Struggling mum of undiagnosed Aspergers daughter

I actually started crying as I was reading this out to my husband, my 12 year old son is going through the same, and we feel the same feeling that we are alone, he is not nice to his other siblings and to us  he says the most horrible things, this normally happens when he is feeling extremely anxious and worrying about something, things have gotten so bad that he has stop going to school and our psychologist has told us she thinks mainstream secondary school isn’t for him.

I really hope you get the support you need for your family 
he is also undiagnosed Aspergers waiting for his assessment 

Hello Tillie,

sorry that my message made you sad but in a way it’s probably a comfort to know others have the similar issues. I’ve always wished she was a year below in school as she’s very immature and vulnerable.  I have had 4 horrendous days with her I have tried not to speak with her unless it's necessary. Today we had a family day and we were distant from each other but we were together and I think we really needed that. When we came home she started the negativity again so I hope tomorrow is a good day.   I have spoken with an advice service about the negativity towards other siblings and they told me I have to be strong and make it all minimal as possible and  show they siblings that I’ve got it all under control. It’s not easy it really isn’t. I do try my best but I also get it really wrong. I hope you have support for your son and get all the help you can x 

Sounds like my mother and I growing up. Unlike you, she had no clue and I was chucked out at 17. 

First of all, well done for doing what you're doing. It's hard,  and unless you are autistic as well, you're going to make many mistakes; that's inevitable unfortunately, so don't be too hard on yourself. Also, do not take most of what is said or done personally. You may be the only person she can be herself with and that means you get everything. If she has a meltdown, that's not a tantrum, that's a loss of control which is scary and draining and trust me, she doesn't want to be doing it. Don't blame her, forgive her and if it's a situation you can help with, do that. The most important thing is to show you care no matter what she says or does. You're the rock that you can't kick out of the ground. Try to deescalate triggers that you can see coming and whatever ones you can't see coming, just be there for the fallout. 

The most important thing is figuring out what behaviour she can control and what she can't and work with that in mind. Normal people can often control behaviour and acting out is manipulative, whether conscious or subconscious, which is why people will talk to you about boundaries and things being acceptable or not. Trust me, if you push autistic people to their limit discipline wise, they break. Flexibility, acceptance and tolerance are the key. When she knows you are strong, stable, and there whatever, I think your relationship may improve. 

Autistic minds do not work the way non autistic minds do. We do not have tantrums, we have meltdowns and in extreme stress, shutdowns ( where your mind shuts down your body completly) in these situations, we hate ourselves which fuels the negativity, but because it is not in our control no matter how strong minded we are, we also feel weak, powerless. 

Control is the number one priority in autistic minds. It is a need for control that prompts all behaviour, needs and wants. Not control for a bad purpose, control for our safety. Once you understand that, you can help. 

Second to control is sensory needs. What you need and what you can't handle. 

After that it is understanding. Understanding what we see, hear and feel; understanding of others, and finally, ost importantly, being understood ourselves. 

If any of those are threatened, undermined or dismissed you have a situation on your hands. 

And lastly, you must understand that aggression is almost always transference. What she experiences from others, you will get in turn as her closest relative. 

Is there dad around? If so, how is he coping? 

Sounds like my mother and I growing up. Unlike you, she had no clue and I was chucked out at 17. 

First of all, well done for doing what you're doing. It's hard,  and unless you are autistic as well, you're going to make many mistakes; that's inevitable unfortunately, so don't be too hard on yourself. Also, do not take most of what is said or done personally. You may be the only person she can be herself with and that means you get everything. If she has a meltdown, that's not a tantrum, that's a loss of control which is scary and draining and trust me, she doesn't want to be doing it. Don't blame her, forgive her and if it's a situation you can help with, do that. The most important thing is to show you care no matter what she says or does. You're the rock that you can't kick out of the ground. Try to deescalate triggers that you can see coming and whatever ones you can't see coming, just be there for the fallout. 

The most important thing is figuring out what behaviour she can control and what she can't and work with that in mind. Normal people can often control behaviour and acting out is manipulative, whether conscious or subconscious, which is why people will talk to you about boundaries and things being acceptable or not. Trust me, if you push autistic people to their limit discipline wise, they break. Flexibility, acceptance and tolerance are the key. When she knows you are strong, stable, and there whatever, I think your relationship may improve. 

Autistic minds do not work the way non autistic minds do. We do not have tantrums, we have meltdowns and in extreme stress, shutdowns ( where your mind shuts down your body completly) in these situations, we hate ourselves which fuels the negativity, but because it is not in our control no matter how strong minded we are, we also feel weak, powerless. 

Control is the number one priority in autistic minds. It is a need for control that prompts all behaviour, needs and wants. Not control for a bad purpose, control for our safety. Once you understand that, you can help. 

Second to control is sensory needs. What you need and what you can't handle. 

After that it is understanding. Understanding what we see, hear and feel; understanding of others, and finally, ost importantly, being understood ourselves. 

If any of those are threatened, undermined or dismissed you have a situation on your hands. 

And lastly, you must understand that aggression is almost always transference. What she experiences from others, you will get in turn as her closest relative. 

Is there dad around? If so, how is he coping?