Published on 12, July, 2020
My 14 y.o daughter walked out of school earlier today. She is in a PRU so there's not many children (around 20 max).
I had a phone call from school telling me she has left school grounds. Her behaviour is deteriorating as well.
I have figured out the problem but I'm not sure how to help her. She is verbal and told me this herself. ' I don't like Project because there are 5 different teachers teaching us, they are doing things differently and doing different things in it and I have it like 10 times a week.'
She doesn't like project which I can understand. Teachers are aware of the problem and try everything to get her into the lesson (she keeps walking out or just doesn't go). The past 2 weeks, this particular lesson has affected her other lessons because today for example, her first 2 lessons were fine, then she had Project and didn't go, then had English (one of her favourites) and didn't go since she wanted to go home. She leaves at lunch which was 15 minutes away but she climbed over the gate and left. (Her teacher followed her a bit and stayed a distance away and during school she is never left alone).
She is very stressed and when I picked her up she was in tears and told me she was sorry for leaving and wanted to stop going to school altogether...
Anyways... I don't know how to help her since she wants to go to school but doesn't want to do the lesson. But if she doesn't do the lesson her timetable will be messed up so she's even more stressed about that... I keep reassuring her but I don't know how to make school better for her...
Any help, advice, ideas is very much appreciated. I'm sorry for ranting on. Thanks x
From her point of you it sounds a nightmare , PRU aren't autistic friendly . She needs a proper placement ,with properly trained staff.
may i ask what project is ?
Project is basically like history and they learn about the past and make things. This school have a few people with autism in and in my opinion they are pretty good with it and have good training.
With all respect your daughter is jumping over the gate and in tears. Would the school let her skip this lesson .?
My 14 year old is like that glued to my arm when out ,she is really sensory ,sound ,smell ,light ,touch . She says she wants to live in a house in the garden when older . will probably try to get her in a private school ,if we can find a good one, when she is ready.
I gravitated towards the losers in school, but still had an air of respectability towards the normal kids. Now, in my adult years, I feel that I have the best of both worlds.
I'm working with the teachers with messages about how her day was. And I'm listening to what my daughter would like and following my gut at the same time...
Its very hard coping, not knowing what to do for the best ,do you listen to the "experts " or not ,do you follow your gut feeling ,is it your fault [which it isn't] .
But if she is getting worse and things are going down hill ,you need to change the direction and create the right environment for her ,whether she stays there,moves school ,or home school. She is her ,you can't change that.
That's great that you're all still friends
I created a huge extrovert fake persona (my mask) in my teens so I attracted all the other nerdy aspies - we were all undiagnosed (it was the late 70s) but we fitted well together - I'm still friends with all of them over 40 years later and we all meet up once a year at Christmas.
That is definitely true. She does seem to be herself most of the time since she has another 2 people her age with autism in her class with her so they all feel comfortable together even though they are different obviously.
We are waiting a place at another school but this school is fine for her altogether at the moment.... She sees her 1 lesson on a Monday but otherwise she always get checked up on by her and her office is always open and it's opposite my daughters room luckily. But I agree it's not the place for her but they do have many special needs students so they have experience and are amazing, supportive and helpful with her.
mael said:if she was in the right environment she would thrive and be able to be herself
Absolutely - we're only 'autistic' when we're around NTs.
sendco once a week ,is that one hour a week ?..
they will do the minimum they can ,she obviously needs a lot more help .
Sorry i have been through all this so many times .
I see it this way ,there is nothing wrong with your daughter , if she was in the right environment she would thrive and be able to be herself ,A PRU is not the right place for her .
That's amazing!
Awesome - my daughter is 22 and has graduated uni - and she still likes to reach for my hand in crowded places.
Yes, and we are all grateful for that since last year there was no way she would stay in the house or school on a bad day. Even running away, so everything we have done and she hs done as a family to help her(self) has worked really well.
Sounds like she trusts you and can use you as a portable safe-space.
I have to admit, she used to go to this school before being home schooled but has now gone back obviously. She used to be a lot worse but now has some coping mechanisms but when it gets too much (or when she has Project lesson) she can't process or think properly in my eyes. She is very bright and can do the work and some has been to easy. She does know right and wrong and was very apologetic when I picked up from down the road from the school.
I have noticed she is a lot happier in herself (she's had a traumatic past) and she knows I'm there for her and knows I'm always on the end of the phone if she needs me during school.
Today, I used a different method to calm her down and she went from tears and overload to no tears and being exhausted but happier. I think she also now knows I understand her a lot better which helps her a lot and when we got back home she chilled out in her bedroom and then took the dog out with me. She has improved a lot ever since last year..
ParentingAutism said:swearing at the teacher
That's total overload - and right on the very edge of fight or flight - neither are allowed and are wrong - but she's on the edge of blowing up - when all rules are garbage, there are no rules!
It sounds like she's bright enough to do the work and clearly knows right and wrong but she doesn't have any coping mechanisms yet.
Something we worked very hard with our daughter was providing safety nets for all actions - default actions to get to a lower stress mode - worst case scenario would be "call me - I will come for you" to take her to safety - and knowing that, she was prepared to push herself into as much anxiety as she could manage - we made sure there was a defrag period when she got home to untangle her brain in the evening.
Yes, I understand that. Is that why she will say 'no' for going to class because of the anxiety and trying to behave. I can see where you are coming from. Ever since this lesson has changed, she has been getting worse. She was also swearing at the teacher since she was overwhelmed but how do I stop that?
ParentingAutism said:she isn't in the mood for class,
That will be when she's unable to push past the anxiety to do 'what people expect of her' and that includes yourself, the teachers and society - she's fighting all the logic telling her to walk away - but again, trying to 'be good' and not shout and scream and run away to the safe place.