Overly affectionate child

LOL - most pleasantries will have underlying ethical principles. I don't disagree. Most people (assuming this means NTs) apparently remember how you made them feel (rather than what was said). So many social aims are to help others feel a sense of enjoyment, which is community building. In theory, and when I have a choice, it's fine. But when it's everywhere & you cannot even walk in a shop without someone at every door asking how you are an telling you what to do (have a nice day), it becomes more of an absurdity.  

I actually picked up on "have a nice day" and started using it myself to the amusement of my friends.  

It struck me as quite a nice thing to wish someone.in most circumstances, but also useable as blistering sarcasm when neccesary...

     He may very well start to push people away as his demonstrative love for them is rejected. I had a very similar profile, myself. I did become isolated and desperately lonely, as a consequence. I could not understand why my affections were not returned. I began to feel I was unworthy somehow. this was a spiral down to watching others from a distance. Of course things are quite a bit more accommodating than in the 1950s.

    Perhaps he will find a balance. It sound like loving others and people in general are of special interest to him - a special interest. Please let him know he NOT unworthy of love and friendship, but that many other people do not understand this love and are not able to respond to it. It is not him, it is the culture he lives in. Are there any other AS folks in his life? This may also make a difference. Can you enroll him in a school meant for AS folk?

My son had a similar problem where he would touch or tug at little girls' ponytails (shiny bands) or anything shiny. Culturally, elders pat the heads of children out of affection and his grandfather would do that, which made him assume this was normal. But he would touch shiny coloured rings and necklaces too so it had to do with what was catching his attention rather than touch. He was a similar age and was eventually diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. I'm a GP myself, and I tried to help by understanding what his favourite colour was, which turned out to be red, so he had plenty of shiny red toys that he had. It didn't last long with the 'touching', but it was problematic at nursery and in play dens where little girls would scream. My son would just sit there perplexed and all the parents would be shouting at me as though he had misbehaved. The difference is that he was never mischievous or naughty, just his autism and the way he saw his world. At the time I tried to explain but angry ranting parents had no patience or willingness to understand. Conversely, as he grew older, he would misinterpret 'tig' the game and would end up crying if he was tagged. In his literal world, he had most likely been assaulted as there is no abstraction, no grades of touch and everything translates to being hit. I remember grabbing his arm once as I nearly lost him in the crowds at a fairground and he couldn't understand why and assumed I had somehow punished him for something he had done. It was never about why I was doing something, but the action that he misinterpreted and I would have to explain why I did what I did. He's 18 now and displays very different signs of autism, mostly subtle, but it takes a great deal of effort and understanding when it is easier to get frustrated that he is not normal. Neurodivergent yes, but I often wonder if the issue is society's inability to adapt and understand autism, when society expects him to adapt to 'normal' when that is not possible.

Find other stims to replace the problematic ones. It’s not okay for him to lick or squeeze other kids, but it’s very possible to divert those same needs into an appropriate way. Squeezing a stress ball when he feels like he wants that tactile experience rather than choosing a peers arm to squeeze out of the need to get that feeling out. Licking or biting or other oral stims can be redirected by giving him something to safely keep in his pocket that he can do that to. There is also jewelry specifically made for those of us who have a need for oral stims. Have you asked him what he likes about licking people? Have you ever say, licked his cheek? He may not yet have the concept down of what it feels like on the other end. He doesn’t need to be punished or have any stim needs taken away they’re very much how we manage sensory processing issues. An understanding of when he feels that need, why that specific need, and redirection to a different stim that meets that need are going to help him greatly in having a chance to relate better to peers. Him being alone at this age doesn’t mean he will always. We get along best with people with the same neurology this is true for you neurotypical folks as well that’s why you struggle to understand the autistic perspective from observation alone. 

I highly suggest Neuroclastic.com  asa starting point of understanding the autistic experience instead of the neurotypical observation of autistics. We know the best what it’s like to be us, just as any other minority is going to be the expert on their experiences.

