Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi there,
I am a single mum who was recently diagnosed with high functioning autism.
My son, who turned 4 at the weekend, is also showing lots of features of high functioning autism. He recently started pre-prep.
School are great and are supporting him with things like visual cues and timetables so he understands what's happening when and he is actually doing brilliantly at settling in. Between myself and the school, we are sorting paperwork for extra support and assessment for ASD. I am a GP which is proving quite helpful.
Seem to be having a big problem with son being overly affectionate. He has always been very cuddly which hasn't been a problem up until now (he never settled at Montessori when he was 2 so ended up stopping going so this is first time really being around lots of others). However, he is constantly hugging and being tactile with the other children in his class and they really don't like it. He has told his teacher and the class room assistant that he loves them and keeps cuddling them.
I keep trying to explain to him that while he can cuddle his family, other people don't necessarily like it and it can upset them. He doesn't seem to be taking it on board. I have mentioned to the school and on the paperwork that I am worried that him being over tactile with others will cause a problem. My mum picked him up from school today and the teacher had said to her that she will be speaking to me again about my son wanting to hug and touch the other children again as it seems to be upsetting them.
I'm not sure how else I can tackle this. He has a tendency to go around knocking down the other kids' building blocks too, again I have tried explaining and demonstrating for years that this is not kind but he doesn't take it in.
Im getting worried that because of his behaviour that he is going to be ostracized very quickly by the other children. He is a very happy little boy but I worry that he could end up in a situation where he ends up isolating himself because of his actions.
Hi, I’m an autistic adult, who has extensively worked with children in this age range with a all sorts of needs. I was also, A very affectionate kid.
remember that your child being autistic does not mean they are not capable of understanding these or any other concept, but we do need more information and practice to understand especially in childhood when all children are still learning.
it is never too young to teach consent, and this is where I‘ve found the most success in getting a child of this age, even neurotypical children, to understand personal space and bodily autonomy. Teach him to ask first. Role play is extremely helpful in a one on one basis. Talk to his teachers and get them on board with the gentle reminders rather than reprimanding. Help him recognize when he is wanting to hug, feeling overwhelming big emotions is part of autism. He fully means it when he says he loves them. He knows that hugging and cuddles are how his loved ones up until going to a school setting have shown him they love him and so this is where at 4, his understanding is. Teach him to ask first, role play appropriate hugs or hand holding etc. if someone says yes, and help him practice the appropriate response to being told no. It is helpful to discuss his own aversions and dislikes, and ask him how he feels when they are fixed on him. Him loving them, doesn’t mean he can touch them if they don’t want that, and he is more likely to understand this if you put it into context he can understand from his own experiences already. He likes hugs, so you need to relate it to what he dislikes and help him understand we ALL even you, have things we like and dislike and that every person is different. If say he doesn’t like light touch, or tags in clothing, loud sounds, lights etc. he very much already knows how it feels to have those extremely painful sensory things forced on him, then he will understand if you then explain that’s how the other children feel when he hugs or touches them with out them wanting that.
remember that he is very little and neurotypical children his age also struggle with impulse control. Sometimes it’s our autistic traits getting in the way of understanding what seems simple to others, sometimes, your kid is just being 4. This, is mostly just your kid being 4, but the correction needs to be handled in an autistic understandable way. More information than you think is needed, practice in a safe environment, and understanding from all adults in support positions that this isn’t going to happen over night. They will all need to be on the same page and consistently correcting behavior with understanding and care. Teachers can also help further by explaining your sons autism to the other children, and instructing them on how to tell him no thank you.
Ive worked with kids for 25 years. This has consistently been a regular issue in classrooms of this age, but by and large this was a problem ive seen in the neurotypical children (autistic kids aren’t common you get one every few years usually and not often diagnosed yet) so this isn’t something to punish, and it’s not something to be blamed or singled out as the autistic kid being an issue. This is across the board a little kid thing, he just needs to learn it in a different way than his neurotypical classmates.