Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I'm Rosie, in my 60s, struggling to cope with my autistic partner's behaviour which is getting worse and worse. There's lots of information out there about how to handle children, but almost nothing about adults. But autism doesn't stop when someone grows up, does it.
My partner is also seriously disabled by a painful skeletal condition. And it's thought he had a bleed-on-the-brain (stroke) some years back too, which has damaged his memory, and there are lots of things he can't now remember - he just insists they never happened.
He has big problems in controlling his anger, which is expressed through violent behaviour. He's had to take early retirement and is very angry about this, and every day now is very difficult. Nothing I say or do seems to make any difference. He often lays into me verbally, too, blaming me for everything he sees as wrong.
This adds up to a load of problems for me, and I get frightened. I'm having to handle this alone. He doesn't have any friends, and doesn't want any. We have no children. So I am all there is - and I catch for everything.
Unfortunately he insists he is in 100% perfect health, he claims there is nothing wrong at all and I am making it all up.
I have looked after him for over 30 years and have stuck by him, believing I'd be able to help and make his life a little easier. Because I've been his helper & carer I am financially tied into this arrangement, and it's extremely difficult to make changes at this age, without finding myself living on the street.
Please suggest how I can handle his constant angry and hurtful outbursts which are causing me to weep. How can I calm him down. How can I get him to engage with e.g. counselling? (He won't talk and won't attend, he just refuses.) What strategies are there to cope with challenging autistic behaviour in a male adult.
I need a plan!!!
Thank you for your kindness. Please help me work out what to do.
Rosie x
Hello Rosie, I’m very sorry to read about your struggles with your husband’s anger and violent behaviour.
Has his behaviour worsened since his stroke? Sometimes a stroke can result in a change of character. He appears to be using you as lightening rod for all his frustrations.
I am also in my 60s and it is true that there is no support for older autistic people. The little research there is into older autistic people does suggest the condition is regressive. I was only diagnosed last year, so I don’t know if my problems are a result of a ‘coming out’ process or due to regression.
Autism is no excuse for abusive behaviour. Your husband’s stroke may explain it, but his refusal to concede that his behaviour is unacceptable appears to be the main point that needs addressing.
Have you spoken to your GP about this situation? I think you should start putting your own health first. Do you have any friends or family with whom you could stay for a short while? This may concentrate your husband’s mind on the fact that he is far worse off without you, than you without him.
There is a twitter tag #AutisticElders where people can post their questions concerning older autistic people. I’ve just started posting on twitter - it’s easy to pick up how. This way you may be offered some helpful advice from someone in a similar situation.
Sorry I’m not able to offer more practical advice. You are to be congratulated for reaching out.
All the best, Graham.
Hello Graham, thank you for your kind words.
My partner's behaviour has worsened tremendously since the stroke - he refuses to accept or believe that anything happened to him, because he doesn't remember it - I think this is quite common. He has a very, very short fuse now which blows very easily. He gets confused. He can only converse for a short time before having to stop, because he's feeling overwhelmed. He refuses to communicate a lot of the time and won't discuss anything he doesn't want to talk about, especially 'difficult' things and his unacceptable behaviour. So it's extremely hard to make any forward progress.
When we do talk to other people he presents himself as calm and lovely (honestly). Then when we're back inside the home, and the door is shut, off he goes again. It's very distressing for me.
He says that he and I are living in totally different worlds and realities - which is probably true, since I remember everything and my brain is working well, it always has.
If I removed myself, it wouldn't make him miss me, not at all. He would be very happy for me to disappear and stop 'looking after' him, he resents it, he resents the assistance, he says he wants to Be Alone, away from people and the world forever - which you can't actually do, can you. You have to live somewhere and have the means to do it. However our lack of finances prevent me from just dividing everything up and leading separate lives. There's no debt, but there isn't enough money. I have worked extremely hard to provide a stable safe environment which I look after for the two of us, and I don't wish to damage my own life by leaving this for a very uncertain future. But I can't, and won't, push him out, because I believe that would be unkind and wrong, since he has such terrible problems.
I don't have anyone to stay with, sadly my own life has become more and more narrow over the years because my partner doesn't like people and won't socialise. So I have to do things online.
There definitely needs to be more support for older people. Perhaps we can start something!
I will follow up your suggestions, bless you.
Rosie
Hi Rosie
Sorry to hear about your problems.
As Graham has said, autism doesn't get worse as we age but our ability to mask/cover it up gets harder as it requires so much energy.
NAS64525 said:When we do talk to other people he presents himself as calm and lovely (honestly). Then when we're back inside the home, and the door is shut, off he goes again. It's very distressing for me.
The very early programming we get as a child to behave and not be a nuisance means we are compelled to behave ourselves and be on 'best behaviour' when with company - it's deeply rooted so we automatically switch it on but we can't sustain it - so unfortunately, you're on the receiving end when you get home.
The fact he has no memory or ability to measure his behaviour means he feels no regrets about anything he says or does - that means he's unlikely to accept any help or see any need to change.
If you have come to the conclusion that you're going to stay, I suggest you start to look after your own well-being and create a more rewarding life for yourself so the negative parts of your life are smaller - start to make external friends and develop some pass-times that get you out of the house a bit more.
Please go to your gp and talk it over with them - I'm surprised they haven't put any kind of care package together considering his stroke and health problems - you need support and maybe some respite care to give you a chance of self-care.
There's a website called meetup.com where people set up social events - have a look at events in your area - I go to local coffee mornings, pub nights, lunches etc. just to get out of the house and see new faces.
There's also likely to be a local facebook page where people arrange social stuff - start to make some changes.
Hi Plastic, I'm grateful for your direct approach, I realise now that I do need a kick and a new way of doing things.
I agree that frustration is a major cause of my partner's anger, and I truly understand and sympathise with his difficult position - my problem is that he's directing all this heat and anger at little me, in private.
I like your idea of talking to him as if it's a business meeting, matter-of-fact, and I will certainly try this and report back.
I do my level best to keep him occupied, and I try to provide everything he asks for and shows interest in. He was a University lecturer, a really clever guy. He loves numbers, he finds them 'safe' (which the world is not). I've managed to get him to try to write a Maths text book, and it's proving a useful way of distracting and absorbing him for hours on end.
Yes, 60 is still young, and I'm hoping to live to at least 80. But I have to restore some peace for myself, I don't have the ability to continue with these turbulent days and nights, nobody could.
Enjoy your boats and your Lego! What wonderful pursuits.