My 13 year old autistic daughter doesn’t trust me.

I have a 13 year old autistic daughter who claims that I don't understand her and now doesn’t trust me anymore to the point that she doesn’t want me in the family home. I believed I had a good relationship with my daughter and whilst I admit I don’t have the same level of understanding or close relationship that she does with her mother I thought we were ok. The other day we had what I thought was a really good talk about the main symptoms of autism and how and if they effected her. The following day I was confronted and told that I didn’t understand her and questioned what I had done to understand autism and why I hadn't done more to understand her so that I could help her more. To be honest similar conversations have happened previously and I have said I will do more to understand her but because I had thought we had been getting on ok I maybe haven’t done as much as I could.  The situation got to such a point that my wife and I were so concerned about her mental health that it was decided I would leave the family home for a few days to allow things to settle down. I am extremely concerned that I have now done so much damage that there is no going back. I have spoken to her on the phone and promised that I will find out more to help her and try to reassure her but now she doesn’t believe me and states that I have said that before but nothing changes. I or my wife don’t seem to be able to reassure or convince her otherwise.  I really don’t know how to come back from this and would appreciate any help and advice from anybody who has experienced a similar situation.

  • Just a thought- could you maybe do some of the reading up on autism together with her? Perhaps books suited to her age that you read together and then further books to read in your own time? So that she sees and experiences your commitment? Maybe she even has some books, blogs, vlogs or videos on YouTube, that she would like you to read or watch and you could do it together?

  • Can you help us understand what she feels you are not understanding?

    Sometimes How we relate to each other can complicate What one is attempting to do/say. There are some basic rules which apply to all relationships (and then some which only apply in the parent-child or some which only apply to marriages, etc.) Context is important.

    As a parent, I am responsible for my children until they can work out how to be a less wobbly adult. That means creating a safe place for them to speak and feel protected (like a plant in a nursery)  so to help them grow into emotionally, psychologically and financially reasonable adults. This takes a good deal of self-awareness, affording Respect and Being dependable to a fault.

    It can take a while to begin to understand what I'm communicating and how my communication is being perceived and then if there is another way to communicate a thing. It can also take a while to begin to understand the fundamentals of building and breaking trust. A quick Google search on how to Break Trust is a good one. Many times it can be broken by quickly dismissing or disregarding another's words rather than asking 'how do you mean' - or asking them to help me understand. It can be broken through manipulation (this is tricky one to properly understand), or controlling, demeaning, belittling, asserting power over another. Parents should be a force to help children feel protected rather than feel oppressed by. 

    But a question that comes to mind is, have you created sensible or reasonable 'game plan' to learn what Autism is? Perhaps one particular item a week. I've personally discovered, Autists contain human traits which worked well in the wild, in early civilisations. For instance, most of us understand how sharp a dogs hearing is and will protect them while fireworks are going off. But do we afford the same protection to Autistic Individuals whose perceptions are just as heightened and strong they can sense a world most NeuroTypicals have the ability to Tune Out? Assume all of her senses, including the sense of emotional feeling is at 100. These are fantastic traits for the safety and survival, just not in modern society. 

    Relationships can be broken and can be mended. I am never too right or too thick to say I'm sorry or How can I help. Openness and Kindness go a long way, especially if one is having difficulty with education. I cannot personally suffer a lack of understanding along with arrogance - worse yet with presumption. But kindness and respect go a long way.

    Perhaps you're already here! You already have all this and what you're dealing with is the complexity of differences between male and female. If you have limits - financial or psychological, it's OK to state them and be vulnerable, and kind. It's important to be responsible with your weaknesses and not use them to manipulate either. I want to --- x. But I'm afraid it will take me some time or I'll just need to save up for that. She needs to understand you're human and learn how to relate as well, it will be good for her future relationships. But that comes after you've proven you are worth trusting. And here again follow-through, dependability, respectfulness these are the first port of call.