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31 year old daughter with Aspergers undiagnosed....

NAS65079

Hello

We have a 31 year old daughter who is undiagnosed Asperger's. As a young child she was very shy and quiet, but we had no problems in her very early years although needed one to one at playgroup, struggled to settle at primary and used to cry at Secondary school as her peers said she never spoke.  We have had a difficult relationship ever since her teenage years, thinking it was just teenage hormones. She was unable to respond to any kind of boundaries or mild discipline. She would over react to any attempts at discipline, and accused us of " looking at her like a piece of S..." and storm off, which left us perplexed. The next day she would act like nothing had happened.  We have struggled to get close to her, we feel that something is in the way and we are treading on egg shells.  Communication with her is always difficult. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and was unwell for some time, she would never engage with the fact I was ill or help in any way, she showed no real empathy. She was very creative as a young child, teenager and adult, and spent hours doing craft and art.

She lives with her boyfriend and has done for 6 years. As a mother I  feel I have no meaningful relationship with her, as I have always had criticism from her and she chooses not to share anything with me or her father. One time it was my husbands birthday and we had a meal planned, I had to cancel as I was unwell. She phoned me a couple of days later and said you and Dad are incapable of showing love, we think just because the meal didnt go ahead as there was no other issue. They are planning a Wedding next year, we have been completely excluded from any arrangements. We asked for a guest list from each of our sides of the family, she had invited 28 from my husbands side for the day time and none of my family. My family were only coming at night. I was very hurt , she just said I dont know them well enough. We wrote her a letter explaining how it made us feel, I would be at the wedding without my siblings, she ignored it. We have tried to talk to her boyfriend about it but all he says is talk to her, when we do she is just very nasty. We cant do or say anything right, it is always twisted and taken the wrong way. She is very sensitive but very insensitive at the same time.

Our youngest daughter with whom we had a good relationship, but in the past few years has had her own problems and has heavily relied on her elder sister, even living with her for a short time. We  have told her we suspect Asperger's in our eldest daughter, but, she says you are wrong, you are the difficult ones and she says its awful that we think that. We have nowhere to turn and feel very isolated. 

We are wondering how to move forward and improve communication with our eldest daughter and would appreciate any feedback. 

Parents

  • This sounds quite complicated and so it's hard to advise.  When situations have built up over a number of years it's hard to unravel the factors and, of course, emotions can run high too, which probably means you need to tread carefully. 

    I would tend to drill down and think about the family dynamic in general and how this might look from the perspective of each of the family members.

    Questions that spring to mind as I'm reading:  What is it that makes you think of an Asperger's diagnosis and how do you think this is playing out in the relationship?  How do you feel about autism?  Are there positives which might bring to bear?  How does she herself feel about the possibility and, if it's not something she wants to hear about, are you respecting that?  Is your youngest daughter able to give you any more feedback about what it is that makes you "the difficult ones" and why it would be "awful" to think about autism?  How might episodes from the past be impinging on the present?  You mention difficulties from an early age but nothing about how these were handled and what support was given, nor the type of discipline given (which might be particularly relevent in the case of a a sensitive child).

    I can hear your hurt and frustration, but overall am wondering about her voice in all of this.  What might she write about your relationship?  Also her hopes and plans and how or whether she sees the family in this?  There are glimpses of this here (such as when she said she didn't know your family well enough to invite them for the daytime plans or when she chooses not to share things with you) but nothing on the possible reasons behind this.  My feeling is that these things can't have come out of nowhere and that further exploration might help.  

    I think that feedback from this forum might be quite limited as such situations can be highly individual and there will be so much background of which we are unaware.  But there is feedback built into your situation, especially if you also view behaviour as communication.  Does your daughter respond well to attentive listening - just a non judgemental space for her to give her own perspective?  I am wondering whether this could be opened up between you, perhaps in only small ways if at all possible.             

             

  • in reply to Jenny Butterfly

    Hi,

    Thanks for your reply JennyButterfly, what makes us think of Aspergers is :

    • Lack of empathy
    • Sensitive but insensitive to other peoples feelings
    • Says inappropriate things you may think but not say
    • Misinterprets jokes and sarcasm
    • Talks a lot about her own interests in detail but asks little about others
    • she doesnt think about how things she does may affect other people(lateral thinking) 

    We only talk of discipline over teenage years, just normal boundaries, other childhood issues all dealt with in a supportive way, through school and family support. We have no negative feelings about Autism, but feel our daughter would not be receptive to it. Our youngest daughter means that it is awful that we thinks its Asperger's, we dont know why ? We dont know why eldest daughter chooses not to share things with us? we cant make her. I hear what your saying about attentive listening and maybe that is something we could try. 

Reply
  • in reply to Jenny Butterfly

    Hi,

    Thanks for your reply JennyButterfly, what makes us think of Aspergers is :

    • Lack of empathy
    • Sensitive but insensitive to other peoples feelings
    • Says inappropriate things you may think but not say
    • Misinterprets jokes and sarcasm
    • Talks a lot about her own interests in detail but asks little about others
    • she doesnt think about how things she does may affect other people(lateral thinking) 

    We only talk of discipline over teenage years, just normal boundaries, other childhood issues all dealt with in a supportive way, through school and family support. We have no negative feelings about Autism, but feel our daughter would not be receptive to it. Our youngest daughter means that it is awful that we thinks its Asperger's, we dont know why ? We dont know why eldest daughter chooses not to share things with us? we cant make her. I hear what your saying about attentive listening and maybe that is something we could try. 

Children
  • in reply to NAS65079

    If it's likely that she wouldn't be receptive and your youngest daughter find the suggestion of Asperger's awful, then maybe the best approach would be to use info about autism as a possible guide but keep any mention of it in the background until such time as this might change (I think I'm echoing Pixiefox here). 

    Of course, you can't make your daughter share more, as you say, but I think there will be scope to influence the dynamic and create opportunities for her to become more open.  Admittedly this might involve very small steps at first but, assuming the communication lines are even a little bit open, I would suggest keeping interactions safe, warm, supportive, as frequent as feels comfortable and appropriate in your family situation, plus focussing on listening for now.  The specifics of who did what, when and why might seem important, but I would park these to one side as any focus on practicalities, wedding arrangements and what they might mean doesn't seem to be helping you.  I'm not saying that these things aren't hurtful, nor that they should never be mentioned again, but just trying to find a way through by shifting the emphasis.