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Please Help!! Agression out of control!

tracey68

I have a 16 year old son with ASD, he hasn't attended school since February due to him suffering with extreme anxiety and depression. No other provisions have been offered him and I have been fighting for months for help from social services and CAMHS. Camhs are on board and he's having therapy once a week (just started) but social services while involved are not doing anything to help. He has become totally isolated, refusing to leave the house most days, he is depressed, frustrated, and often talks of dying or suicide. I have had to give up my job as he cannot be left alone and the whole thing has had a massive effect on the family aswell as my son.I am trying to get him in to a private college for youngsters with Autism, but this will be a fight due to funding I'm sure. Meanwhile he is at home each day, afraid to go out, afraid of other children, and afraid of what is to become of him and his life. Despite all the time, love and suport from his sister, stepdad and myself he is spiralling out of control and I am fearful that he is going to hurt himself. He is having daily meltdowns, usually more than one or two and he is smashing things, slamming doors, throwing things at me and has even started pushing and shoving me.While I undestand the pain and frustration he is feeling it is very difficult to deal with day after day with nobody helping us.My husband has come to the end of his tether and fear he is going to leave any day, he cannot bare to watch my sons' destructive behaviour and aggression any longer, and the arguments have started!I feel as though our lives are falling apart and dont know where to turn, things are getting worse each day.Please somebody advise me how I deal with these meltdowns, I used to ignore him and he would calm down in his own time but the aggression has escalated towards the home and myself.And my fear is that he is going to hurt himself or someone. I cannot ignore that!!I'm hoping we will be successful and my son will be given a place at this wonderful college and his life could be transformed, but we are really struggling to cope at the moment.Any advice will be greatly appreciated!! Sorry if I went on a bit x 

  • Hi, this is my 1st post on here.  But I just had to reply to you.  I have 4 sons, 18,16,7 and 2 and the 18yr old has ADHD and the 7yr old has ASD.  My 16yr old is not diagnosed with any special needs but was diagnosed wtih depression last year but his behaviour sounds very much like your sons, including the broken new TV !   With or without ASD, 16yr old boys can be very hormonally aggressiven and withdrawn.  I have no answers for you as we take each day one at a time.  But just wanted to say that I completely understand, you are not alone.

  • hi tracey68 i was unable to pass your your post without tears in my eyes, to here another mothers life be in tatters just the same as mine is very upsetting.  I feel for you so much and have very real experience of the NON HELP you get from Camhs. I go through the same extreme meltdown attacks and have not receved very much help at all, my home link support worker is very nice and tried all she can with her knowledge and experience but this has not made a slght difference.  My daughter is only 5 and they have tried to push us away and not deal with her case for as long as posssible so by which time her behavious has distroyed the family, not that in any way anyone blames her, but the nhs way of doing nothing..... which has componded her problems.As i sad she is only 5 and we to have violent meltdowns daily sometimes 4 or 5 times in a day if somethng has stressed her. Which would be ok if we knew what it was that stressed her...!!!  Camhs have advised me to restrain her, which is almost impossible and i too get covered in bruses.  Its so hard to know what to do for the best.  Camhs do not come home with you and see whats gong on, so i set up a video camera in my front room and at my next appointment whipped out the laptop and said 'watch this please'... i have subsequently put huge pressure on them to get a diagnosis. (im sure my case worker thought it would be found to be 'nothong wrong just my parenting skills which needed work')  But it was almost satisfying to be proven i did know soemthing was up and my worries were correct, she has autism.  We could now get the help she needs !!! hahahaha this is i find not how it works... You still have to amke a fuss and be a pest before any one does anything.

    I have a small piece of advse, my doctor advised a visit to the local MP, which i wasnt sure how would help, but he was very nice and did express the possibility he could help with trying to find funding for the correct place my daughter may need to attend, it may be worth going to your local office and having a chat. Cant hurt.

    It very hard when the aggression is bad and i feel for you all as a family i really do understand the impact it has on everyone. I have a 2.5 year old and 18 year old in the house who have to suffer and vitness these rages, things being thrown, doors being kicked and broken, pinching, biting, the whole works,.... from a 5 year old. And you know Camhs still telling me you dont treat autism with drugs.... But im sure it must help with calming the daily life to the point you can make a breakthrough.

    xx

  • I wish i had answers for you - it sounds so like my 18 year old.  Things i can think of  to try that sometimes help him:

    The GP prescribed Fluotextine to help with anxiety. Dose recently doubled to help with depression too. We have been dealing with suicidal thoughts too.

    Getting out of the house even for 30 minutes every day seems to help. I use whateve bribes I can - cake at a cafe often works .

    Planning the next day before he goes to bed helps. Activity planning was something that helps when he had CBT where he identifies what he intends to do the next day . Eg computer game 11-12, lunch TV 2-3 etc.

    When we get violent meltdowns I try and get him out of the house and in the car - not by manhandling , but just by steering and suggesting. This lets him vent at me verbally and not break things / hurt people at home. Easier said than done but sometimes it works. What my son really needs is to just be on his own - often he will flee but doesn't get far as he never wears anything on his feet . Leaving him on his own is best if he is angry but its very hard. I have had may bruises over the years where I have tried to stand in his way. I now try and take precious things out of his way - eg his laptop, but you can't always stop it - foot though his  TV the other week.  I know my prescence somtimes makes it worse.

    I understand the husband issue. mine doesn't understand we need to do all we can to de-escalate and is helpless or makes things worse. If you can agree what his role is when a meltdown kicks off, it saves shouting instructions at the time.

    Sorry you have had to give up your job - it makes life very isolated. Try and get some time for you , even if its just 15 mins soaking in the bath. i find I get up early and get some time for me while he sleeps in.

    Can you do something to break the pattern - will he go with you and stay with a grandparent for example? Or could the rest of your family go away for a coupe of days just to change the environment

    Big hugs to you - stay strong and knock on any doors you can think of. I found CAMHS slow to react - tell them exactly how it is. I got the impresson they just assume you are coping unless you tell them otherwise.

  • hi - this must be so very difficult for everyone concerned.  Do you think camhs are helping?  Have they suggested a way forward?  I'm wondering because I don't know how expert they are with ASD.  Could your gp or camhs prescribe something to help relieve your son's distress to a degree?  Just to take the edge off a bit, if he was willing.  I know we have to fight for services, especially in the present economic climate where councils are strapped for cash, but I'd still pester social services if you feel up to it.  A pa, well trained and experienced in ASD, as mentioned by Bell, may be of help.  Autism specific care workers who are employed by an autism specific organisation are the best, in my opinion.  The carer wil liaise with their superiors and yourself so there should be interventions by others in the organisation on behalf of your son and his needs.   I'm sceptical about generic care organisations who have an "autism section" from 1st hand experience.  I hope things cool down for you soon  

  • hi i'm new to the site so prob can't help much but have you asked SS for an assessment of need? They will go through your sons needs and also you and whole family. I dont know whats available in your area but you could be offered personal budget which could be used for a personal assistant so that he / she could look after your son in your home and you could have the much needed together time as a couple / family. Also I'v found that you have to keep ringing / contacting people frequently until they get around to help you. Hope some of this helps x