Teen son with autism, adhd, depression and epilepsy

Thanks - we weren't married long but he was still his father.

One of the things I've found profound in practicing that my grandmother taught me was to find the few things which are important and for everything else: there is absolutely no obligation. So, "you are welcome to come for a walk, but not in the least obligated". Creating inclusion without duty. And doing it with everything whether it's having a conversation or watching a film or sitting at the dinner table.

Relieving kids of obligatory tasks allows them to implement them when they're ready. And to do so authentically. It can facilitate a better connexion. And I've always done whatever is necessary to keep lines of communication open.

The hardest part I've found is making sure I don't accidentally say something in a way that sounds like I'm creating an expectation. It can be so frustrating when the normal use of communication in society contains multiple elements of manipulation. 

Good you're leaving him food and allowing him room to just mend. Another good phrase we say around here is "how can I help". And again, maybe they don't know, maybe they do and don't care to share at the minute. Eventually, they'll say it back :) 

Hi Caring Dad - Thank you for joining the community, welcome! So sorry to hear you and your family are having a really hard time right now, I already see that the community is being wonderful with practical advice and kind words - Thanks everyone!

Just on your concerns about your son and self harm I thought I would post some links here for you if you ever need them:

Bullying - Firstly, you can find our guide on dealing with bullying here: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/bullying/bullying   If you would like some confidential advice and support, you may like to call the Bullying UK helpline on 0808 800 2222 or by visiting their website: http://bit.ly/IQ47dS.  

School -  these might not be relevant now but maybe in the future they could be. These pages contain a lot of helpful information about education for a child with an autism: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/education This includes information regarding getting extra support for your child in their education setting. You can search for schools that cater for children with an autism spectrum disorder on our Autism Services Directory: https://www.autism.org.uk/directory. You may want to contact our Education Rights Service who provides information, support and advice on educational provision and entitlements. Please see the following link for further information: https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/education-advice-line.

You may be interested in contacting our School Exclusions service. The School Exclusions Service offers advice and information to parents of children and young people on the autism spectrum on all aspects of school exclusion in England. If you would like to access this service please call 0808 800 4002. Please leave a message on the answering service with a brief summary of your enquiry, together with your phone number and email address, so that an Exclusions Adviser can arrange to call you back to discuss your query in detail. https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/school-exclusion-service 

Self harm - If your son continutes to stuggle and cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about any feelings or thoughts of suicide. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure your son gets appropriate help and support. If it’s outside your GP hours call  111  to reach the NHS 111 service: http://www.nhs.uk/NHSEngland/AboutNHSservices/Emergencyandurgentcareservices/Pages/NHS-111.aspx  

The Samaritans also provide confidential non-judgemental emotional support, 24 hours a day on 116 123, or by email on jo@samaritans.org. 

MIND have information pages on coping with self harm or suicidal feelings based on the experiences of people who’ve been through it that you may find helpful.  

You can find more information here: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/suicide 

Generally - You can also contact our Autism Helpline for impartial, confidential information: 0808 800 4104 (Monday to Friday 10am to 3pm. Please note that the Helpline is experiencing a high volume of calls and it may take a couple of attempts before you get through to speak to an adviser. 

Hope there is something in these useful for you. Keep posting on this forum any specific questions as there are many experience that memebers have been through before and can offer advice on. It might even be useful for your son to join if/when he feels comfortable to do so

All the best, SarahMod

Fantastic to hear how well your daughter is doing. I’ve come to the forum as I have no one to talk to about this, the more I talk to my wife the more stressed she becomes. My friends don’t understand, it genuinely had made me feel a bit better listening to the positivity 

thanks 

Thanks for the reply, sorry to hear about your husband. Some great advice there, and I will adopt some of those practices, I feel ill be asking him to come for a walk until I’m 100! Great that your son is now flourishing, my lad is also super talented and I really hope he finds his calling, I’ve just never seen him as depressed as this and I’m concerned for his welfare but do not know what to do next. I think I will just have to leave him alone, I’ve been bringing him food up to his room and just leaving it with him, if I did not do this he would simply not eat 

*note the lighting. I would put incandescents / halogens in my entire house if my son were epileptic. I have LEDs in just a few places, but if you cannot catch the minor flux of LEDs in decay or even perceive the cheeper bulbs in their cycle, then you won't notice how grating and difficult these lights are for an autistic, let alone someone epileptic to live under. 

I am actually quite angry that city councils have allowed these flashing LEDs on bicycles and scooters. This needs to change in society. I have several friends who are epileptic. There are too many dangerous situations for them on a daily basis and online. 

Your family is having a hard time. My daughter, who has ADHD, anxiety, panic attacks and other problems, dropped out of doing A levels due to stress. She took about 6 months to recover, then looked around for non-A-level courses and decided on a 2 year art course. She found doing a single subject in a different setting from 6th form college a big improvement. She got into Cambridge Art School and graduated recently with a 1st class degree. Things can get better.

Here's some WILD advice from a mum of a 25 year old young man: Buy him a video gaming system and put zero limits on him playing it. Allow him to check out for the rest of the school year. Give him an excessive amount of time to recover.  School will always be there. Leave food at his door. Help him clean his room until he politely says he'd rather do it himself (ask for bedding once a week and hand him bedding to change, this way he takes part in one increment of movement.) Go for a walk every day at the same time and invite him until he says yes. After he seems a little more healthy, find an exercise he likes - rock climbing, weight training, judo, anything. Just once a week until he desires further. Make sure he has incandescent or halogen lighting in his room. 

Also buy him a multi vitamin, inquire about ashwaganda (Pukka Herbs) with his GP to try something new for the depression and ask about CDB. It sounds to me like he needs a year off to completely re-set his entire system. If he doesn't learn immediately the value of appropriate down-time, the value of a proper time-out, the value of recognising, understanding and obedience to his limits, you could be offering him an early grave and a terrible life. I wasn't told this when I started as a parent, but eventually I learned: Managing to forcibly keep my son in something that was destroying him is similar to forcing him to eat a little something poisonous every day. I'm fairly certain neither of us would do the second. 

After my son's father passed at 20, I was able to help reconstruct him psychologically. Now at 25, his depression is gone. He can recognise when he needs a man-cave for a day to recharge. He's incredibly intelligent and this is the first year he has suddenly expressed excitement and interest in the possibility of a career. He's 180 degrees different. He's gone to Waterstones to buy various self-help books he's interested in and we talk about them. He may go back to school at some point. He just barely made it through High School and Uni but near the bottom of his class. But right now he's thriving - not just barely surviving. He needed a break, a psychological and mental shift and this doesn't happen over night, it takes years of diligence, learning integrity and values, learning how to be human and accept human flaws, learning what my strengths are. But none of this can happen when I'm mentally beyond exhausted or at a breaking point. First I need to heal and that may mean just finding space being / existing  and doing - or even finding small things that I enjoy.