Struggling mum of undiagnosed Aspergers daughter

I am here today as I am struggling a lot myself.  I feel I have no one to talk to.  It’s not easy to say what I need to say to people who are not in my situation.  I’m scared for the future of my daughter and I love her very much but I really dislike her behaviour and the effect she is having on our family, she is breaking us. I also feel she's purposefully  pushing all the buttons to hurt me and I don’t like how I am feeling towards her at the moment, I feel like a terrible mum but all I do is try and care and fight her corner. She just treats me like dirt.  I hate the way she makes me feel, I didn’t set about to have a family to feel like this about my own child. 

Yesterday she was so bad I stayed in my bedroom all afternoon, I’ve been to the doctor as I am struggling with sleep myself now, last week I didn’t want to get in my car because I was scared I would crash it into a wall.  I really don’t like the feelings I have about her, it’s  either going well (when she’s out of her comfort zone) or just a horrendous negative situation fuelled by her nastiness to everyone around her 

I know I need to be managing this and taking control and being the strong grown up but I cannot cope with it at the minute and i need some support but don’t know where to get it ?  I really need some help. 

Parents
  • I actually started crying as I was reading this out to my husband, my 12 year old son is going through the same, and we feel the same feeling that we are alone, he is not nice to his other siblings and to us  he says the most horrible things, this normally happens when he is feeling extremely anxious and worrying about something, things have gotten so bad that he has stop going to school and our psychologist has told us she thinks mainstream secondary school isn’t for him.

    I really hope you get the support you need for your family 
    he is also undiagnosed Aspergers waiting for his assessment 

Reply
  • I actually started crying as I was reading this out to my husband, my 12 year old son is going through the same, and we feel the same feeling that we are alone, he is not nice to his other siblings and to us  he says the most horrible things, this normally happens when he is feeling extremely anxious and worrying about something, things have gotten so bad that he has stop going to school and our psychologist has told us she thinks mainstream secondary school isn’t for him.

    I really hope you get the support you need for your family 
    he is also undiagnosed Aspergers waiting for his assessment 

Children
  • Just a little word of support, Tilly, it can be so much harder with boys in terms of aggression due to their testosterone; meltdowns can be more violent which is scary, stressful and exhausting, so I feel for you and him. Keep trying to show him love, acceptance and flexibility. He will appreciate it even if he doesn't show it. Remember meltdowns are losses of control, not tantrums. Meet his needs and they will lessen. 

    There will always be triggers but make your home the safe place and he will trust you more. The more pain he experiences from others, the more transference will occur, especially to siblings. 

    Boys struggle more socially in that they don't learn how to mask as well as girls, or at all sometimes, so teach him how to socialise well, but don't push it when he can't. It is a long, long process that requires commitment and hard work. I find the SIMS game excellent for that, but you can use anything. The key is persistence and positivity. Use any occasion to teach, keep it simple and fun. 

    Mainstream is rarely suitable for ASD kids, any specialist ones near you? Depending on your son, maybe residential specialist school may help? But be aware he may see that as abandonment dependant on his understanding of himself and the situation. 

    I hope that helps a bit, but I have been there, done that, and bought the tshirt, so give me a shout for any advice or info you want! 

    Good luck! 

  • Hello Tillie,

    sorry that my message made you sad but in a way it’s probably a comfort to know others have the similar issues. I’ve always wished she was a year below in school as she’s very immature and vulnerable.  I have had 4 horrendous days with her I have tried not to speak with her unless it's necessary. Today we had a family day and we were distant from each other but we were together and I think we really needed that. When we came home she started the negativity again so I hope tomorrow is a good day.   I have spoken with an advice service about the negativity towards other siblings and they told me I have to be strong and make it all minimal as possible and  show they siblings that I’ve got it all under control. It’s not easy it really isn’t. I do try my best but I also get it really wrong. I hope you have support for your son and get all the help you can x