Your sister having an autistic child doesn’t mean you’ve taken the time to learn about that child and your comment shows that.

learn the difference between temper tantrums and autistic meltdowns. Try to actually understand this kid. Your comment isn’t helpful and shows you’ve chosen to just see him as a problem rather than learn his differences and very real sensitivities. He isn’t rude, we don’t process what you call tone. We process things literally and we are honest and direct with our words. We can’t read between lines and we don’t understand or use implied meanings. You very clearly don’t understand autism at all and need to educate yourself from the #ActuallyAutistic perspective. Your dismissal of him being rude and angry is extremely harmful and a large aspect of why autistic people live lives full of bullying, abuse and end up with a whole host of emotional and self hating issues into adulthood.

neurotypical is not better, it’s just different. Autism is just as valid it’s just a different neurology but we live lives villianized as you’ve done here because neurotypical folks expect us to change things we very literally cannot. It’s a very simple fix, but it requires neurotypical folks to learn and understand us. His meltdowns aren’t about nothing, you just don’t process things the way he does so you have no idea what is effecting him that way. Please learn and be a better advocate before dispensing advice. Your nephew isn’t bad, you have categorized his struggles as an unexpected choice he made and that’s your ignorance. These are absolutely things you can and should accommodate for. 

Hi, I’m an autistic adult, who has extensively worked with children in this age range with a all sorts of needs. I was also, A very affectionate kid.

remember that your child being autistic does not mean they are not capable of understanding these or any other concept, but we do need more information and practice to understand especially in childhood when all children are still learning.

it is never too young to teach consent, and this is where I‘ve found the most success in getting a child of this age, even neurotypical children, to understand personal space and bodily autonomy. Teach him to ask first. Role play is extremely helpful in a one on one basis. Talk to his teachers and get them on board with the gentle reminders rather than reprimanding. Help him recognize when he is wanting to hug, feeling overwhelming big emotions is part of autism. He fully means it when he says he loves them. He knows that hugging and cuddles are how his loved ones up until going to a school setting have shown him they love him and so this is where at 4, his understanding is. Teach him to ask first, role play appropriate hugs or hand holding etc. if someone says yes, and help him practice the appropriate response to being told no. It is helpful to discuss his own aversions and dislikes, and ask him how he feels when they are fixed on him. Him loving them, doesn’t mean he can touch them if they don’t want that, and he is more likely to understand this if you put it into context he can understand from his own experiences already. He likes hugs, so you need to relate it to what he dislikes and help him understand we ALL even you, have things we like and dislike and that every person is different. If say he doesn’t like light touch, or tags in clothing, loud sounds, lights etc. he very much already knows how it feels to have those extremely painful sensory things forced on him, then he will understand if you then explain that’s how the other children feel when he hugs or touches them with out them wanting that. 

remember that he is very little and neurotypical children his age also struggle with impulse control. Sometimes it’s our autistic traits getting in the way of understanding what seems simple to others, sometimes, your kid is just being 4. This, is mostly just your kid being 4, but the correction needs to be handled in an autistic understandable way. More information than you think is needed, practice in a safe environment, and understanding from all adults in support positions that this isn’t going to happen over night. They will all need to be on the same page and consistently correcting behavior with understanding and care. Teachers can also help further by explaining your sons autism to the other children, and instructing them on how to tell him no thank you.

Ive worked with kids for 25 years. This has consistently been a regular issue in classrooms of this age, but by and large this was a problem ive seen in the neurotypical children (autistic kids aren’t common you get one every few years usually and not often diagnosed yet) so this isn’t something to punish, and it’s not something to be blamed or singled out as the autistic kid being an issue. This is across the board a little kid thing, he just needs to learn it in a different way than his neurotypical classmates.

my son is the same and I have been told he's got sensory processing disorder. I am waiting for OT.

This child can't seem to grasp the concept of personal space. I think this child needs to have a few calm conversations and explain to him that everyone has the right to refuse hugs and other touches and that he doesn't need to feel bad about it. My son doesn't have autism, but our nephew with autism sometimes surprises us with his temper and disregard for personal boundaries. However, he isn't affectionate at all but rather rude. My sister took him to [Removed by Mod] and had specialists talk to him there to help him.

