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Help with violence against family members

Dave

Hi, we've got a 6 year old son who is in the process of being diagnosed with what we strongly suspect is ASD.  The biggest issue we have right now is when he becomes violent and aggressive towards us and his sister.  This happens during meltdowns but also on other occasions such as simply not getting what he wants can trigger an attack when he was happy up until that point.  An example is that he ask to play football with me when I had finished work for the day and I said I would in 2 minutes as I need to get a drink - that prompted an attack.

It used to only happen at home, but if becoming more frequent when we're out.  It's getting to the point that we simply don't feel that we can all go out together, and can only take our children out separately.

We do our best to reduce his anxiety and keep things calm at home and when we go out, like going to the playground early when there is no-one else there.  But things feel like they are getting worse.

If anyone has any advice with what we can do to help prevent these attacks then it would be very gratefully received.  I understand that the best way is to try and prevent them in the first place, but if he seems happy and then can turn in an instant then it's harder to prevent - we can't always give exactly what he want, when he wants.

Thanks

  • Hello @Dave

    I am sorry to hear that your son has been presenting with some challenging behaviour. I can understand why this must be difficult for you and your family. You might like to have a look at the following pages on behaviour from the NAS which may help you to identify some useful strategies:

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour

    I hope this helps,

    ChloeMod

  • We have had similar issues but seem to have turned a corner, I know it never lasts but it feels like we are making steady progress with a process he’s starting to trust.

    We are really carefully controlling his stress levels, always establishing an escape mechanism then pushing just beyond his comfort zone to make a small achievement then allowing time to re-regulate either reading, tv or a computer game. We also plan lots of regulating time before and after activities depending on intensity. All this is aimed at reducing the meltdowns in the first place.

    I’m beginning to suspect the violent behaviour outside of meltdown was an unpleasant form of stimulation, we are trying to be instructional for his stimulation activity so when we are asked to do something we will say something like “can you play your game whilst I do something else then we can do what you want after”.

    We found reducing all stress reduced tolerances and made things worse so we are now increasing stress in a supportive way which seems to be working.

  • Don't really have an answer except that you need specialist help.

    He must have been really looking forward to playing football and had imagined you would play immediately you got home so it seems like an unexpected change in routine for him.

    Language can be an issue, e.g. was he told you would play with him 'when you get home' and he took it literally? They could have said 'this evening' so not specify an actual time.

    Knowing what to expect reduces stress. Tell them whats going to happen for the whole day, and try to stick to it. If you can't stick to it make sure they known in advance.

    There are lots of techniques using visual cues which help autistic children Knowing what to expect, the SEN at his school may have relevant training, and you may get help with this at diagnosis.

    Try not to get totally thrown by this behaviour letting it ruin your whole day, count to 10 and take deep breaths and try to move on. Does he recover or does it carry on?

    Hope it gets better, you are a great parent playing football with him!

  • Go and seek a professional, their is nothing we can suggest because they could be so many triggers. But fundamentally aggression and violence occurs when your not allowing him his basic needs. trying to control them is going to back fire, but working with them to manage their obsession and sensory needs must be made a priority.

    You need to understand that them having autism should not be used as an excuse to excuse their bad behaviour because you will create the monster you are portraying and people are going to be less empathetic with their difficulties in the future and with other autism spectrum. 

    You need to understand the differences between meltdowns and tantrums. Meltdowns occurs because of over stimulation, under stimulation, anxiety and stress. its occurs because they are overwhelmed and cant think and they go into flight and fight mode which is a defence mechanism the all creatures have.

    Tantrums are used to manipulate other in order to get what they want, autistic children can still have tantrums to get what they want

  • I'm not sure of the scope of the situation, but it sounds like you're trying to be as reasonable as possible Slight smile

    For most adults and neurotypical children they might be more inclined to 'go with the flow'. 

    For children who are ASC (c for 'condition' rather than disabled), one of their stregnths can be spotting detailed inconsistency, incongruity. This is amazing for scientists, physics, coders, legal teams, private detectives. Children who are naturally gifted at noticing a lack of alignment or when something is off will need much more wisdom and patience learning to harness these skills and guidence dealing with inconsistency as for most of us on the Spectrum, it doesn't feel Trust-Worthy or Safe. Ideally, any ground which is unstable/inconsistant is unsafe. Thus, it becomes absolutely imperative as a parent to value becoming dependable to a fault. For instance, if I typically need to wind down after work, creating a habitual practice of structuring exact time to teach my son he can even watch a clock and i will arrive exact as I've said. 

    This may sound a bit over the top, but as humans we all value this to one degree or another. Knowing the train scheule allows for planning the day and financial exchanges around it. Having a world clock in order keeps things running - we know when to take lunch, turn in a proposal and can plan accordingly. 

    With ASC children it's important to do this with aboslutely everything. "We can turn on the tele but you cannot watch the whole programme as we need to leave. Would you still like to watch your show?" Chances are, they won't. or - "When the big hand arrives back at the 12, we will sit at the table to eat. Now, I may not have everything ready, but I'd like you at the table then." One thing that's important here is not only to always give a fair warning, but also to know what my own limits are as a parent. If I cannot commit to a thing exact, I can use phrases such as - "I would like to do ____. But i don't know when that will happen today. Can I let you know when I'm ready?" Include them in your affairs so they know the whole picture. This is going to be how he will learn in school as well, if there is a detail or foundation left out, he will fail. There's little way around this, it's simply How we're Wired.  Whereas NT children can just take pieces as their given even if out of order and slowly understand what's needed.

    All of these practices are things we might do with clients. They are respectful in business - giving a 10 minute warning or double checking on a conference call later that day. And it may seem absurd to treat your child like a client, But! There is never anything wrong with growing as a human and leading by example. Only good things come from making certain my words align with my actions. It can be hard to initially put into practice, but everyone is better for it. At least, this has been my experience. 

    Now there could be other sensory issues he's having problems with - unnatural lighting or frustrating sounds / smells. That would be another conversation! Hope this helps. 

    I do want to add - your son is not violent. He feels attacked or incredibly frustrated and is responding. He feels unsafe and is in survival mode. It's important to understand he's too young to be intentionally violent.