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BAD PARENTS

hohner

I have Autism(aspergers) and part of that condition is a co-dependance at my parents home, for company, food and a place to go.

However, there is the problem,, my step-father is an adonis abusive alcoholic, my mother is an anxiety ridden housebound semi-alcoholic who is co-dependant on my step-father. My mother is in denial and sick and has no cognitive energy left, my step-father has a sickness and is in this own sick world, lashing out and not caring.

My Autism does not even get acknowledged in there minds, they are not real parents, never have been.

I reason,  I write this is because I have a catch 22,, I need to go were I find the environment familar but the environment is not good for me. I'll give you a few examples, on my step-fathers behaviours just to release stress if anything;

He walks about nude, walks outside in the morning in this pants to put out the bin, boils vinegar in pots, masterbates in front of mirrors, likes to scare people by leaving the toilet door open, keeps this room door ajar so you can see him naked, sprays perfumes, deodorant until you can not breathe, drinks whiskey none stop hidding it in glasses of milk, huffs, puffs and signs continuously. Sits with his legs open with a dress gown so you can see this genitals, has photos of himself naked with erections on this bedroom walls, takes secret film and camera pictures of the family..... I could go on and on,,, he is one sick ***, who does not talk normal to anyone(unless it is a stranger and he pretends), in the house just shouts out negative comments at the smallest behaviour of others,, HE IS AN ABUSER.  He works as a security guard and was an ex-policeman.

With my Autism, I have a total phobia of this guy, so why is he in my life and my mothers life. With my Autism I can not leave the environment, my mother has been covering up his behaviours for the last 35 years so, she is in denial and a fantasy protection mode, she has not been able to leave the house for the last 10 years and now can not leave the house but says it is her choice, so he supplies her with a co-dependant relationship, ie fags, booze, food, money. But the whole house is in state of disharmony and always has been.

There behaviours are getting more extreme now(both in the 60's), my mum trying to kill herself this year and left a note saying no one was to go to her funeral. My mother has a total mask on and will not listen want anyone has to say for her welfare, she gets and angry and uses it as an excuse to drink more. She is in her own trap of distruction which there is no way out off. Do the authorities care, as it is family contained.

For me with my autism it is getting harder and harder in this environment, it always has been,, but my mother does not acknowledge my autism, my pain or the downbringing I have had. She does not even acknowledge her own pain, she see's her self as some sort of strong person, were in fact,, she is an alcoholic anxiety house bound ridden old woman living with an abuser.

I have tried to speak to her GP, can't directly due to autism, but by letter, but they make no response to me. But the reality is,,, they see no problem in situtation. The family members have been made powerless, scared off him and loyalty of silence for her.

This post is more of release for me,, my aspergers mind is always looking for a social solution so I can get peace and harmony, but the world does not work like that, it just covers up problems and waits until it is critical management.

Thanks for reading

 

 

 

 

 

 

  • Hi there -- you've already taken the first step towards changing your situation, which is talking about it here. I'll bet that hasn't been easy!

    Please don't assume social services only deal with emergencies. The NHS is a bit of a different matter -- if an adult says they don't want help they cannot be forced to accept medical care unless they are judged to be a risk to self or others, and sometimes the health service gets this wrong, especially when people try to cover up their problems.

    If you are willing to say where you are located, I'll bet one of us might be able to identify who you could speak with to take the next step. Because of your diagnosis, you are classed as a "vulnerable adult" (even though many people with AS would probably resent being seen in that way) and there may be a team locally who can help. Ideally you can find one person who you can communicate with and who takes things seriously.

    And of course the thinking about what kind of future you really want part doesn't require speaking with anyone or leaving home. You could just start a file on your computer (name it something innocuous if your family snoops in your private business) or a couple sheets of paper hidden away somewhere safe.

    I do understand what you're saying about how hard it is to get started (some people with autism who I know call this "inertia" and it is probably related to problems with executive functioning -- it's hard to see how a small step today can build into the future you want.) This is why you could really use some help from a "key worker" or advisor, someone who can help you come up with a gradual plan so it's not a huge change all at once, just small manageable things you can handle with a bt of effort and enough time to get used to them.

    Do talk to other autistic adults online too - ask them how they did it and you will get some good info I think!

  • Thank you Sharon for the e-mail,, that maybe possible to do when I have less fear,, but I do have a fear of strangers, so I feel I am caught between two hard rocks,, HERE and out THERE. And I will feel this will all come back on me with a knock on effect if the ball starts rolling(the world around me will change to fast, and that is what I do not cope with)., I will be hurt by the reactions of others due to the embarrassment I have cause them. So it is a no win situation, with my autism I am over effected either way. So I just grin and bear it.

