Published on 12, July, 2020
I am here today as I am struggling a lot myself. I feel I have no one to talk to. It’s not easy to say what I need to say to people who are not in my situation. I’m scared for the future of my daughter and I love her very much but I really dislike her behaviour and the effect she is having on our family, she is breaking us. I also feel she's purposefully pushing all the buttons to hurt me and I don’t like how I am feeling towards her at the moment, I feel like a terrible mum but all I do is try and care and fight her corner. She just treats me like dirt. I hate the way she makes me feel, I didn’t set about to have a family to feel like this about my own child.
Yesterday she was so bad I stayed in my bedroom all afternoon, I’ve been to the doctor as I am struggling with sleep myself now, last week I didn’t want to get in my car because I was scared I would crash it into a wall. I really don’t like the feelings I have about her, it’s either going well (when she’s out of her comfort zone) or just a horrendous negative situation fuelled by her nastiness to everyone around her
I know I need to be managing this and taking control and being the strong grown up but I cannot cope with it at the minute and i need some support but don’t know where to get it ? I really need some help.
Hi
Sorry you're struggling. I,'d like to try to help, but I need to know: you say your child is undiagnosed, so is it professionals that thinks she is autistic and you're waiting for a referral, or you're not getting a referral because only you think she is?
Female autism diagnoses are extrenemy hard to get- myself and my child both got ours after a very long, very stressful fight.
Thanks for your kindness in replying .... she is on the diagnosis pathway the paediatrician has put her for a referral and we are currently awaiting the speech and language referral, I believe there are a few appointments on the way to a diagnosis. I have read so many books and I thing she has ocd and Aspergers also. I want to support her but I need support to do that. There are no grandparents or friends to ask and we are a unit on our own.
I'm glad you've got the referrals. What is the speech and language referral for? What issues does she have? Are there any other issues that you know of apart from OCD, which is common in ASD? Anxiety and depression, food issues, gender issues, phobias are all common too. People often think you are somehow inoculated against anything else if you are autistic, but that's not true at all.
You have support here. I know how hard it is being isolated. I had to fight everyone to get our diagnoses, and I'm sure the others here will have similar experiences.
How old is your child, by the way? Mine just turned 16. Do you have other kids or not?
Difficult and challenging are our middle names. Also stubborn. Be prepared for her to reject help and fight every thing and every person until she reaches her own conclusion that she needs help. Only then will you have her co operation. Take every day as it comes and don't start a day with the last day in mind as it will have a negative impact. Once a kid ( non autistic or autistic) sees that you see them as the "difficult one" they will fulfill that role and you make no progress.
Remember: autistic NOT difficult. Different not worse.
Good luck!
I can relate to all of that. Between my kid and I we have it all covered! The contradictions are also typical, which makes it hard for others to understand. We know it's perfectly possible to have contradictions, but the normal world doesnt understand. You must be this or this, you can't be both, feel both, do both, etc
Sounds like standard meltdowns and the self harm is also typical. All standard female ASD stuff.
Heartbreaking I know, but this is how it goes. Think of it as she is normal for an autistic girl, with mental health issues, that way you wont be thinking it's strange, unique to you and that are are alone with it.
Unfortunately the smarter you are, the worse it is as a kid.
The best thing you can do is educate yourself until you are an expert in ASD, OCD, etc and then deal with each thing as it comes. Most of all, don't be afraid, it's scary for all of you but you will get through it.
Is she under CAMHS yet?
Hello and (hug) thank you so much. Our lovely daughter is 12 with siblings 9 and 14. The issues my daughter has are to do with OCD, and being over hygienic, strictness and control of a routine, not happy with change, struggles with social situations, sleep issues for which she has now been prescribed circadian/melatonin. She mimics me constantly, eg if I dont pronounce my words properly she gives me dirty looks comments on my appearance and picks up on everything I say or do or what I’m wearing. She’s highly articulate and pretty clever and can twist situations quite cleverly. She’s okay academically doing okay in mainstream school but not great with friendship building / Keeping. Once a child upsets her or doesn’t act as she feels is okay they are struck off completely. Lots of her anxieties are around school / homework / teachers. She also has self injurious behaviours that she demonstrates very openly when she’s anxious or unhappy or wants her own way. For example (thankfully nothing too bad at the moment) , pulling hair, throwing self to floor, poking into her eyes and digging nails into her arms/ legs, Punching herself or scratching her face. She’s obsessed with her looks and fashion. She has a very high opinion and also a low opinion of herself which I don’t understand. She’s said to me she knows she’s different and that she feels ready for a test on that so she can find out. She hasn’t discussed in detail but she has said some of her friends like boys or girls and she isn’t interested in Boys or girls.
I do think there is so much going on for children in our society I really feel for her but also I find her very difficult and challenging.