When to pull the cord? Parents of ADHD/ Aspie 19 yo need help transitioning him to independence

Everyone in our house is so frustrated and there is no answer in sight.  Just wanted to check in with other parents to see what their approach would be.

Son turns 19 in 3 weeks.  He is Aspie, intellectually above average but not brilliant, very argumentative, very poor memory, no organisational skills and absolutely cannot or will not travel in a straight line.  Generally a good kid and willing worker but has very strong ADD and no impulse control.

Got him through college through endless organisation, research, reviewing work, ensuring completion.  It was literally wall to wall arguments and blood sweat and tears.  This year he is at Tech doing an IT degree majoring in programming which he is a whizz at. 

Decided to ease back this year due to 'He has to grow up and be responsible' and "No-one can live with all this stress and arguing'.  Got him a very basic benefit to help support him . Really only about 60 pounds equivalent but we thought it would give him some independence.  WE still pay everything bar his transport costs and some of his medical.  So phone, tuition, board etc.

Problem number 1, he keeps spending the money on games no matter how many times we tell him not to.  About 300 pounds in 3 months.  He thinks its his money but have explained we are paying for everything and the money is for the odd lunch, travel, books and some other personal expenses like haircuts.

First mini exam of the year and he fails.  No matter how many times we have told him or suggested to him a revision plan and just general organisational habits like looking on google classroom to see if a test is coming up or reading the course outline to find out what and when, he doesn't.  He didn't even put is his exam time extension form despite being asked to maybe 10 times.  He couldn't be bothered filling it out so he didnt.

So I reluctantly intervene and find all the info myself and get on with applying for him to have extra time etc.  And we have come up with  a set of rules around.  Bedtimes, study, gaming times and conditions and behaviour.  He keeps calling me names and arguing about every little thing.

Seem to have semi averted the crisis for now, ie: got him the best chances possible and got him focused on the next few exams.

He doesnt want the rules but we cant live like we are (We cook dinner for him and he wont leave the game long enough to eat it, he wont shower unless made to etc).  And he argues about everything all the time, he is too busy to do housework but, if he does 1 to 2 hours school work, he is entitled to 2 - 3 hours gaming minimum.  Does nothing for himself, makes my husband late for work most mornings as he wont get up off the couch and go and get dressed.

I have told him that if he cant stick to the rules he has to move out.  He says he cant and I am a tyrannical ***hole for giving him rules.  He has no self control.  If I leave him to his own devices he will fail.  He always does because he has no self direction whatsoever.  He wants to succeed but he wont make the effort to succeed.   I also cant be bothered fighting him any more or spending my entire life working for him but I know he wont move out unless I get the police and force him out and I couldnt go that far.

On the other hand, the entire family is tired of him treating us badly, always being so demanding and forcing the rest of us to dance to his tune.  My husband is 65 in 2 months and wants to retire but wont be able to while we are still paying everything for him.   We don't live in the UK and there are no free services for him.  I keep wondering whether he needs a mentor or counselling or whether this is just the way he will always be and that he will never likely move out or even remain home but live independently.  Or whether we just go all tough love on him.  

Suggestions anyone?  Either as parents or as a non neuro typical who has gone through this themselves.

How do we move him towards independence positively?  How much should we and when should we intervene?  As a family, what should we "put up with' and I know that is a horrid thing to say because he does have a disability but the whole family is tired of constant drama.  We love him and we want the best for him but we are not sure what we should do at this stage.

We are trying to get him a license but he isnt particularly motivated to do that.  He will go with us to practice driving but he likes being picked up and dropped off every day.  Its convenient and free.  He wont get his license unless we make it happen.

Parents
  • He does have an 8 year olds view and a really entitled point of view that is so unconscious (like a child) 

    We have that too.

    I am in a very similar situation and pondered the same dilemma for some time. Unfortunately I don't have an answer. My daughter also wants to do game design, but is in a state where she can't get her a levels and even less likely to get a job and not having the learning habits to succeed at university. . She too can code, but can't do the wordy staff for her computing course. She 'regressed' in terms of maturity pretending to be 9 years old. She sort of takes refuge in the bubble of safety, being a little girl at home with mum and dad, doesn't want to take responsibility, to impose any self discipline or follow the discipline I imposed .. The different is my daughter has severe depression and anxiety and does not have the right support at college, she lost her confidence and with her mental health problems she can't really breakthrough from this cycle without therapy. So I have a clear rationale why kicking her out would not sort anything.  I am genuinely curious how people resolve this conundrum.

    The psychologist explained to me that although it looks like a taking responsibility problem, actually it is an anxiety and low confidence, negative thinking patterns problem. 

    One thing that worries me is the potential confusion she has between playing games and game design...

    The other thing is the lack of motivation to do less pleasurable things, like written computing stuff. I am curious whether anyone has a solution how to get them motivated to do the hard bits together with the bits they enjoy.

