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grandparents and husband don't recognise or understand autism

NAS12484

My son was diagnosed at 8 with HFA and tourettes.  I get no support from my parents and husband none of them understand him and show no interest in even trying to understand.  Even though he has a diagnosis they still blame on parenting on the way he behaves around them.  They have never offered any support as they think he can choose how he behaves.  He is  now 12 and understands that he is not liked so has started to behave even worse (purposely!!!).  To cut a ,long story short - my dad has advanced cancer and finds it really hard spending time with us because my son is so naughty.  It upsets them both the way that my son talks to me and have said today until I sort his behaviour they will not be able to see us.    They have two new step grandchildren now who they adore two  girls of 3 and 4 and constantly say that   **** and ***** are so well behaved.  I am now wondering if maybe it is my parenting that has made him this way..  I have always done what I thought was right and in my opinion he isn't naughty.  I have tried getting them to understand but they have no interest - they just blame him and me.  What can I do??  I have never been able to access any behaviour courses as no one will look after him for me.  

  • tourettes tip 

    i used to work right beside a computer programmer who had tourettes --- He would say "F*ck" You, "bas*ard"  towards his screen when he made mistakes which would upset people walking past. Some would report him / confront him.  He may have brightened up my day but upsetting people really upset him.

    In a discussion with him I came up with the idea of him cursing in another language so I taught him to curse in italian,french, and spanish. We practised quite a bit which was fun Innocent

    after some time his curses where mostly in other languages so very few people took offence :)

    This guy I am talking about was a fully functioning as400 programmer who worked non-stop.

    Heart 

      

  • Hi,

    I identify somewhat as my ex doesn't believe my 12 year old daughter has ASD and a few years back (way before diagnosis) he managed to convince some social workers that her struggles were due to my bad parenting and that I had mental health issues. She now lives with him in term time. I started to question myself then, but it is all coming out now and I think it will be put right. My family has said I lack discipline, but they are starting to see it's the system that has failed us.

    Anyhow the things that helped us the most were - emotion coaching - find online or in Daniel J Siegel Books. Positive Discipline is similar and that Dinosaur Brain Books are also good. I got Emotion Coaching through . The PFSA at her school, but most schools don't have one. It's all about trying to help them calm down when behaving badly and learning gradually over time to come out of fight or flight more quickly then talking about the situation when they are calm and able to process the information and empathise and think of consequences etc. Basically when they 'misbehave' or 'flip their lids' empathising with them, not doing anything that makes them feel rejected or abandoned or judged and getting them to name their emotions and use words to bring them out of fight or flight. 

    Kindness Chart - a simple line drawing on the wall (we used dog pictures). Each evening give eachother and others (not yourselves) stickers for acts of kindness. Gradually fill the inside of the drawing with stickers until full and you get a new one.

    3 x Family rules agreed by both of you. The most important one for us was that if you want something you must ask with full sentence and please and nice tone of voice or you don't get. That has really helped with behaviours and she is much more assertive now.

    Social Stories (through speech and language therapist referral, but you can find stuff online). Developed for ASD kids to help them understand how others think and feel so they can adjust their behaviour to get better responses from others. Always start with a story about something positive the child does already. Ready with them or they read to you every morning and before the relevant situation. It's all worded in the positive, nothing negative, not about what you don't want them to do, or about negative consequences of bad behaviour. Quick example - I often see people walking their dogs. when I look them in the eye and say hello they are often happy to say hello. I will try to look them in the eye and say hello if I want their attention. You can learn to write tailor made stories for your child or find ready made ones online. Concentrate on just one story at a time for as long as necessary, possibly weeks.

    Also I ignored all the advice and gave immediate awards for a while. I was paying my daughter £1 per day to go to school on time. I then added in more stuff she had to do to get the £1, like get to bed on time the night before. After a while she forgot about the £1.

    Tied consequences were good too. 

    In the end it was a combination of things that helped, but emotion coaching was by far the most impactful. She still has her moments, but they are way easier to deal with and much fewer and farther between.

     I hope that helps. Good Luck.

  • I completely understand the situation you are in from first hand experience. I felt very alone managing my sons HFA which wasn't diagnosed until he was 16. Without a diagnosis my husband always doubted whether the behaviour was choice. Now that my son is19 my husband finds it even more difficult because he expects him to act like an adult. We have such different ideas about how to manage the situation and it's the main reason for us to argue and fall out. The good news is that he has been able to work and drive which has been a massive boost to self esteem. There are fewer occasions of seeing red. I've come to this site to see if there is support for parents to find a common approach. After all these years I'm no longer going to struggle alone! Good luck.