Published on 12, July, 2020
Everyone in our house is so frustrated and there is no answer in sight. Just wanted to check in with other parents to see what their approach would be.
Son turns 19 in 3 weeks. He is Aspie, intellectually above average but not brilliant, very argumentative, very poor memory, no organisational skills and absolutely cannot or will not travel in a straight line. Generally a good kid and willing worker but has very strong ADD and no impulse control.
Got him through college through endless organisation, research, reviewing work, ensuring completion. It was literally wall to wall arguments and blood sweat and tears. This year he is at Tech doing an IT degree majoring in programming which he is a whizz at.
Decided to ease back this year due to 'He has to grow up and be responsible' and "No-one can live with all this stress and arguing'. Got him a very basic benefit to help support him . Really only about 60 pounds equivalent but we thought it would give him some independence. WE still pay everything bar his transport costs and some of his medical. So phone, tuition, board etc.
Problem number 1, he keeps spending the money on games no matter how many times we tell him not to. About 300 pounds in 3 months. He thinks its his money but have explained we are paying for everything and the money is for the odd lunch, travel, books and some other personal expenses like haircuts.
First mini exam of the year and he fails. No matter how many times we have told him or suggested to him a revision plan and just general organisational habits like looking on google classroom to see if a test is coming up or reading the course outline to find out what and when, he doesn't. He didn't even put is his exam time extension form despite being asked to maybe 10 times. He couldn't be bothered filling it out so he didnt.
So I reluctantly intervene and find all the info myself and get on with applying for him to have extra time etc. And we have come up with a set of rules around. Bedtimes, study, gaming times and conditions and behaviour. He keeps calling me names and arguing about every little thing.
Seem to have semi averted the crisis for now, ie: got him the best chances possible and got him focused on the next few exams.
He doesnt want the rules but we cant live like we are (We cook dinner for him and he wont leave the game long enough to eat it, he wont shower unless made to etc). And he argues about everything all the time, he is too busy to do housework but, if he does 1 to 2 hours school work, he is entitled to 2 - 3 hours gaming minimum. Does nothing for himself, makes my husband late for work most mornings as he wont get up off the couch and go and get dressed.
I have told him that if he cant stick to the rules he has to move out. He says he cant and I am a tyrannical ***hole for giving him rules. He has no self control. If I leave him to his own devices he will fail. He always does because he has no self direction whatsoever. He wants to succeed but he wont make the effort to succeed. I also cant be bothered fighting him any more or spending my entire life working for him but I know he wont move out unless I get the police and force him out and I couldnt go that far.
On the other hand, the entire family is tired of him treating us badly, always being so demanding and forcing the rest of us to dance to his tune. My husband is 65 in 2 months and wants to retire but wont be able to while we are still paying everything for him. We don't live in the UK and there are no free services for him. I keep wondering whether he needs a mentor or counselling or whether this is just the way he will always be and that he will never likely move out or even remain home but live independently. Or whether we just go all tough love on him.
Suggestions anyone? Either as parents or as a non neuro typical who has gone through this themselves.
How do we move him towards independence positively? How much should we and when should we intervene? As a family, what should we "put up with' and I know that is a horrid thing to say because he does have a disability but the whole family is tired of constant drama. We love him and we want the best for him but we are not sure what we should do at this stage.
We are trying to get him a license but he isnt particularly motivated to do that. He will go with us to practice driving but he likes being picked up and dropped off every day. Its convenient and free. He wont get his license unless we make it happen.
Autistic people tend to be late developers - but I suspect the fact you're doing everything for him means he's still 8 years old in his mind. As he's on a degree course, is he actually able to do all the work or is he going off the rails? He might be good at programming but if he can't complete the written work he's going to fail - and he might be starting to realise it.
Kids generally seem very delayed in their growing up because of all the distractions from reality but 19 is still very young these days.
Does he have any friends? Does he have any external role models? (He won't listen to you vbecause you are parents) Does he have any social life?
If you think 19 is old enough (still a child/teenager these days), I think you might need to approach social services to try to get him set up for independent living - so if he crashes & burns, he can learn from it.
If you kick him out, then you're the bad guys - if he complies with 'help' from external bodies and fails on his own, then he'll have to examine what he's doing. Reassure him you're always there to assist - but you're not going to live his life for him.
You could try not giving him any money and see how he gets on - and maybe be a little less realiable and making him solve his own problems - learning the hard way.
Yes this is kind of where I have got to.
He is struggling on the course already. The vast majority of the work so far is dead easy (easier in most cases than what he did in the last year of school as they take non IT types on to the course as well). But he is struggling because of poor organisation and poor communication skills. Anything that is practical and on the computer he is walking through. Other stuff like User experience analysis for software engineering he is struggling with. Info security is so boring he has made no notes, read no books and didnt bother to complete any of the lab work until he discovered it is worth 30% of the mark. He is doing basics of computing and it is much slower and less techie than he wanted and because of this, he may fail before he can get to the stuff he can shine at.
