the TV. He is non-verbal so can’t express what he wants and just brings you the remote, you put it on then he brings it you again to change it. This goes on for longer than I like to mention and he also gets frustrated. I struggle to be able to assist with this so my only suggestion is distraction if it’s possible. I get his cars out and blocks, start lining up and usually he will join in.

Also he has a tablet that he is obsessed with however I did try to limit but found that he’s actually developing in ways I couldn’t imagine he would eg being able to identify numbers and show you when requested, match colours. I now look to the positives of it. If this is how my child learns and it’s actually having a positive impact I won’t try to limit quite as much. However I do like to have plenty of time to work on social skills so finding something to do together is the other option.

Im probably no help but if any of this gives you piece of mind that something you can be ok to allow then I’ll be happy with that 

I take onboard your experience and appreciate your advice. But I don’t want to demonstrate and violence towards him I don’t believe he is at the level or understanding he may nearly be 5 but isn’t mentally at the age. 

We have the pecs card and communicates but atm he just isn’t interested we have tried so so so hard but he just won’t even in his chair at the table he looks over them or away.. and the problem is there is so many programs. He isn’t aloud his own device any more as he was to engaged in it he woudnt understand when it was off time of if it died. He watches part of program then has enough and wants ya changed or he likes a certain clip that he wants to repeat. Other than removing the tv off the wall I don’t no what to do. When he becomes stressed and starts to grab i address him with nice hands and leave the room as I know his safe i have gates on so I can see/hear from the kitchen. Just feel like some day I just can’t make him happy 

You either allow intra-family violence to occur, or you don't. 

That is the hard lesson it took me nearly 30 years to learn.

Learning now at the age of four that violence is self-defeating and breeds further violence, IS a simple lesson you can teach. 

When my much beloved child walked up and bit me unexpectedly, at about the same age, I didn't even think about it before delivering a very, very, fast (but not heavy) slap in return. It was the only time I ever had to raise a hand to my child.

I'd love to have delivered a more political correct solution, but I had 38 years or so of previous failed attempts to find a political solution to violence directed at myself, and THE ONLY SOLUTION is to either put distance between yourself and the initiator of violence or deliver superior, (or at least deterrent) levels of violence.

It's the ONLY time parent child violence is mandated in my experience, to teach that one short sharp lesson, that violence begets more violence. If you use another psychological training method, it's often very inefficient, and does not teach the child the all important lesson about what it feels like to have violence applied to you. I would not have struck my child again, had the behaviour persisted, but I instinctively and intellectually knew that one short slap, would make her seek alternative ways of giving me guff, when she felt the need.

If you use violence as a tool to try train a child generally it just teaches them that initiating violence for non-violent offences is O.K.when you get to be an adult and in the superior position in life. There are plenty of those types wandering about already, they think that if you hold a politcal opinion that they don't agree with, or a different religion, or your ancestors hurt their ancestors, that violence against random strangers is justifiable. It NEVER is.

Once you have taken violence off the table as a method of problem resolution, life & it's problems become more managable.

Take what I say with a pinch of salt, I've experienced an excess of violence in my life.

But nipping it in the bud will be a big advantage to your kid, I am SURE about that.

Sorry to hear your having a hard time with your child.

You may already have one of these it if not it could help. 

Does your sons school have a speech and language therapist? If so You could ask them to make up a laminated communication book. 1 page made up of images of the programs he enjoys (in individual boxes) he may eventually learn to point to what cartoon he wants. I would have the booklet out in front of him at all times.

You could also have a page with real pictures of his favourite toys and one of family members and or any pets, and real images of places you may go such as a certain shop, school, soft play, family members houses you visit. You could also put a page in with breakfast foods, lunch foods and dinner time foods that your child enjoys and one with treats if you allow your child treats. 

My sons was made with proper images and not cartoons as we were just starting out but I must say it’s something that helped my sons frustrations of having no language and also the frustrations with myself not knowing what he was wanting. 

It takes a good while to get used to but hopefully it may be a good thing for your child. 

We also have pecs cards with the cartoon images and they are excellent also, we did start out with real images.