Have you tried a weighted blanket or vest, they are designed to provide a similar pressure to a hug and they could offer him that when he needs a hug. Or maybe a favourite teddy bear. It is so sad we live in a world where we have to teach children we can’t hug everyone, having autism makes children more vulnerable so it’s a tricky balance to teach. it may be worth reminding the nursery that your son has sensory processing disorder relating to his autism and that he can’t help his need for hug and it is out of your control. They should have a Sen qualified person at the nursery  who should be suggesting ways they can help not blaming you. And he is probably knocking down the building blocks because he has nothing better to do, they need to come up with a better way of stimulating him at nursery. It could also be that he enjoys getting things wrong (a autistic trait of my brother) sometimes a bit of reverse psychology works. Saying ‘don’t put another block on the tower’ instead of don’t knock the tower down’ can work. Especially if you then knock down the tower they have just spent time building as they feel the frustration and upset. And learn that it wasn’t a kind thing to do. It isn’t  uncommon for all children to want to be mean to other children at this age it’s all part of learning how to socialise!

Just curious, are you in the US? I ask because while I'm from the States, I now live in the UK. One thing which is noticeably different is the invasion of personal space happens almost constantly in the US but definitely not in England. So much so, that other humans Dogs rarely if never approach strangers in the UK. Or 1 out of a few hundred may - it's Very Rare. This invasion of privacy and space and intrusiveness was something in the US that was quite overwhelming for me. Others demand you smile or command you to have a nice day and invade your private internal self. Dog owners don't teach them manners, but also people just speak to strangers as if we want to have conversations. All The Time! There are other subtle ways of invasions, Trojan horses in the most nebulous places, like this over familiarity of using a strangers First Name! I'd experience older women shoving a locked bathroom door open - as if it's out to get them - or approaching me and asking if I 'liked' whatever I ordered, even before tasting it. We don't need to discuss male domination so as to spark a tangent of discussion. But as far as respecting boundaries, the US is not where one goes to experience that. Others have no problem shoving their music or phone conversations in your space, the open space being taken up by everyones inability to curb their emotions which suck up a good deal of O2. 

While I shouldn't rant... Are there subtle cues he's picking up that the world is there to cuddle and plow into? Crashing the world into bloom! It's certainly an innocent ideal. And I'd feel broken hearted for pulling him out of this before he's ready. 

Unfortunately the only way to maybe help him re-think razing another Childs tower is by... gasp... doing it to him when he's enjoying the task. Of course, there's a possibility he might find it amusing and just 'roll with the punch' so to speak due to everything being so blended in together, maybe? But you don't want to be someone he can't trust, so curious if you have a single friend who can be a scapegoat?

This is tough one! I do know that for me, learning disciplined and respectful exchanges helped immensely. Learning to shake someones hand and not allow strangers to hug me (church members can be FAR too creepy / familiar). Perhaps there are books with a Gentleman's Mannerism for encountering the world which you can teach him at this young age and as he practices them, will incorporate them as grounded, proven, trusted ways of engaging. Gestures and movements that are Society-Friendly and don't have repercussions of rejection, and also create aesthetic for the world around us. Redirection techniques. They may be things you can do with him - as he will mirror you. (For instance, I'd always say, "thank you" when handing something to my son at a young age, eventually he would simply say it when handed a thing.)

Autistic individuals tend to grow up / mature slower than NTs. This is to do with language from my understanding, and our difficulties with it. While I never dreamed I'd be able to articulate how I can now in my 40s, I don't think I even started maturing how I should've around 18 until my late 20's. Acting classes and anything with a hint of solid ethics helped immensely. 

My almost 4 year old son is exactly the same he is large and hugs and kisses all the children and is overly friendly with adults asking to be hugged and carried if he's unhappy. The school have asked if we can address the situation but I am loathed to tell him to stop being tactile. However lately he is pushing and seeking more and more sensory stimulation so licking and squeezing which scares other children his age. I have all the same worries as you. On all his school pictures he's alone..