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can't control son's it use

NAS11546

My 15 year old son is on the spectrum and also has learning difficulties. He is verbal but largely non-compliant but is obsessed with having or using technology.

We have, as a family drawn up a family agreement which we have all signed confirming our agreement and laminated however, an instance has arisen whereby he has posted vlogs online and on youtube of his brothers and cousin rollerskating this weekend whilst we were all away together. this is not the first such instance.

we regularly check their devices but he is prone to deleting his search history and has accounts in differing names or profile pictures which aren't his. we are struggling to make him realise that he can't do this but are also desperate to keep the balance of control to keep him safe and treating him as a young adult.

any ideas or experience?

Parents

  • It's not clear what your concerns are.  If you think you are keeping him safe, then he's finding ways around your rules.  

    What are your fears?

  • in reply to Plastic

    My concern is 2 fold. Firstly that he is posting without consent and secondly that he is so savvy that I wonder what else he is doing that we are unaware off. 

    It is very hard to reason with him and he is renagging any rules. My instinct is to remove his phone and tablet but not really coherent for day to day life. He doesn't accept any responsibility for his actions

    We have had a previous instance of spying on his cousin whilst she was changing ando trying to take photos but we caught this on time. The upload on this occasion seems harmless enough but he clearly has no perception of what is and isn't acceptable and worried where it will end up. 

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  • in reply to Plastic

    My concern is 2 fold. Firstly that he is posting without consent and secondly that he is so savvy that I wonder what else he is doing that we are unaware off. 

    It is very hard to reason with him and he is renagging any rules. My instinct is to remove his phone and tablet but not really coherent for day to day life. He doesn't accept any responsibility for his actions

    We have had a previous instance of spying on his cousin whilst she was changing ando trying to take photos but we caught this on time. The upload on this occasion seems harmless enough but he clearly has no perception of what is and isn't acceptable and worried where it will end up. 

Children
  • in reply to NAS11546

    You could always get him to show you how clever he is in the internet - give him some difficult tasks - get him to price up a fictional holiday including car hire, hotel, excursions etc. - show him the real uses of the internet. 

    Do you have any hobbies with hard-to-find parts?  Get him to price stuff up for you - if he's as savvy as you say, challenge him - he'll love it..

    If you were to buy a holiday home - where & why - get him to do some research.

    He will find porn - live with it.   It was dirty mags back in the day - just make sure he doesn't pay for anything or give his identity away or screw up the computer with viruses. Smiley

    I got a cheap computer from ebay with it's boot discs for my daughter so if she messed up, wipe the disc & start again - she could build a pc from scratch and load an operating system aged 8.

  • in reply to NAS11546

    I think you may be turning the internet into something mysterious and exciting for him by the way you're limiting access to it..  Really, I think you need to be very switched on yourself and be showing how to get around safely without compromising his access.

    You need to suggest to him about keeping his identitiy secret and not 'giving' information away.  

    You need to explain to him about the dangers of the internet and what the risks are and how people are always looking to rip you off, steal your information and get your data.  Make him understand that the internet is there to be used - and I'm not sure I'd be limiting the access - I'd be encouraging him to talk to you openly about what he does and encouraging him to make fake ids.

    From the age of 8 I always encouraged my daughter to use the internet freely - as long as she protected herself by creating false identities and using false addresses and telephone numbers (we used legitimate addresses from major museums and their phone numbers for fake ids so any checkers would find a valid address).

    We created false Facebook profiles so she could look around and be nosey without leaving her own ID anywhere so she could see what it was all about - and see the bullying going on.

    She was all sorts of kids forums where she learned all about not getting into fights on there - because you really don't know who you're dealing with.

    She became VERY tech savvy and only started using her real name on the internet very recently - and she's now 20!

  • in reply to NAS11546

    If he is as good with tech as you say it will be difficult to find out what he is up to

    I can't really offer any advice on how to achieve it but you need to get him to understand consent and what he can/can't post online, have you spoken to him with interest in what he is posting as this may give you a way to cover some of the safety/privacy problems 

    The issue of him spying and taking pictures I think needs addressing as a separate issue as that us clearly crossing boundaries. Did you talk to him about why he did it? Or just stop him and tell him it's wrong, understanding what he was thinking could be used to explain why it's not acceptable.