Stressed and upset

I'm not going to lie, we looked at many schools for her to go to and we did look at boarding schools but it seemed too much for her so we are waiting for a place at a school which specializes in autism. Everyone's a mystery!!!

A friend of ours had a similar problem with their autistic son - but the education authority decided to send him away to a boarding school - nowhere to run to.

I'm not for one minute suggesting that you do this - I'm just a bloke off the internet - and young women are a mystery to all men. 

That's true. She's done it in other schools but she'll run away hoping they'll chase her. Is there any chance we can stop this?

But she's still making them jump to her tune - and that power can be quite addictive.

She knows that they're paid to do this and they tell her that they like her (as a student) and that she's amazing and has a pretty smile and they all work really close with her to the point where they can talk about anything, even things she won't talk to me about. She doesn't care that it's their job to keep her safe to be honest. 

Yeah - sounds like she's learning to use her actions for attention - developing control strategies to manipulate people's behaviours.

She probably thinks she is controlling them - not their safety manuals and safeguarding procedures.    She'll be really upset when she works out that they're *paid* to be nice to her and might not even like her.

That's true. Another thing I have found out is that the bench is nearly right outside the head teachers office and near the gate she jumps. She likes the head teacher and wants her attention at times. Is it a possibility that she walks past her office to try get her attention, sit on the bench and keep walking past and if she doesn't get the attention, she jumps the gate where she knows someone will follow her?

It may be triggering all sorts of complicated feelings for her - life is starting to get very complex for her but she probably hasn't sorted out the 'feelings' part of it all yet.

It has been a male teacher the last 2 times, sometimes it's the headteacher (who is a female). She definitely enjoys being around this male teacher. She will have a long conversation with him (longer than the times she talks to me). I believe that she wants his attention at times.

ParentingAutism said:

Her senco is wondering if she likes being followed and having the attention and talking about what she likes, without them being distracted. Therefore, my daughter will leave site and the teacher will need to follow so she's safe...

Are they male teachers?      She could be unconsciously asserting a sort of sexual-testing - making the males run around after her - it might be deeply pleasing for her.     It's not an attraction thing - it's control and flexing of her abilities.

I'm not saying it is - but it's a strong possibility of her asserting dominance.    A very confusing time for her age group.

Plastic said:

In a way, she's short-sightedly but intentionally throwing away her future.

She is definitely. The school wants her to take GCSE's early because she's smart enough to. They have a point reward system for behaviour and she knows that if she doesn't go to lesson, she doesn't get any points but if she does she gets 20/30 points, which is 20/30p. She somehow manages to get more points the days she goes offsite than when she's onsite. It makes no sense. Her senco is wondering if she likes being followed and having the attention and talking about what she likes, without them being distracted. Therefore, my daughter will leave site and the teacher will need to follow so she's safe... It makes no sense. 

I can definitely agree. No one sits there at lunch so I still wonder why she jumped the gate instead. Her senco said about her not being able to move onto something else until work is finished but all her drawing and carvings are completed on the bench. The bench is starting to become an issue now. What happens if it is raining and she can't go out there? What if someone else sits on the bench before her? I definitely see where your coming from... Thanks 

From all of your posts, it seems like your daughter has painted herself into a corner - and all her behaviours follow a growth pattern of avoiding an initial task - and then all the following has become an elongated way of avoiding the initial thing she didn't want to do - and as people try to negotiate with her, she's adding more and more complications to defeat them - she understands their aim is to get her to do the 1st task - so she's making it as complicated as possible for them.

And I think she's getting a deep satisfaction from all the attention and control it gives her.      She knows they can't win - all she needs to do is come up with another wheeze to make them all panic and she gets out of anything she can't be bothered with.     

It's moved on from "don't want to do something" to "I don't need to do anything you want".     That's going to be a difficult habit to break - it gives her everything she thinks she wants.     It sounds like everyone has always been too nice and compliant around her so she's learned to pull their chains with no consequences.

Getting her out of that easily-defended position will be almost impossible until she gets bored with it all.   

In a way, she's short-sightedly but intentionally throwing away her future.

ParentingAutism,

I see it is possibly something to do with the bench you mention, just about everything you're saying connects to returning to and carving this bench.

The bench is at school and she keeps wanting to go to school, possibly because of the bench.

Skipping English lessons to go carve the bench.

Lunch time others may be using the bench so she can't carve it, then as you say, nothing to do.

Some autistic people just can't bear something incomplete, so if she's trying to carve a picture or something into the bench she'll do whatever she has to do to complete it.

The bench sounds very connected to the issue.

Thanks Turtle 

It is natural to be stressed and upset from the view point of what's expected from the herd or majority of kids to conform to the one size fits all approach of the current education system we have not changed much since wartime ( WWII ).

Kids on the spectrum have NEVER fitted in to this approach of ' education ' and many others if truthful will admit this. You see, rigid systems for humans or any other species on this planet does not work and never will work. We are fully alive and naturally programmed to resist rigid, imposed systems of control in any way. Our basic instinct is freedom, to be free to be our natural selves. This is true to all life on earth if you consider it. 

For those of us who are more sensitive, autistic or with other gifts, this world and all of it's man-made systems can seem absurd, restrictive, very much oppressive and overwhelming. There is nothing wrong with these people at all. What's wrong is the absurd and utterly crazy world we have created and more and more of us will come to point this out. It is nothing you can stop. Only the core issues must be addressed. We need radical reform.

The educational/political approach so far has been to keep this quiet by trying and failing in keeping the current system in place at all costs whilst offering crumbs to accommodating the educational needs of a growing number of kids who don't recognise this system as even halfway to anything they can accept as a necessary education or cope with it. 

It is wholly and inadequately out of date for all involved. The teachers, the children, the parents, society. 

The very least, we need another Educational Reform Act. We have never had one of any significance sine The 1944  Butler Act. We need a much bigger in scope and a whole new approach to education for this modern world and not a single politician should be involved in it. The new act should come from the parents, children and teachers and people like Sir Ken Robinson who have studied these areas most of their lives. 

Does she like to be followed by teachers? Does she like the attention? She gets chocolate (from her senco) and things she likes when she's not in lessons. Is she struggling with the work? She's not good at communicating her problems/issues. I just don't know what to do. I have lots of questions buzzing round my head...