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Very shocked and hurt by my friends reaction to my ASD son

NAS63258
My friend and I have a very close and supportive relationship.  She knows how I struggle taking my 2 ASD boys out in public and how I feel judged and upset by the reaction of others.  I honestly thought she understood and would never make me feel judged.
However, we went out with our kids for a few hours and my youngest was being very over excited, loud and cheeky.  I could see she look horrified whilst I dealt with him and then I told her I had nipped it in the bud.  She shot back that he was still being naughty and fired questions at me wanting to know why he had been good on a recent day out but not on the day in question.
I was too shocked to really say much and didn't express my disapproval of describing his disability as being naughty.  I made it clear that she had only seen the tip of a very large iceberg.  It upsets me that she voiced what I imagined strangers were thinking when he was having his worst meltdowns - he wasn't even having a meltdown so how on earth would she react to that.
Am I being over sensitive, or would you feel the same?
  • in reply to NAS63258

    I’m really glad that you have a good support network, it helps to have people in a similar situation to talk with about situations that occur.

  • in reply to Kitsune

    I have my parents who live locally and they help out whenever I ask.  Plus one of my friends has an ASD child and I am part of a local support group.  So I do have a good support network.

  • in reply to NAS63258

    I'm sorry to hear that you get so much unwanted attention and have been reduced to tears on one occasion! Do you have any support for yourself with this, such as parent support groups for parents of children with ASD or carers support groups? If not do you know if any such groups are available locally?

  • in reply to Kitsune

    Sadly we do get unwanted attention quite frequently.  My eldest is a teenager and looks older than he is which makes it worse.  I'm trying to be thicker skinned but must admit I have been reduced to tears on one occasion.

  • in reply to NAS63258

    It does make you feel very defensive doesn't it? Do you encounter such glances/comments frequently? I am of course very protective of all my 3 daughters but I am very very protective of my youngest, largely because of her disabilities. I'm lucky in that a lot of my friends are autistic or are professionals that work with autistic children or are parents of autistic children so they 'get' it. But there's occasionally the odd idiot when I go out with litlun, luckily no one has ever gone beyond a silly glance but I do worry that someone will and that it will trigger me massively! I'm usually quite controlled and don't tend to lose it with anyone other than my husband when he's being particularly annoying but I can see, unfortunately, that some day someone is going to verbally express prejudice towards my youngest and I'm going to end up absolutely flipping the light fantastic at them! Perhaps we can just assume that it will probably be well deserved! But I don't like that fear that there is the potential to lose control in public like that just because some people are so ignorant! 

  • in reply to NAS63258

    I hope the chat goes well. Yer i understand its hard to no how to respond in the moment. 

  • in reply to NAS63291

    I agree I do need a chat with her.  Although I think it's best to focus on explaining his behaviour rather than what she said.  At the time I was too stunned to respond and missed my opportunity.  

  • in reply to NAS63258

    I would have a honest conversation with her if you are really close it can be sorted and she could be upset she made you feel that way. 

    It can be hard for everyone involved open communication is important even with friends involved x 

  • in reply to NAS63291

    I do think it's lack of understanding and quite possibly he aggravated her anxiety and/or the situation embarrassed her.  I have been friends with her for a long time and I always felt like she was the sister I never had.  I guess that made it hurt even more.  

  • Hi, 

    This is the most  awful feeling a parent can go through. We all struggle as it is and support is what keeps us going. I have had friends say things that are insensitive and you are not over reacting only you no if your friend is a true friend or not. If she is then it could be a lack of understanding on her part i believe people friends etc need educating just the same as we do. 

    As hard as it is to accept if they can not accept ur children it takes great strength for you to accept she may not be the friend you need, you need support as much as your child does. 

  • in reply to Kitsune
    Oh Kitsun I have been on the receiving end of those glances.  It makes you feel so defencive, no wonder you were ready with a comeback.  Some people stop and stare, plus I've had comments and even laughing aimed at us. It's heartbreaking.
    Only once has somebody approached me with sympathy and support.  She had 3 special needs children of her own, such a wonderful woman.  If only more people had her attitude.

  • You're not being over sensitive. Your son wasn't being naughty, he just needs a little bit of help to understand 'socially acceptable' levels of excitement and volume. It's wrong of your friend to judge either you or your son when he is behaving the way he is due to a disability. People should be a bit more understanding! Honestly I was getting sideways glances from another mum this morning when I took my 5 year old to her swimming lesson and was waiting in the spectators room with my 2 year old who has global developmental delay. Her awareness of other people isn't the greatest and she'll try to climb over people's legs to get where she wants or will grab onto the backs of chairs as she's walking as she's only been walking properly for a week or two, obviously I supervise her and pick her up when she's about to do something though. I had a rather blunt response ready for that woman if she'd progressed to saying something, which luckily she didn't!