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12 year old son's behaviours

busy

Hi I am new here, but am keen to get some advice  / feedback about my son who is 'on the spectrum.' He is 12, very sweet natured and is high functioning - in mainstream school with 25 hours per week support - and clearly has learning difficulties alongisde the ASD, as he has problems accesing the curriculum. He still sucks his thumb when he is at home, (he has the sense not to do this at school). He mostly dislikes school, but tolerates it and has made some connections with other, similar boys. My main issue is that during evening and weekends, he doesn't see why he should leave the house at all, and would much rather stay home (preferably in his pj's and dressing gown) watching TV, playing on the laptop (minecraft) or doing his puzzles. If we have to go out it is a real struggle to get him motivated to get dressed and out of the front door. He will complain and physically lean his body weight onto my husband and I for much of the time whilst we are out. I am uncertain as to whether this is an 'Autism' thing or part of his personality. Does anyone else have similar problems?

Additionally, my husband does not react well to my son. He often shouts and tells him off for sucking his thumb, sometimes slapping him or pushing him around. This upsets me as I am obviously protective over our vulnerable son. My husband calls him lazy and I feel that most interactions between them are negative. These situations often occur in front of my two other (younger) sons, and they will sometimes proceed to join in, (jumping on the band wagon), trying to get my autistic son into trouble with his dad, and so the situation worsens.

I have tried talking to my husband and explaining that our son's condition can lead to this sort of behaviour, etc, but he just says I am criticising him / calling him a bad father. Our son was diagnosed between the ages of 2 and 4 and I feel that maybe husband has never really accepted this, which is why he makes no allowances. Additionally, I do all the school co-ordinating, meetings etc alone and sometimes feel overwhelmed with it all.  I want to help improve their relationship and any tips would be much appreciated. 

Thank you!

  • My twelve year old son has Asperger’s along with a few other colourful little things to boot.  Apparently,  Dyspraxia often accompanies ASD (so my OT says) which my son also has and he’ll do exactly the same as yours in terms of leaning against any bit of furniture, lying on anything that’ll support his body weight and detesting the mere thought of having to go out.  His muscle strength, tone, stamina, posture, balance, co-ordination etc is very poor and it takes an incredible amount of energy just for him to do even the simplest of physical tasks.   Daft as it sounds, even sitting and doing written work wears him out easily because his posture is so bad, he’s tensed the whole time trying to stay upright!

    We strike little deals with him in that if he agrees to come out for a half hour gentle walk with the dog or spends a certain amount of time doing something physical each day, he can chill out and play Minecraft until the cows come home but he cannot just fester and play games all day.  Left to his own devices he’d never shower or leave the house and would just eat himself into oblivion in between Minecraft.  

    It is frustrating when you’re having to battle just to get him to go to the shop with endless questions every time without fail (“Which shop are we going to?  What are you buying?  How long will be and what time are we going to get back?”)

    For my son, it’s best to get him up and at ‘em earlier on in the morning.  After lunchtime he’s neither use nor ornament so whatever we do to keep him active is done first thing. Smile

  • hi Busy - good luck with the course and everything else.  I hope things start improving soon.  Thanks for appreciating my honesty - I was concerned I had been too blunt!  He's got a good mum.  bw

  • Thank you for your thoughts and feedback.

    Quite often we go out to places my son doesn't want to visit, like the park, or swimming, etc but then again he only enjoys being at home. From the peoples' replies here I am beginning to understand a lot more about why he is happiest at home, and we should respect this happiness - as his mum I often worry that he isn't getting enough out of life and this forum has reminded me that we must accept him and his way of looking at the world. I am booking myself on a course with our local Autistic Trust (which we are every lucky to have in our area) next week, and will discuss with my husband about going on another which runs in April. I will make a point of speaking with some professionals whilst I am at the workshop, more specifically about the relationship between them.

    I am so grateful for your honesty - this has given me the kick up the bum I needed!

  • Thanks so much for sharing Katie - your comments are extremely valuable and I will definitely speak to my husband again.

    Best wishes

  • hi busy - Kalojaro's comments are valid.  We all need time to "recharge".  Weekends are sometimes the way we can do this, in our own way.  When your son has to go out with you on a wkend, where do you go?  Is it something he enjoys?   From what you say it doesn't sound like it.  This will add to all the stresses he's experienced during the wk at school, etc.   There are a number of posts here relating to how dads don't or won't appreciate how autism affects their child.  Sounds like your husband's in that category + is passing on his attitude to the other 2.  This will lead to problems, not just in the present but later on.  I've heard of a number of children/adults with autism who react negatively to male authority figures because of past events.  8 yrs since diagnosis is a long time to keep on rejecting that diagnosis.  Your husband will have a big influence on the whole household.  You are trying your best to mediate between him, the other 2 + your son with autism.  This will be very stressful + upsetting for you.  You + your son with autism need support/understanding from the rest of the immediate family.  Some people refuse to accept their child has this diagnosis and/or don't bother to learn about autism.  They carry on relating to their child as if they were neurotypical.  This is a waste of everyone's time (at best).  Sometimes such people are more influenced by listing to "professionals" than they are to a partner.  Unfortunately you say he doesn't participate with things related to autism.  The slapping + pushing is abuse.  He's taking his anger out on him + is unacceptable.  I keep thinking how unhappy all this must be for the 2 of you.  He's also showing the other 2 by example that this sort of behaviour is somehow acceptable.  It's not on.  I don't have any answers that will make things change quickly but you must stand your ground for your son's sake.  Sounds like you've all he's got.  Perhaps you could talk to professionals about ways of behaviour within the family setting that would be positive and reap results for your son + therefore everybody else?  If they were willing to put it in writing then you cd show your husband/sons or just leave a copy lying around in the hope they picked it up + took notice.  Finally + this really is just me, but I'd have completely lost my temper with them by now + have told them so in no uncertain terms.  I know that can make things worse, but sometimes it's the only way or things just keep repeating themselves.  There is so much in your letter that shouldn't have to be tolerated.  bw

  • Hi Busy,

    I'm on the spectrum too. Aspergers Syndrome. Going to school and high school was mentally and physically exhausting for me, even now at Uni I have to take the weekend off doing 'nothing' (playing games online and watching tv) just to regain enough energy to make it through the week. This is pretty common in most kids with autism, because of the mental strain of 'blending in' and following the 'social rules'.

    You need to make it clear to your husband that your sons autistic behaviour has NOTHING to do with him or his parenting. In fact, what hes doing will only make your sons symptoms worse, as your son grows older, he could develop painful habits to cope with the stress of being yelled at/pushed around and generally being mentally and emotionally bullied for such a long time, and by someone who we're told from birth that we're meant to be able to trust. This stress can manifest into servere OCD, or worse, physically, such as a stomach ulcer, or even allopecia (which I suffer from, its hair loss, and theres no guarantee it'll grow back).

    Hope things work out,

    Katie