Published on 12, July, 2020
My son has ASD diagnosd when he was 4-5y old and I had transferred to a small primary school where he received 1:1 tuition etc. and thrived. The transition to secondary was a nightmare. He couldn't cope from the get go. He's currently in the process of having further assessment for a pervasive developmental disorder. He is highly anxious, a perfectionist and very fearful of mistakes. Parenting requires a lot of intelligence really as he is very articulate but will not accept a mistake he has made. For example, if he's rushing about and slips, it's because there is a problem with the floor. If he's spilt something, it's a problem with the cup. Usually, he never starts a fight or argument at school, but when something happens he retaliates and uses foul language that results in him being complained about. He doesn't accept he's done wrong. He sees things as not being his fault, the other children used bad language but not accepting his use of bad language was ten times worse and something he doesn't even understand. He gets very anxious when something happens and I think he worries he will be blamed. My approach is to focus away from blame, and reassure him he's done nothing wrong. That works in de-escalating the situation. How do I cope with the parenting bit. So later, I will have a chat and say 'next time you run down the stairs to the kitchen, just make sure you're wearing your slippers in case the floor is slippery and you fall' or 'you know when other children call you names and use bad language, I don't think you should use bad language back at them because then they will complain about you, when you should complain to your teacher about them'. If I said to him that he has made a mistake and remember not to do it again, he will get very anxious and confrontational. What other things can I do or say to help in such situations.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Rosie! I have a very similar experience, although I've never been told this by my parents. It's come up a lot in my relationship with my partner (we've been together almost 10 years) and he always says I get so defensive whenever he tries to give me feedback about something or show me my approach is wrong. I recognise that I always subconsciously feel like I'm in the right or I'm the one who knows best, and it can make me react to stressful situations in ways I'm not proud of. I actually start to feel anxious when I even suspect that my partner may be about to raise an issue, as deep down I'm afraid of the arguments that will follow. Definitely a fight response and not something I know how to change.
Thank you for your response. It sums up how he feels and how he behaves which I need to understand. He does perceive my responses as an attack and you can feel the 'fight' response in him. He shows his hurt by attacking me. Once he has calmed down, he does see reason but finds it so very very hard to apologise. I think he does interpret anything 'challenging' as negative and critical even though there is constructive criticism. I try and use the feedback loop where I praise him for what has gone well and then try and tackle the difficult issues. But with day to day experiences you instinctively react without realising that he responds very differently to normal people, and that is very hard for me.
I've heard of social stories but not quite sure how to use them as a parenting exercise. He is now 16 going on to 17 but I have learnt to handle him very differently. He mirrors my response. So if I show upset, he is upset but the upset is seen as an attack on myself. He becomes defensive and upset. It is so hard really but I persist and there have been changes over time. I think as he gets older his difficulties will become less obvious as he will have more experience of similar situations behind him, that will help him. However when it comes to new situations, he is most likely to flounder.
Thank you for your reply. I think Rosie below has summed up the situation which I believe is what my son is experiencing.
I can’t offer any parenting advice because I don’t have any kids but I might be able to help with some insight? I have asd and I have been told a lot by my parents that I am like this! I’m 20 now and have learnt how to back down when someone says I’m wrong but even though I try hard to see how they are right, I still can’t and it is very hard to bite my tongue - maybe your son will learn to do the same. I still don’t know why I’m like this and I know now that it can’t be that I really am right all the time! When someone tells me that I am wrong in something, no matter how small, it feels like a direct attack on me for some reason.I feel really hurt and really flustered and it can even make me angry. I get very defensive and my brain launches to a reason why I’m right. My mum says it’s hard to argue with an autistic person because sometimes we only think in black and white. I think it could be because I do get criticised a lot but also, I got bullied a lot as a kid and even sometimes now, as a lot of ppl with asd have. I only know this because other people have pointed out when I’m being bullied. To me, it’s hard to tell apart the personal attacks to the impersonal and so my response to all of it is either fight or freeze. Like I said, I did get better at holding my tongue and in hindsight, I can usually see that I was wrong too. I hope this helps- maybe this is how your son feels?