  • Hi Hohner

    So, I presume you're saying that you'd find it virtually impossible to talk to a stranger on the phone to talk this all through with. Perhaps one of the organisations that provide helplines also provide email service. I've just looked up the Samaritans and they provide this and I think you can talk to them about any issues. So, how about emailing them and telling them everything you've told us and see what they suggest - you just email jo@samaritans.org 

    Sharon

  • Thanks for the nice and good advice replies, but with Autism it makes the situation very complex, simple decisions like too, leave, talk to a professional, make a new life, talk to someone, are all good on paper. I know most of the solutions already, but with a lack of volition due to my Autism especially with the new social interaction with AN OUTSIDER, the trust issue is there and I get scared that I will get cognitively overwhelmed, and also the fact that my environment will change about me and how it will change I do not know, so it is like jumping of a cognitive cliff without a parachute. My Autism by its very condition freezes me to act, always has.

    The whole system in the UK, just works under a critical resource management system this situation would be defined as a family matter contained is only addressed when it becomes an emergency. Take my mum, I phoned the ambulance,, they took her to hospital overnight and then in the morning she said to psychritatic nurses "I am fine". There was no follow up by the hospital or the GP's, because she is hidding her condition and living conditions from the professionals because she has a form of social embarrassment, and we all live within this taught wall of silence and pretending. So in a way my mother is a protector of abuser and thus party to the abuse, to herself and others. Her perfectly made storm, it is as if she brought this guy into the family life for her benefit and our abuse. That is a sick mother. She does nothing about it, she complains constant but if you say anything to help her,, I get the response "Don't be silly". She wishes me to stay in cognitive child mode and just agree and do everything she says. If I say more, say goes all defensive and then angry(rises tone, which scare me), then goes sad, then the step-father uses this moment to come in and shout at me for upsetting her. So I backdown under threat and emotional manipulation, so I am caught between two bad parents.

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • I agree with you that the behaviour you are experiencing is abusive (indeed the legal description of sexual abuse includes indecent exposure -- I'm not saying that anytime a parent or flatmate walks to the loo in their pants that's indecent exposure[!] but what you're describing is beyond the pale, aggressively nasty, and clearly is disturbing for you.) At your age you shouldn't be ordered around like a child either.

    You do have options, and I would urge you to spend some time envisioning what a better life for you would look like. It is possible to live independently and have basic stability, in fact I think you will feel more secure when you have more control over your environment and feel safer). I would urge you to join some of the online groups for adults with AS and see if there are others you can talk to about moving out and moving on. You might feel more comfortable in a group home situation where there is staff to help, but this is a level of help most folk with AS really don't need unless they have additional difficulties. Imagine your "ideal" adult life and then imagine what the first steps on the way to it would be, i.e. the "ideal" might be a nice flat and a job, the first steps might be a rented room or bedsit and exploring the possibilities of further education or work.

    You could contact your local adult social services department and discuss the situation and your options. You can ask for a social care evaluation, which could give you the help you'll need to fill out forms, find out about benefits, housing and so on. It would be helpful to talk to an advocate or friend, even an online one, first because it's a big step but you know in your heart that it's time. How awful would it be if your mother was "successful" at suicide and you found yourself stuck in the house with this guy?! You getting away could even be the start of her finding her own way out, in case you are worried that she needs you there to protect her.

  • That is such a difficult situation you are in. I think ultimately you do need to live elsewhere and create a new familiar environment for yourself ... But how you should go about this I'm not sure. I think you may have to go through some difficult times first to try to get away from this environment you are in, but think  about the long term, it will be better for your future.

    I wonder whether there are any helplines you can call to discuss your situation - e.g. NAS or Young Minds or Samaritans. I don't know how old you are but there is free youth counselling for under 25s in most areas - your GP surgery should be able to give you the number to call or you might be able to find it online and then you give them your details and they'll tell you if there's a waiting list and then at some point somebody will get in touch with you. Is their NAS befriending in your area? Maybe this would help you.

    Do you have any friends that you can talk to about this?

    Do you know whether your mum really wants to live with this man, is she just too scared to do anything about it? Does your mum have a relative or friend that maybe you could get in touch with so that they can talk to her and try to reason with her about the environment you are both living in.

    Sharon

  • I think you need to seek professional help in this, hohner.

    My gut is screaming to tell you to get the hell out of there, but, at the same time I can understand your need for the familar, and I think seperating yourself from them completely would be bad (and probably bad for both you and your mother).

    I'm not at all sure to whom you should turn, though, but I would try starting by talking to your GP.

    Do you have another relative that understands the situation and in whom you trust?

    Perhaps talk to them, ask them to accompany you to see your GP, if you do.

  • The thing that really screws my mind up,, is they give commands to me,, over the slightest thing,, like make sure you wash the teaspoon after making a cup of tea,, then there whole behaviour is mostly ABNORMAL.., I have real difficults with this... maybe this formed my autism ? The polar mind signal messaging they are giving is a mind **** to me.