31 year old daughter with Aspergers undiagnosed....

Just bear in mind that she's not doing it to embarrass or humiliate you, she's doing what she feels comfortable with while planning a major social event that will be a little overwhelming for her.

I'm afraid that if you wish to establish a good relationship with her you may have to put your feelings to one side about your siblings and decide not to be bothered about what they think. If they care about you, they'll understand that it is her decision, not yours and it should not affect their relationship with you. Sometimes we have to make hard choices - it may come down to you choosing between supporting your daughter or your siblings. It may seem like a huge issue now but it's just one day and will soon be in the past. You will have to decide.

Thank you again Pixiefox, what you say resonates with us, she is fiercely independent as you say and very strong minded and we feel we cant get in. It is hurtful that she leaves my family out of the day time celebrations and hard for me to accept, after all a wedding is very public and it feels embarrassing and humiliating for me. 

Thanks for your kind reply, I'm glad it made sense to you. In terms of what to do next, I would suggest some sort of written communication initially - in terms of absorbing information this is easier for us visually (written words, pictures, etc) than in auditory format (spoken words) and is less likely to cause a sensory/emotional overload. Perhaps you could write to her, by letter, email or text, and reassure her that you understand that the wedding is her day and she needs to feel happy and comfortable with who is invited, so you are happy for her to make the arrangements, including the guest list, but as you care very much about her you would really enjoy being able to go with her to choose her wedding dress, flowers, etc and will support her in all her choices. I know you may not really feel that way, but giving these reassurances may provide a way back into a relationship with her. You could also ask her to help choose your outfit for the wedding. In time, hopefully she will come to understand that you do really care about her and may start to be able to compromise with you more. Be aware though that this may not happen - we are often fiercely independent and can have strong rigidity of mind. However we can also have many great strengths and qualities, and we all have to accept each other as we are.

Thanks JennyButterfly, we appreciate your comments and agree with what you say. We need more info on the subject, meanwhile we will try very hard with a new perspective.

If it's likely that she wouldn't be receptive and your youngest daughter find the suggestion of Asperger's awful, then maybe the best approach would be to use info about autism as a possible guide but keep any mention of it in the background until such time as this might change (I think I'm echoing Pixiefox here). 

Of course, you can't make your daughter share more, as you say, but I think there will be scope to influence the dynamic and create opportunities for her to become more open.  Admittedly this might involve very small steps at first but, assuming the communication lines are even a little bit open, I would suggest keeping interactions safe, warm, supportive, as frequent as feels comfortable and appropriate in your family situation, plus focussing on listening for now.  The specifics of who did what, when and why might seem important, but I would park these to one side as any focus on practicalities, wedding arrangements and what they might mean doesn't seem to be helping you.  I'm not saying that these things aren't hurtful, nor that they should never be mentioned again, but just trying to find a way through by shifting the emphasis.  

Thank you so much, Pixiefox for taking the time to reply. Everything you say makes sense to me and my husband and clearly explains so much about her behaviour. At the moment we are not in communication as she seems to want no contact because we challenged her about the wedding guest list. I think this has been a long term problem challenging her about what she says and does, she hates it and walks away or doesnt contact us. We are not sure what to do next.

Thank you for your help, much appreciated.

I'm an older Aspie female and although I don't know the reasons behind your daughter's behaviour, or even if she is on the spectrum, I may be able to give some ideas as to why an autistic woman would act like this.

The teenage years are always difficult for autistic people who really struggle with the sensory overload of school and the difficulties of feeling different, not finding it easy to make friends, and often being bullied. An autistic girl may want to have good family relationships, but may feel that she is not understood and so become frustrated, and will often exhibit meltdowns at home after struggling to keep things together at school or college and not look "weird" to her peers - this makes communication more difficult and strains family relationships.

Autistic people have a need to be in control of things in their lives, which may explain why she finds it difficult to discuss plans with you and needs total control over her wedding. They also cannot cope well with last minute changes (such as cancelling dinner plans) as even if they realise that the change of plans is unavoidable, it is still highly unsettling for them.

The reliance on her by her sibling, particularly the moving in with her for a while, may be causing her a lot of stress, even if she really cares for her. Younger autistic adults may find having to give support to family members extremely draining. She may also be trying hard to be strong for her sister and so be continually "masking" her autism, which leaves little energy for her relationship with you and convinces her sister that she cannot be autistic .

I hope this night give an insight into autistic behaviour and perhaps help you understand your daughter better. She may be resistant to an autism diagnosis, but you might find that treating her as if she is on the spectrum may help your relationship with her. There are lots of good books and information on the internet that may help you. Good luck.

Hi,

Thanks for your reply JennyButterfly, what makes us think of Aspergers is :

• Lack of empathy
• Sensitive but insensitive to other peoples feelings
• Says inappropriate things you may think but not say
• Misinterprets jokes and sarcasm
• Talks a lot about her own interests in detail but asks little about others
• she doesnt think about how things she does may affect other people(lateral thinking) 

We only talk of discipline over teenage years, just normal boundaries, other childhood issues all dealt with in a supportive way, through school and family support. We have no negative feelings about Autism, but feel our daughter would not be receptive to it. Our youngest daughter means that it is awful that we thinks its Asperger's, we dont know why ? We dont know why eldest daughter chooses not to share things with us? we cant make her. I hear what your saying about attentive listening and maybe that is something we could try. 

This sounds quite complicated and so it's hard to advise.  When situations have built up over a number of years it's hard to unravel the factors and, of course, emotions can run high too, which probably means you need to tread carefully. 

I would tend to drill down and think about the family dynamic in general and how this might look from the perspective of each of the family members.

Questions that spring to mind as I'm reading:  What is it that makes you think of an Asperger's diagnosis and how do you think this is playing out in the relationship?  How do you feel about autism?  Are there positives which might bring to bear?  How does she herself feel about the possibility and, if it's not something she wants to hear about, are you respecting that?  Is your youngest daughter able to give you any more feedback about what it is that makes you "the difficult ones" and why it would be "awful" to think about autism?  How might episodes from the past be impinging on the present?  You mention difficulties from an early age but nothing about how these were handled and what support was given, nor the type of discipline given (which might be particularly relevent in the case of a a sensitive child).

I can hear your hurt and frustration, but overall am wondering about her voice in all of this.  What might she write about your relationship?  Also her hopes and plans and how or whether she sees the family in this?  There are glimpses of this here (such as when she said she didn't know your family well enough to invite them for the daytime plans or when she chooses not to share things with you) but nothing on the possible reasons behind this.  My feeling is that these things can't have come out of nowhere and that further exploration might help.  

I think that feedback from this forum might be quite limited as such situations can be highly individual and there will be so much background of which we are unaware.  But there is feedback built into your situation, especially if you also view behaviour as communication.  Does your daughter respond well to attentive listening - just a non judgemental space for her to give her own perspective?  I am wondering whether this could be opened up between you, perhaps in only small ways if at all possible.