Psychologist??

I would get Dad to take him out for some together time, so he feels special. He sounds unhappy so what that might make him happy? Does he do any physical exercise in clubs such as football, karate, swimming, running, as any excercise helps to lift your mood? If Dad has any hobbies, fishing, or get them to start new hobby together? Give him something he can feel good about. Get them to cook the dinner together, obviously picking whatever is his favourite food, or to cook with you. Take turns cooking with son and daughter?... Start small if he does not like new things, with lots of encouragement and bribery, whatever it takes.

As others have said, try to focus on the good, even if it is difficult to spot, make sure you notice it and tell him when hes good. I was told praise just putting on one sock even if it took half an hour, rather than complaining he is being too slow getting dressed. He was slightly younger but hope it helps explain what I mean.

Hi, 

I’m Autistic myself and the youngest of my 3 daughter’s (2 years 5 months) has just completed her 3 autism assessments. We’re waiting for the MDT meeting but I will be VERY surprised if she doesn’t get an ASD level 3 diagnosis as she’s ‘high needs’. 

As a parent, it must be really distressing to see your child behaving like this? It seems that it would be beneficial to get some support for him as it seems that he is struggling at the moment. It could be anxiety/sensory issues/other, it’s difficult to know. It might be helpful to call the Autism helpline on this website as they may be able to offer advice to address the behaviour and also advise you what support he and yourselves are entitled to:

www.autism.org.uk/.../contact.aspx

Some autistics experience this but not all. I never felt the social pressure to fit in. The sensory environment did cause me issues at school though and later at work in a uni. I used to have a diffuser on with calming scents to help me get through the day. I also blocked out the window on my office door to reduce the impact of people constantly walking past. As such, I think its key to not make any assumptions and instead to speak to your son about his specific experiences and observe what is going on.

When communicating might also be useful to consider how literal autistic people can be and how some of us struggle with readings between the lines. For example, if someone asked me how school was, as I was in the top sets getting good grades I'd of said great. If I'd been asked about how I felt about going back after holidays/ a day off I'd have been able to communicate my distress around the change. I also wish my parents noticed how many migraines I had and were able to make the connection to my sensory needs. Esp as these were relevant in the activities they tried to force me to do too, such as visiting busy tourist spots in peak season.

NAS38782 said:

I think he brings the stress of school home!

That's probably because he's becoming aware of his own difference and feels the pressure to fit in with everyone else - it's extremely frustrating - especially if things appear illogical.

A lot of this can be controlled and should be if it's making your son suicidal. For example,

Impromptu meetings with the head - this suggests issues around boundaries. Say no. Explain the impact this is having on his well-being (especially that he's so stressed he wants to die) and explore new ways of communicating. E.g son doesn't attend meetings, head only meets with you, email communication with home instead etc

Trips/sports days - would it be better for your son to have a low sensory day at home? Do you need to do any work around managing any anxieties around returning after a day off?

Swimming lessons - why are these not at the same time/day each week? Do you need to do some autism awareness training with the school so they know that their behaviour is making your son so distressed? Do you need to spell out what inclusive teaching is if they don't know how to do this?

Is your son at the right school or would he benefit from one that is better designed for his needs?

Its best to focus on one thing at once to prevent you all from becoming overwhelmed, therefore, for now, I'd start with his home environment, esp why your son doesn't feel loved. This book might help with decoding relationships at home and would def be useful for school. There's even an accompanying workbook 

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07K34NMK8/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

He hates school but teachers think he is coping better than he used to - less meltdowns etc. I think he brings the stress of school home!

Also, all the school kids are developing socially and changing the way they interact and he may be noticing the changes among his peers and not knowing why and is feeling increasingly different and left-out.   How is his school life?

Always change at school - new class, teacher, sports day, trips, swimming lessons, having older kids teaching on occasion, impromptu meetings with the head!!!!

