Son diagnosed does not want to share

Sorry I’ve taken so long to reply I had trouble logging in to the site.  These are great suggestions, it’s back to school this week although not all the kids will go in because of COVID restrictions he is going to go to school (I am a key worker) as the structure is better than him making sense of and trying to complete school work in the house. I will speak to his SENDCO about a homework plan now he is diagnosed as we only found out at the end of last term.  I will look at the links you have sent. Thanks

With-a-Y said:

Homework that is regular, same day, same amount of time to complete each week is fine

Yes - total predictability - I'd have a chat with the school about that - any randomness will mess him up because it impacts upon everything else - the more things in his life that you can make predictable and reliable, the more brain capacity he will have available to cope with minor changes during the day.

If you look forward to possible career paths, he'll probably fit in better with engineering, sciences and computers - an office 9-5 will be a social nightmare for him.       There's  things you can do now to help him in that direction - things like Arduino or Raspberry Pi -  https://www.amazon.co.uk/Arduino-Starter-beginner-K000007-projects/dp/B009UKZV0A    cheap mini computers that can be interfaced with Technical Lego that are simple to programme - and solve problems -  it opens doors into the whole computing field and also look at small, cheap technical musical instruments - they are nerdy but 'cool' so it opens up an on-line forum and meeting local music makers - have a look at the Volca range from Korg   https://www.korg-volca.com/en/   and see some of the youtubes for inspiration - he might find them fascinating - and a bit more grown up than just gaming.    It opens the door to the music/entertainment industry via the back door - engineering and computer interfaces.

There are things called PLCs - computers that run factories - quite a niche area and the leap to programme these is only a small step above the basic computing he can pick up from all the above suggestions - and there's money to be made......

He has been masking in school and  displaying such a response following school,  so homework just ends him. Homework that is regular, same day, same amount of time to complete each week is fine but otherwise it’s too much for him.  He was a beaver and a cub then gave it up after his friends left. He has shown interest in rejoining scouts but with Covid restrictions,  joining up has not happened, will try again New Year.  His interests are gaming, YouTube and Lego, he quite likes to be in his room on his own or online gaming, mostly his online game friends are younger, I think his difference has affected friendships in last couple of years. Thank you , your words are so appreciated. 

There's a few other things you can do  to help - Scouts of Air Cadets etc. - highly controlled, activity driven short social interactions - a couple of hours per week - working as teams with a different set of kids - also, because they *choose* to go along, they tend to be 'nice' kids.

Also - he will likely be masking like crazy at school - this is stressful and hard work so when he gets home, his brain will be fried - he will need a lot of care during that period to calm down and de-frag his mind - so don't apply random pressure or random rules - find out what he needs to relax - video games, Lego, RC planes or just being taken out to museums - what hobbies does he have?   It will be important to him to feel supported and safe.

This is really useful advice especially about all the different versions of people in social situations. This is a tricky life lesson without autism so I will certainly follow this advice for my sons sake. 

Thank you. I appreciate the time you have taken to reply and the book recommendations. Many thanks

I didn't think to say that my mother tried telling me about my diagnosis when I was about 10 or 11. It didn't make sense to me because I hadn't recognised my problems came from me being different. I struggled with a lot, inc school, scholol kids, people, but to me the problem seemed to be with them. I don't think I'd have wanted people to know either, I was struggling as it was without being marked out as different, although of course that could have helped.

It sounds like your son is very self-aware and he realises that he's different - and he may have witnessed how badly 'different' people are treated by everyone - including those trying to help them.

He'll need some time to work out what this means and if he can trust anyone around him with the information - unfortunately, one of our glaring weaknesses is not knowing how people think and how they will react to us.

As a parent, you can help him by being clear and concise - and also explaining social situations - teach him the politics and the power games people play - leaders, followers, bullies, manipulators - fill in his blanks so he's got some clues about how kids change during puberty and how the social game might change.

I'm a twin so I had a working version of myself to study and copy to fit in - I deliberately developed a big personality so I could be different and proud of it - it deterred most of the bullies and actually got me a long way in life being able to bluff and play the game when needed.

I've found I gravitate to other aspies - they are so much more interesting people as they get older - lots of interesting hobbies and knowledge.

As an adult who self diagnosed and then got told by my family I'd had a clinical disgnosis as a child it took me a few weeks to digest the idea before I wanted to tell anyone. He may need some time too.

Reading the books All Cats have Autism and Inside Autism Looking Out with him are good ways to open up talking about it more and getting used to it as being his normal.