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Son diagnosed does not want to share

With-a-Y

I expect many of you will have some knowledge or experience. My 11 year old was diagnosed last week, afterwards I suggested he speak with his Dad to let him know how the appointment went and my son asked me to keep it between the two of us. He agreed I could tell his school SENDCO but nobody else in the family.  I would like the benefit of peoples experience here as I do not want to break his trust yet important people in our lives and my son will benefit from them knowing how to relate to him. I’ve broached telling Grandparents and friends again however the request to keep to ourselves is the same. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated. 

thank you 

Parents

  • It sounds like your son is very self-aware and he realises that he's different - and he may have witnessed how badly 'different' people are treated by everyone - including those trying to help them.

    He'll need some time to work out what this means and if he can trust anyone around him with the information - unfortunately, one of our glaring weaknesses is not knowing how people think and how they will react to us.

    As a parent, you can help him by being clear and concise - and also explaining social situations - teach him the politics and the power games people play - leaders, followers, bullies, manipulators - fill in his blanks so he's got some clues about how kids change during puberty and how the social game might change.

    I'm a twin so I had a working version of myself to study and copy to fit in - I deliberately developed a big personality so I could be different and proud of it - it deterred most of the bullies and actually got me a long way in life being able to bluff and play the game when needed.

    I've found I gravitate to other aspies - they are so much more interesting people as they get older - lots of interesting hobbies and knowledge.

  • in reply to Plastic

    This is really useful advice especially about all the different versions of people in social situations. This is a tricky life lesson without autism so I will certainly follow this advice for my sons sake. 

  • in reply to With-a-Y

    There's a few other things you can do  to help - Scouts of Air Cadets etc. - highly controlled, activity driven short social interactions - a couple of hours per week - working as teams with a different set of kids - also, because they *choose* to go along, they tend to be 'nice' kids.

    Also - he will likely be masking like crazy at school - this is stressful and hard work so when he gets home, his brain will be fried - he will need a lot of care during that period to calm down and de-frag his mind - so don't apply random pressure or random rules - find out what he needs to relax - video games, Lego, RC planes or just being taken out to museums - what hobbies does he have?   It will be important to him to feel supported and safe.

  • in reply to Plastic

    Sorry I’ve taken so long to reply I had trouble logging in to the site.  These are great suggestions, it’s back to school this week although not all the kids will go in because of COVID restrictions he is going to go to school (I am a key worker) as the structure is better than him making sense of and trying to complete school work in the house. I will speak to his SENDCO about a homework plan now he is diagnosed as we only found out at the end of last term.  I will look at the links you have sent. Thanks

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  • in reply to Plastic

    Sorry I’ve taken so long to reply I had trouble logging in to the site.  These are great suggestions, it’s back to school this week although not all the kids will go in because of COVID restrictions he is going to go to school (I am a key worker) as the structure is better than him making sense of and trying to complete school work in the house. I will speak to his SENDCO about a homework plan now he is diagnosed as we only found out at the end of last term.  I will look at the links you have sent. Thanks

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