I am open to new strategies and am not closed off however it has got to the point where I think we need some external help for the health and wellbeing of my son

If he has the tools then why isn't everything ok? Isn't it more likley he doesn't have the most appropriate coping strategies for his current needs and/or the right environment? I ask as you seem very closed off and limited in what your willing to consider.

What change is unavoidable throughout primary school? I'm curious as the only change I had to cope with was a new teacher and the odd change in pupils in the class.

In regards to your son feeling loved would it help to analyse what goes on in his week in regards to praise and acceptance. Such as how many times you, dad and sis tell him his behaviour is amazing, how much he brings to the family etc compared to how many time you express frustration, disappointment, a desire for him to change? Is he not getting enough positive re-enforcement re the feelings of not being loved and cared for?

I am open to new ideas and strategies and ultimately I just want my son to be happy. Yes I agree he has the tools but also don’t know why he behaves like this. I know things that trigger him however they can’t be avoided all the time unfortunately. As he is only 9 he experienced change through school which is unavoidable. I would like him to do recreational activities that I know he would enjoy if he gave them a chance but I would never force him. 

I don't see meltdowns coming either - it's a slow build up of too many things that cannot be processed - each is sapping processing power until there's none left to monitor my overall mental state.   The next added load breaks the camel's back.

Questionable behaviour in others is the main cause of mine - when I simply cannot believe people can be so nasty/deceitful/horrible/manipulative to each other or to me.

If he has the tools why is he behaving like this? I don't think he has the tools and understanding he needs. I work in disability support and those individuals have been the most difficult to deal with as they already have a lot of preconceived ideas. The best line managers and colleagues I've had in regards to support were those who knew nothing about autism and as such were a lot more open.

Some people can't recognise when a melt down is coming. I'm 35 next week and I don't. As such, I need to put measures in place to prevent them happening. For me this is:

• Always be the one who's in control of change and avoid change as much as possible
• Take time out when needed e.g I've recently moved house and had to take time off work to cope with this anxiety around my change in routine
• Exercise regularly to promote good mental well-being
• Operate in low sensory environments e.g use of lamps, lots of quiet

Does the emphasis need to change to be on promoting good mental wellbeing in your son to avoid meltdowns and then working on starergeis for coping with the aftermath of one?

You have two different neurotypes operating in the family. What strategies do you, dad and sister use to cope with doing things that you'd prefer not to but have to do as part of the give and take of NT/ND relationships. Are these effective? if your son doesn't feel love this suggests these difficulties with the strategies being used on both sides. For example, why are you so insistent that he needs to do new things based on your schedule when this upsets him so much? Why can't you wait and let him explore change when its the right thing and right time for him?

Is there anything you could get him interested in that could be used as an energy drain?    I can spend all day going around a plane museum - I feel quite exhilarated afterwards.

I wouldn’t say he had a particular special interest apart from playing on his tablet

We are not aggressive or snappy and model appropriate behaviours. I work with autistic children so have a good understanding but the usual strategies are not useful with managing sons anxieties. We do explain if we say no why. We would not stop him from using his coping strategies as long as it was safe for him and others.

It sounds like he has the tools - does his dad encourage him closely to do those things with him or is he just left to get on with it?

I'm an old fart - but I find dealing with the complexities of NTs exhausting - but love engaging with people interested in the same things as I am - what does your son enjoy outside?   Is he into cars or planes or other techy/nerdy/interesting things that can be indulged?  

If he's only allowed to be a fake 'normal' person or live with meltdowns, where does he get his 'delight' from?

We have a structure to our days and he knows what to expect each day. He has a punch bag but doesn’t use it in times of heightened emotion

Does he have a logical routine in his life?   Does he know what's expected of him?   Does he have anything to vent at - something he can expend all the frustration and excess energy with - like a punchbag or hard physical activity he likes?  (Something other than people?)

He has a safe space in his room with objects that he has chosen to calm him. He likes playing on his tablet and climbing a tree in the garden. Problem is he doesn’t identify he is heading towards a meltdown therefore doesn’t use them and then obviously meltdown occurs. We are a fairly straightforward family and wouldn’t describe it as chaotic?!