Have you tried social stories? Thomas Edison tried hundreds of materials before he found the right filament for his light bulb - he said that he did not "get it wrong" when a material did not work. He merely found out that <whatever> did not work so he needed to try something else. Or as my grandfather put it, " The person who never made a mistake never made b**ger all." Your son has learnt that doing <whatever> doesn't work when cooking eggs. That is useful information. Use it to work out what might work. If the eggs are burnt, try turning down the heat next time, etc.
Your child is very afraid of criticism, perhaps because he feels some "otherness" and does not want to be criticized. Perhaps at school or in the classroom, people criticize him for his peculiarities. You should find out because the reason for fear of criticism should be that there are people in his environment who generate this fear in him. I am also the mother of an adopted child through fosterplus.org, a child with ASD. It was very difficult for us when my son first went to a local school. But I talked to the school principal, and the teachers supported my child. Therefore, schoolchildren also began to play and are friends with him over time.
Hi. Thanks for that. It's reassuring to know other children behave similarly. I have to constantly put myself in his shoes to understand where he's coming from. He listens once calmed down but I have to be very careful to avoid blame and to explain why it is better for something to be done differently. He doesn't understand use of tact around other people. He challenges things that are wrong and can't compromise. He's very careful and things he does are actually thought out and have a logic behind them. But mistakes will happen and to him, he's not responsible. You learn from your mistakes to grow and improve, does not apply and I believe this makes him anxious as he wants his first attempt to be flawless. If he can't find an explanation he becomes mute because there is one, just that he can't say what it is. In many ways he has superhuman qualities of self-control, following recipes in great detail etc. but he can't accept that following instructions doesn't mean mistakes won't happen as skill is acquired through practice. The arms are not robotic and will tremble and spill although on paper you pick something and place it supposedly without accident. It is hard work for me, exhausting and requires a lot of effort, patience and calmness. You learn to deal differently with him but no one else can. How do you prepare him for the real world?
Hello - my son who is also 13 is exactly the same - hope that makes you feel better as it does me! My son is never wrong, always has an excuse or answer for everything and never backs down. Quite often rather than let something escalate to all out tantrums we will go along with his reasons or excuses and then talk to him about it at a different time when he has calmed down and not stressing over it. I think my son tries very hard to fit in the "normal" day and he always does what he knows he HAS to do without argument. He gets a lot of tummy problems at school where he is fighting his anxiety and doing things he really doesn't want to do. This must take an awful lot of effort for him so we are willing to back down rather than cause him even more stress, then tackle it later when he's not stressed. I'm sure like my son, your son isn't a brat, he just needs tactical handling! X
I wish it were that simple. He often uses words cleverly. Or play with them. So he argues, clearly for example saying he won't wear a jacket when it's raining outside but when asked about the 'squabble' usually with his grandmother, he will say it was because it was the wrong rain jacket she was asking him to wear. He can be heard saying 'No' when she tells him to wear it when going outside but when I intervene it's 'no to the wrong rain jacket' according to him. I think the issue is whether it is raining or may rain and when the weather forecast is for rain but it's not raining outside, he thinks he doesn't need a rain jacket. But his play on words can be very taxing. My approach to him getting him to do something is to say 'it's not raining right now, but you are wearing a rain jacket as it is going to rain at some point today and you are going outside'. It's what I call a 'cerebral' explanation to make him understand why I am asking him to wear a rain jacket. My mum can't do this. She will say you need a rain jacket because of the weather and to his mind, it's not 'raining' at the time he's been asked to wear the rain jacket. But when he said 'no' and then changed it to 'no it was the wrong rain jacket' is naughty of him. Often I don't know what to do!
To be honest, I think he needs some actual punishment because he's acting in a completely immature manner. ASD is not an excuse for being a brat.
No. He uses a strange logic in which the cause is always external. He is almost scared to admit that he has done something wrong or can't accept that he can. When he has been asked to say sorry, he will do so with great difficulty but later on will cry that he was asked to say sorry when it hadn't been his fault. Once he made an omelette and threw it in the bin because it hadn't cooked right. So he was told to call someone in or ask me for help as I could eat it by cooking it differently. He repeated this 'mistake' of throwing it away saying there was something wrong with the eggs. We now know that he will throw away food he has cooked/made if it isn't how he perceives it to be.
Does he ever accept responsibility when he has done something wrong?
Hi. He is now 13.
How old is your son?