Why is losing a game a big deal?

It is something I have always had and still have. The upset and rage is a form of autistic meltdown and is usually self-directed. Autistics are not good at self-regulation and situations that are merely disappointing or vexing for allistic people can overwhelm our ability to cope. My solution was and is not to play board games or card games. People eventually understand that I just don't play that sort of competitive game and I'm quite happy to sit on the sidelines. As a child, I always preferred imaginative play, drawing and painting, construction kits and suchlike. 

Hi.

My son is like this too. And we focus on  ‘good sportsmanship’  as a foundation for behaviours for all games. This also includes teaching appropriate’sledging’ and teasing - both giving it and taking it.

We also have to manage his expectations. This used to be before every type of game, every time eg reminding him he will win and he will loose. And what he can do when he wins and when he looses. We also use scripting - eg what to say to others when you win/loose or they win/loose. 

And we have to adapt all the time. So when he was 3 I let him win a lot. But now he’s 5 and he copes better with the winning and loosing and so I don’t have to let him win much. It does depend on his escalation level. Sometimes a meltdown is not even about the game, for my son it could be the 100th trigger that day and he’s reached his limit. 

I also remind him about practicing and training. The concept of trying doesn’t gel with him. And I use other examples of his success (due to practice, perseverence etc) to remind him it works. And that it will keep working. 

Oh, and we have rules too, for when he’s with others or doing games by himself. Or rather there are consequences for behaviours that hurt others, or put others in danger. And if he breaks something belonging to someone else, he has to give them one of his things. This is working quite well so far…..
when he’s on his own he has safe space to release his frustrations- yelling and weird words. 

I think keep true to your family values but blend this with the reality of a neurodivergent development experience,  Accommodations and supports change with the child. What your child needs now is for now, not forever. He has a particularly great therapist and she reminds me of this…. Often.

I never understood why losing at a game was such a big deal, It's ridiculous if you asked me, To me, it's just a part of growing up. and it's best to teach kids that, rage quitting isn't a nice thing. The sad part is that there are adults that rage at losing a simple game too. So yeah it's a strange situation. 

Great video :) 

Thank you! We do that all the time and he is a lot better now. But he is a perfectionist and cannot stand the idea of not doing things the way he thinks they should b. And when he gets to that stage he loses control. And that is the tricky bit. 

Great advice JuniperfromGallifrey. Thank you. 

Yes, that is what happens! You know exactly what I am talking about. I was in doubt if I had to stop making him play.. I think I won't! Thanks a lot

Something I've done with my son (only 3) when he got frustrated over things he couldn't do is tell him let's try together or try again, and help him succeed in that time. To me, it was important to make him try again as a first step, since he would usually become too frustrated after he failed. Maybe try to take it one step at a time, just to show him sometimes if we try again, we might succeed? 

Ah rage quitting? (when you get so frustrated with a video game you scream at it and turn it off?) is something even well adjusted adults do. its good because it develops patience and tenacity. ... just don't let him play getting over it. lol

Thanks!

My son would be in tears if he lost. Now, I learned from my father to on the occasion allow him to win, but not bend the rules. The problem is, he caught me only once! And then was devastated as well because he did want a real challenge not a false sense of winning. 

While you can give them a hug or express reluctance when playing the winning move or just sit with them for a minute and offer to make a hot chocolate, it's still something they have to go through internally. Ideally, we teach them how to win or lose with dignity by how WE play. And eventually as they grow up, they find what challenges they'd like to take on and over come and which ones they don't feel suited for. My son preferred playing against himself in sport: extreme sports, Judo, skateboarding (even one-player video games). 

Perhaps if he's lost you could then play something he can already do well at. That gives him a sense of a challenge to work toward and a sense that he can possibly accomplish it.

You are right. Losing is part of growing up. Sometimes, though, it feels like there is a wall between us and my words are not registered when I try to console/support him. That is what I find tricky. 

Thank you Peter, such a wise advice. Yes, he is a perfectionist and what you say makes perfect sense. We play table games together or he plays computer games for a short amount of time during the weekend. I do not want him to stop playing but it is difficult when he becomes so miserable. Yes, I cannot shield him all the time. I guess it is only natural he learns from his mistakes and that he doesn't have to stop trying. 

JuniperFromGallifrey Can I ask as a parent, what would be the best way to support a child through his frustration in situations like these?

Hi WorriedM.  My son is 7. 

Oh! I love this. I didn't love the frustration growing up, but not having met with so many doses of it, I wouldn't have worked harder in every conquest. 

Because he's a bit of a perfectionist as many autistic people are. Can I assume we are talking about board / card games? It's like completing the pattern. Suppose I give you numbers with gaps. say 1, 2, _, 8, 16, _, 64, _. And you start to fill in the pattern and so you get 1,2,4,8,16,32,64 ... and then some *** comes in and writes a big letter A or the number 5 or anything other than 128. Can you not see how irritating that is? But in a game trying to meet the win conditions for the game is a bit like trying to complete the pattern, only then someone comes and ends the game before the pattern is complete.

I've said it before but autistic people make very natural problem solvers because we're quite driven to solve problems we care about. How to win a game is one more problem to solve ...

What can you do? Do nothing. Frustration is part of life. He needs to get used to the idea that sometimes you have to keep working hard to win and solve your problems. All you can do is comfort him and remind him he will get better with practice.

Hi,

Not quite there yet, but my son gets frustrated (sometimes more than others) if he can't do something successfully, so I know where you're coming from and how difficult it is to deal with it. How old is your son? It might help to know to be able to tailor a solution for him.