    He has said to me a number of times recently "I have to do all this crap just so people will give me the opportunity to show them what I can do"

    This is maturity, experience thing and rebellious side. They don't have this as their internally driven life project, they are not planning their act and putting ducks in a raw to achieve their goals, are they? They just want to play coding, do you think?

    Does he have rose-coloured glasses about the reality of that job?  Deadlines, massive pressure, long hours and having to work on things he has no interest in?

    He doesn't realise that information security is integral part of game design, without it he will not get to design anything. He doesn't really understand the reality of a serious job, as Plastic said. I thought that some work experience, an internship could help my daughter to see what it's like. But she might not really process it, and it's nearly impossible to get such internship...

    Usually, when students fail, they can repeat the year if tuition fees are not a barrier.

    Have you heard of Coursera, Udacity? Those are online remote university style courses, but they are not accredited and don't count as proper degrees and I am not sure they would help into a career. But potentially it could be a plan C?

  • I have had a thought for a while especially during the excruciating last years of A level that the best solution may be to try and get him a job for a year or two so he can learn some life skills and 'catch up' with his peers.  My husband was really wed to the idea that he was capable enough to do the course but he is an intellectual type and not a pragmatist.  Absolutely my son can do the work intellectually but that is very different from having the behaviours and skills to do the course.

    It was good to here spectrum adults chipping in here and to have it confirmed that they are late developers.  My question has always been, is this really going to get any better or am I just expecting too much?  So its good to know it is probably all part of the process.

    We are very lucky that my son doesnt have emotional or anxiety issues as one poster said -us 'aspies' are tougher emotionally and that is certainly true of some atypicals?  But I think your psychologist has hit the nail on the head, they are keeping themselves safe, a bit of denial, a bit of laziness perhaps but definitely a safe space. 

    What I am going to do is get him a mentor and if it takes twice a week during semesters we'll find a way to pay.  However I am not fully convinced this will work as his teachers tell me he is very willing but they have trouble getting him to do what they tell him.  Its not a complexity issue, he either will not do what he is told or simply cannot 'walk in a straight line'.  So that is our first port of call.  If that doesnt work, we might gear down to 3 subjects per semester and see how that goes.  My husband has a large bank as a client and he works with their IT people a lot, they have initiatives to work with more aspies and internships for young ones.  Usually a bit further along in their studies but it could be a possibility he could get some unpaid experince.

    Otherwise its bombard the employment service to get him work of some kind so he can learn some independence and get confident in his own ability to cope and then back to studying.  We have youth unemployment here of 30% so he has never been able to get any kind of job and obviously isnt best suited to fast food.  But if I pushed it with the employment service I think they could get him onto one of their subsidised work schemes.

    In the meantime, we are going to start handing over more and more things to him bit by bit.  Like dealing with the Dr on his own, ordering his prescription and dealing with the employment service etc.  There will be disasters ahead but we have to lure him out of the 8 year old mindset safety net.

    Your daughters situation is clearly more complex.  First of all, her mental health has to be number one but you still have to put some stuff in place so she can start to progress independently.  Baby steps like doing some chores, filling in her own application forms or whatever is appropriate, just things that make her feel more confident about her ability to handle things bit by bit.

    Its a difficult one because the ADD kids in particular do tend to be lazy and hedonistic.  If it feels good do it and if it doesnt dont.  You kind of have to get them out of that world view.  My son is remarkably mature in many ways.  I have always said to him life isnt fair, in fact it often sucks but we all have to play the game or you end up working on the roads in the pouring rain.   So I kind of depersonalise the drudgery of it and concentrate my efforts on him developing strategies to work at the 'game'. 

    I imagine with your daughter a different school could help but that's not an option for everyone.  My neurotypical daughter went through the same and her confidence was totally on the floor.  I put her in a much more inclusive and values driven school and she has blossomed.  Now that she has started college I am forcing her to do speech and drama (I personally hate that kind of stuff) and she doesnt like it much.  But I am now seeing a more confident kid.  There's no more little querulous mouse when answering the phone and she tells me what she thinks much more often and smiles a lot more.  So school and in particular, the kids at the school, can make a big difference.  She now has various friends and costs me a fortune with her social calendar.

    As for gaming, I think they find that fun and they have no understanding of what it really means to do the job. They picture themselves sitting at home designing stuff.   I do wonder whether Aspie kids  are attracted to it because it is something creative they can do when they are not neurotypically creative.  Aspies love to find a solution and do something useful.  If its creative and glorious, all the better.  They cant draw or write, maybe cant handle tools but they can design.  So I think this is the real attraction.

  • Yes, you seem to have a good plan in place, of handing things to him, the work experience. I am encouraging my daughter to do some chores. It is slow and you just have to hope it will work out. :)

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