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How can I help my adult son be happier?

NAS74662

Hello, this is my first post.

My adult son has (undiagnosed) aspergers.  He started the route towards diagnosis a few years ago but wouldn't take it past the first session.  Since then he has refused to entertain the idea of any help but he finds it so hard being him and very much does need help.  How on earth can I even brouch the subject with him without him getting upset, never mind getting him to the point where he would go back to the GP.  He trusts me and I need that to continue.  

Am sure this must be a problem for other people whose loved ones have aspergers, so any thoughts would be appreciated.

  • in reply to NAS74662
    NAS74662 said:
    Re Chris Packham, can you tell me the name of the documentary please.

    Chris Packham: Asperger’s And Me

    Search for it on YouTube or similar.

  • Thank you all for your replies, lots of food for thought.  Luckily my son's manager is aware of his situation.  As you say I'm not sure diagnosis is necessary but help for anxiety and depression certainly is.  Since yesterday I'm thinking that maybe we start off with me providing that help (although the idea of sitting him down for 5 minutes might work, I can imagine his reaction but you never know, and I need to be brave too) and see where that gets us.  Anyway to this end I'm trying to immerse myself in as much information as I can cope with.

    I've noted all your suggestions and will follow them up.  Re Chris Packham, can you tell me the name of the documentary please.  His story, which I shared with my son made us realise that he was exactly like that too.  

    Any more of your comments and advice welcomed 

  • I think that he has a lot of negative feelings about being labelled. I am exactly the opposite I found being a bag of weird reactions and strange difficulties and limitations really unpleasant to live with, when I found that I was autistic I was overjoyed to discover an underlying reason for how I am. Being diagnosed opens up to you the experiences of other autistic people and also their often ingenious ways of coping with the condition.

    There is an autistic community out there and it contains many remarkable and creative human beings, Greta Thunberg and Anthony Hopkins, being just two. 

  • in reply to Andy-Zan

    https://www.aspergerexperts.com/blogs/entry/97-the-most-effective-way-to-motivate-someone-with-aspergers/ I thought this might be helpful as well. I also read an ebook from them called Surviving and Thriving with Aspergers and it was really helpful. It's geared more towards those who have Aspergers themselves.

  • You could just ask him in calm way if he'll listen to how you feel, with no obligations to do anything. Just ask him to listen for five minutes and try and just be honest with him. Then ask him what he thinks and maybe tell him it's ok for him to be frustrated. I think that is what I would find helpful. I hope this helps.

  • As a parent, I might openly watch and read things regarding who he is as a human. Chris Packhams documentary is a good one. Find other successful humans who are also autistic. Follow them on Twitter. Indulge your virtual social scene with these creative, pragmatic technicians and you may find an automatic feeling of inspiration toward and with them. 

    My son simply picks up on who I'm inspired by and respect. I don't have to tell him or show him. It just radiates from us. 

    This same application works in the opposite. Parents can install a Political Dogma on to their children just by how they speak of or engage with or be enraged or inspired by any political party. While some children may grow up to learn their own truth, when we now use this association toward and with autism, it won't ever fail. People don't suffer from 'Autism', they suffer from Society. So many autistic individuals are really and completely inspirational. 

  • There isn’t really a ‘cure’ for autism and a lot of us wouldn’t want one. After diagnosis help he’ll get from his doctors will mostly be limited to controlling anxiety and depression which he’ll get anyway if he asks.

    the real point of a diagnosis is it gives you a bit of paper to wave at a boss or burocrat to prove you’re not making your difficulty's up and to demonstraight yes some special allowenses need to be made for you.

    you can honestly tell your son the diagnosis isn’t likely to lead to any medical help, at least none Specific to autism. It might however buy him a little latitude from the people in society who may be making his life hard.