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12 year old son's behaviours

busy

Hi I am new here, but am keen to get some advice  / feedback about my son who is 'on the spectrum.' He is 12, very sweet natured and is high functioning - in mainstream school with 25 hours per week support - and clearly has learning difficulties alongisde the ASD, as he has problems accesing the curriculum. He still sucks his thumb when he is at home, (he has the sense not to do this at school). He mostly dislikes school, but tolerates it and has made some connections with other, similar boys. My main issue is that during evening and weekends, he doesn't see why he should leave the house at all, and would much rather stay home (preferably in his pj's and dressing gown) watching TV, playing on the laptop (minecraft) or doing his puzzles. If we have to go out it is a real struggle to get him motivated to get dressed and out of the front door. He will complain and physically lean his body weight onto my husband and I for much of the time whilst we are out. I am uncertain as to whether this is an 'Autism' thing or part of his personality. Does anyone else have similar problems?

Additionally, my husband does not react well to my son. He often shouts and tells him off for sucking his thumb, sometimes slapping him or pushing him around. This upsets me as I am obviously protective over our vulnerable son. My husband calls him lazy and I feel that most interactions between them are negative. These situations often occur in front of my two other (younger) sons, and they will sometimes proceed to join in, (jumping on the band wagon), trying to get my autistic son into trouble with his dad, and so the situation worsens.

I have tried talking to my husband and explaining that our son's condition can lead to this sort of behaviour, etc, but he just says I am criticising him / calling him a bad father. Our son was diagnosed between the ages of 2 and 4 and I feel that maybe husband has never really accepted this, which is why he makes no allowances. Additionally, I do all the school co-ordinating, meetings etc alone and sometimes feel overwhelmed with it all.  I want to help improve their relationship and any tips would be much appreciated. 

Thank you!

Parents

  • hi busy - Kalojaro's comments are valid.  We all need time to "recharge".  Weekends are sometimes the way we can do this, in our own way.  When your son has to go out with you on a wkend, where do you go?  Is it something he enjoys?   From what you say it doesn't sound like it.  This will add to all the stresses he's experienced during the wk at school, etc.   There are a number of posts here relating to how dads don't or won't appreciate how autism affects their child.  Sounds like your husband's in that category + is passing on his attitude to the other 2.  This will lead to problems, not just in the present but later on.  I've heard of a number of children/adults with autism who react negatively to male authority figures because of past events.  8 yrs since diagnosis is a long time to keep on rejecting that diagnosis.  Your husband will have a big influence on the whole household.  You are trying your best to mediate between him, the other 2 + your son with autism.  This will be very stressful + upsetting for you.  You + your son with autism need support/understanding from the rest of the immediate family.  Some people refuse to accept their child has this diagnosis and/or don't bother to learn about autism.  They carry on relating to their child as if they were neurotypical.  This is a waste of everyone's time (at best).  Sometimes such people are more influenced by listing to "professionals" than they are to a partner.  Unfortunately you say he doesn't participate with things related to autism.  The slapping + pushing is abuse.  He's taking his anger out on him + is unacceptable.  I keep thinking how unhappy all this must be for the 2 of you.  He's also showing the other 2 by example that this sort of behaviour is somehow acceptable.  It's not on.  I don't have any answers that will make things change quickly but you must stand your ground for your son's sake.  Sounds like you've all he's got.  Perhaps you could talk to professionals about ways of behaviour within the family setting that would be positive and reap results for your son + therefore everybody else?  If they were willing to put it in writing then you cd show your husband/sons or just leave a copy lying around in the hope they picked it up + took notice.  Finally + this really is just me, but I'd have completely lost my temper with them by now + have told them so in no uncertain terms.  I know that can make things worse, but sometimes it's the only way or things just keep repeating themselves.  There is so much in your letter that shouldn't have to be tolerated.  bw

Reply

  • hi busy - Kalojaro's comments are valid.  We all need time to "recharge".  Weekends are sometimes the way we can do this, in our own way.  When your son has to go out with you on a wkend, where do you go?  Is it something he enjoys?   From what you say it doesn't sound like it.  This will add to all the stresses he's experienced during the wk at school, etc.   There are a number of posts here relating to how dads don't or won't appreciate how autism affects their child.  Sounds like your husband's in that category + is passing on his attitude to the other 2.  This will lead to problems, not just in the present but later on.  I've heard of a number of children/adults with autism who react negatively to male authority figures because of past events.  8 yrs since diagnosis is a long time to keep on rejecting that diagnosis.  Your husband will have a big influence on the whole household.  You are trying your best to mediate between him, the other 2 + your son with autism.  This will be very stressful + upsetting for you.  You + your son with autism need support/understanding from the rest of the immediate family.  Some people refuse to accept their child has this diagnosis and/or don't bother to learn about autism.  They carry on relating to their child as if they were neurotypical.  This is a waste of everyone's time (at best).  Sometimes such people are more influenced by listing to "professionals" than they are to a partner.  Unfortunately you say he doesn't participate with things related to autism.  The slapping + pushing is abuse.  He's taking his anger out on him + is unacceptable.  I keep thinking how unhappy all this must be for the 2 of you.  He's also showing the other 2 by example that this sort of behaviour is somehow acceptable.  It's not on.  I don't have any answers that will make things change quickly but you must stand your ground for your son's sake.  Sounds like you've all he's got.  Perhaps you could talk to professionals about ways of behaviour within the family setting that would be positive and reap results for your son + therefore everybody else?  If they were willing to put it in writing then you cd show your husband/sons or just leave a copy lying around in the hope they picked it up + took notice.  Finally + this really is just me, but I'd have completely lost my temper with them by now + have told them so in no uncertain terms.  I know that can make things worse, but sometimes it's the only way or things just keep repeating themselves.  There is so much in your letter that shouldn't have to be tolerated.  bw

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