He's made some friends at tech and we have encouraged this but they are a little like him and the whole 'who can look like they are doing the least work' may be a bit of a factor. He works a bit with a guy in his 40's who is trying a second career and I encourage this because he is super organised and really wants to succeed. With my sons tech skills, they compliment each other and I hope that maybe some of his approach will rub off.
Otherwise he has no role models hence why I wondered about a mentor. Sadly, all of our family live in other countries so there isnt much outlet for him. For me, it is about making him step up but there is always competing thoughts about - is he capable enough, will he eventually mature or is this as good as it gets. If he goes on to part time Uni, I think he would cope better but will anyone employ him if he takes 4 or 5 years to get a degree?
Is there a better option than a degree? Should we be looking at getting him various short course certifications in programming languages for example and then seeing if we can get him placed as an intern and work for free for 6 months.
So I think I have decided I will let him fail and give him all the freedom he thinks he wants. I have shadowed him right through school and I know him well enough to know that he will crash and burn and I find it really hard to stand by and watch that because in his mind he wont see it coming and will be devastated when it happens.
If he is a late bloomer we will just have to walk there with him no matter the cost or the time but he has to at least put a toe in the water and start doing things for himself. He does have an 8 year olds view and a really entitled point of view that is so unconscious (like a child) he will swear blind that he doesn't.
I think there's going to be huge glut of games designers in a few years. Does he have rose-coloured glasses about the reality of that job? Deadlines, massive pressure, long hours and having to work on things he has no interest in?
If he's struggling in the college environment, would he be better off getting a McJob and returing to education when his mind is more in the game? Will he be able to manage the placements?
Will he be able to cope in the confines of the work environment where he has no control over anything he's told to do?
I'm not up to speed on the NZ systems so I can't advise on any of the support networks out there.
I totally understand the worry - you're frustrated because you want to put your life experience into their brain - and you can see all the mistakes that they're going to make.
Being young is the time to make all the mistakes & false starts because you've got time to put it right - as long as you don't waste too much time blundering down the wrong path.
I think a calm talk about all of his options may be the best thing - no shouting - tell him you understand where he's at and ask him to chat about all his frustrations and go over some realistic options with him. The 'get out of my house' will just inflame the situation.
Not everyone gets a degree.
Some people are better off living a simpler life. It's frightening for a parent - but you can't be controlling his life and getting angry when he's 50.
He does want to do Tech, being a game designer would be his ultimate choice (like all kids) but he isnt best suited to the whole structured education thing as he has a number of weaknesses. We are in NZ and the learning choices and supports are minimal hence we have the highest (I think) % of degree educated kids in the OECD. But I have today read about an autism group which coaches spectrum people in getting a job. Maybe they will have some advice about how to go about getting experience and alternative pathways.
The college is being pretty good actually now that I have kind of activated the support which for some reason he didn't or wouldn't get round to. (Hard to know whether he was embarrassed, disorganised or even lazy)
One of the reasons we picked a degree from Tech is because of the work placements offered in the final year and the in business projects.that they work on.
I agree that he may feel he has been railroaded. Not by us specifically but by the system. He has said to me a number of times recently "I have to do all this crap just so people will give me the opportunity to show them what I can do". The problem is that that pretty much is the system and its not easy to find a better safer alternative. But I will talk to him about pushing him and whether he feels stressed. You are right about the supportive friend bit, it can be hard to stop being the protective parent after so many years especially when you are scared for them and feel like your giving an 8 year old the keys to your car.
If you don't mind me asking - which countries are involved? There's very different support depending on country - and different cultures have different expectations.
The time taken to get a degree is not really important - it's what skills & experience he has to compliment the qualifications when he's trying for a job.
I'd also try to get a meeting with the college and him and yourselves to see what support they can put in place for him - it's not intheir interest to fail him as that damages their results - so they will normally do everything possible to assist.
You might also need to have a calm, heart-to-heart chat about how is he's feeling about everything because he may be getting very, very stressed about the possiblility of crashing out of college and all the shouting, blame & repercussions that come with that.
Something I've always said to our daughter is you only get one life and doing things because of percieved pressure is the wrong thing to do - ending up in the wrong life is soul destroying.
What does he want to do with his life? What are his dreams? Does he really want to be a goat farmer or surfing instructor? Talk to him as a grown man (which he is) with his own views. There comes a point when being a parent comes to an end and being a supportive friend kicks in.
Is he terrified of disappointing you but has no mechanism to be able to broach the subject? His only outlet might be reverting to being like a child and refusing to face the growing problem.