Striving for a 'normal bedtime routine" leads to sadness.

My 4 year old son is due to begin school next week. My son has had difficulty in falling asleep quickly until I recall. He finds comfort in finally falling asleep acknowledging I'm in the room and seeks comfort in his tommee tippee milk bottle and soft towel by his side.

I have set a goal to attempt to teach him to go to sleep without me being in the room but its been horrendous and I've been left feeling defeated, exhausted, guilty and sad and end up staying in the room until he gradually drifts. I also wanted to stop the bottle but he has a very poor appetite and i don't know where to start with that one. I feel like I may be setting my goals too high and feel it may be unfair. 

Especially because tonight I attempted putting him in his bed countless times, for hours even, but he still just ran out like Usain bolt leaving me physically exhausted and eventually mentally. As its been night 3 of attempting this. 

I even considered melatonin but later felt guilty for it as I felt he may become dependant on it, and I also read somewhere a side effect could be heightened aggressiveness which isn't ideal. The thought of having him pop into bed and sleep and remain sleep now seems to be dwindling. 

Should I just continue stay in the same room until he sleeps or should I continue to try and 'teach him to sleep on his own' which I read in 'Autistic Logistics' book. 

Being barely vocal makes things more tricky.

I just feel like I may need to reassess my goals be more realistic.

Exhausted.

  • Hi there, I completely sympathise with you, I am in a very similar situation with my six year old daughter. She never really slept well from day one, and had to have someone in the room majority of the time up until she turned 4. She then learnt to self settle, she did have periods now and again where she would go back to needing that extra reassurance a little bit, but it was phases. Since December, she has drastically got worse. Nothing has changed in terms of her bedtime routine she is very particular on her routine, and soon makes it clear if there is a change that she doesn’t like, but we haven’t had that. She started off waking up in the night wanting the extra reassurance, comfort and someone in the room (even though her brother shares a room with her), this went on for a good couple of weeks. After that, it then turned into staying in the same room all night, she gets very distressed and shouts, tries to make herself vomit, and refuses to get into her bed and lie down to try and settle, it results in us having to bring her into our bed purely so that my son doesn’t get disturbed and be exhausted for school.

    Since doing this she began to sleep a little in with us, but then as time has gone on now that is not working, she has been prescribed melatonin by her paediatrician, but we are finding difficulty getting it into her (i started a discussion on this looking for advice and was ridiculed so took it down). Wether she has the melatonin on the days where we can get her to have it or not, she still wakes around 11pm (if not already still awake) and then proceeds to try and fight going to sleep, bed, anything. We are at a point now where myself and my husband get 3 hours sleep a night, if that. My daughter is getting 3-4 hours, but its very broken sleep, and it is taking an impact on her behaviour during the day now also, which is also progressively getting worse since lockdowns began. She has anxiety attacks at times, and can get very physical, and as a bipolar mum its also impacting my own health now. I understand she is anxious, and there is something that has unsettled her which we cannot put our finger on what, we communicate with her about what she is feeling but she doesn’t understand herself i dont think. I know what it is like, it is mentally and physically exhausting, and you feel like whatever you do no matter how hard you try it doesn’t ever feel good enough or it doesn’t last long and you feel like you are back to square one, it can make you feel very flat. We are now seeking further advice from CAMHS, as its affecting her health, and we have also been granted extra bedroom with housing so are currently waiting for a house to come up so that the children can have separate bedrooms and my son won’t be disturbed, but in the meantime the long waits between appointments can make you feel very alone and hopeless, so I honestly do know how it feels, and my heart goes out to you. I hope you find some support for this soon xx

  • Dear NAS68997,

    I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with this.  You might find the information on this page, Sleep - a guide for parents of autistic children, useful.  There are links to other resources at the end of the page including our Helpline which you might like to contact if you would like to speak to one of our advisors.

    I'm going to move this thread from the Autistic Adults forum to the Parents and Carers Forum as you may get more responses there.

    I hope that helps.

    Regards,

    Kerri-Mod

  • Hi, I'm sorry to hear you've been having difficulties. I was wondering if you've tried sign language with your son at all, and picture cards? Apologies if you have and if I'm speaking out of turn, through my own journey I've come to learn how valuable visual communication has been for me including subtitles and gestures, as an aid to speech. I'm wondering if possibly a sign routine before bed may help him to understand that you will still be nearby and to put the situation in context for him more. Wishing you all the best

  • My thoughts are a bit influenced by the fact that with autism, some thing take more time. His vocalisation is taking a bit longer. Can his sleeping routines be given a bit longer to work out too?

    As just a previous child who has good long-term memory. Is it perhaps that he might need the togetherness satiated a bit more? Or am I completely off track?

    I know from studying human emotion that once certain things are sated, the human tends to move on ok to the next stage reasonably consistently.

    My innate feelings are that maybe it might serve to let the four-year-old have a touch more close time with parents. Some children might need this for whatever reasons(?)

    I'd be very interested to know whether parents in a similar position have noted similar things.


    As a [most likely] autistic [in some form] child, I had sleeping difficulties within my memory. Sleeping with parents was common well into being 4 years old (and probably further?). I remember lighting in my room was very important for me at age 5. My dad could leave me as long as the light was on in the landing. I remember quite clearly going from my own confidence in falling asleep with my own bedroom light off at age 5. Previously, my light had to be left on. I can quite imagine that for some children, this kind of transition might need to happen a bit later than it did for myself(?)

    Your son may have his own needs. I appreciate the difficulty that comes from the lack of ease of verbal connection. You might have to do things by steps and gauge by some ways the level of comfort in your son by non-verbal means.

    For example, if I was uncomfortable with the light off as a child, even I hadn't spoken, I may have made certain movements and sounds. [By disclosure, I was quite vocal at age 4 but I can kind of imagine not being to some extent.]


    For disclosure. I'm an anxiously attached child who's mum wasn't very attached. My innate feeling comes from a view that my growing up of being very people-pleasing well into adulthood probably comes from a lack of parental contact early in my own life. This (and other factors) may well be different to the experience of your son. 

    My knowledge of reading round the subject is that it seems reasonably normal that children with autism can take longer (depending on the individual child) in this area. I gather it's not unheard of for children aged 7 to have similar sleeping difficulties(?) Again, I await other parents who may know and have researched more deeply.


    I now defer to parents (which I am not).