Hello
We have a 31 year old daughter who is undiagnosed Asperger's. As a young child she was very shy and quiet, but we had no problems in her very early years although needed one to one at playgroup, struggled to settle at primary and used to cry at Secondary school as her peers said she never spoke. We have had a difficult relationship ever since her teenage years, thinking it was just teenage hormones. She was unable to respond to any kind of boundaries or mild discipline. She would over react to any attempts at discipline, and accused us of " looking at her like a piece of S..." and storm off, which left us perplexed. The next day she would act like nothing had happened. We have struggled to get close to her, we feel that something is in the way and we are treading on egg shells. Communication with her is always difficult. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and was unwell for some time, she would never engage with the fact I was ill or help in any way, she showed no real empathy. She was very creative as a young child, teenager and adult, and spent hours doing craft and art.
She lives with her boyfriend and has done for 6 years. As a mother I feel I have no meaningful relationship with her, as I have always had criticism from her and she chooses not to share anything with me or her father. One time it was my husbands birthday and we had a meal planned, I had to cancel as I was unwell. She phoned me a couple of days later and said you and Dad are incapable of showing love, we think just because the meal didnt go ahead as there was no other issue. They are planning a Wedding next year, we have been completely excluded from any arrangements. We asked for a guest list from each of our sides of the family, she had invited 28 from my husbands side for the day time and none of my family. My family were only coming at night. I was very hurt , she just said I dont know them well enough. We wrote her a letter explaining how it made us feel, I would be at the wedding without my siblings, she ignored it. We have tried to talk to her boyfriend about it but all he says is talk to her, when we do she is just very nasty. We cant do or say anything right, it is always twisted and taken the wrong way. She is very sensitive but very insensitive at the same time.
Our youngest daughter with whom we had a good relationship, but in the past few years has had her own problems and has heavily relied on her elder sister, even living with her for a short time. We have told her we suspect Asperger's in our eldest daughter, but, she says you are wrong, you are the difficult ones and she says its awful that we think that. We have nowhere to turn and feel very isolated.
We are wondering how to move forward and improve communication with our eldest daughter and would appreciate any feedback.
