Teenager out of control and violent

Thanks Binary.

99.99% sure the PC puts him in a state to be honest. I know in the past other poeple online have wound him up and hes smashed bedroom doors, thrown things, kicked things etc. When hes on his PC, homework gets neglected, simple tasks get neglected.

BUT when hes got no PC hes a different kid. Polite, does chores (all we ask is he feeds the cats if hes there, puts washing in basket, puts clothes in his cupboards), plays with his little sister and is generally a nice kid. Of course, a part of this is because hes trying to suck up to get his PC back I know. But the difference is amazing.

We've tried the contract thing. Ignored. We've cut down house rules to a minimum. All they are is 1) Respect other people live here so dont make a mess especially in common areas 2) Do your homework. 3) Treat everyone else with respect and no agression or violence. Thats it.

Trouble is hes had it easy for so long - our fault - theres nothing to reward - hes got it all.

I think we are going to have to limit the PC time to be honest.

This is an incredibly difficult situation. The use of the PC might be putting him into an escalated state meaning that it doesn't take much to tip him over. I think set times that he could have the PC might be a good idea. I think it would need to be very specific so he doesn't worry about not getting it. He may not like it to begin with but hopefully would soon realise kicking off wouldn't get him anywhere.

Have you ever tried a written contract with him? Some kids on the spectrum find rules easier to follow when they are written down and for a teenager a contract can seem more grown up.

Is there something you could use as a reward? Rather than a consequence? I do think he needs to understand consequences but I'm just trying to think how you could avoid the aggression. Say he has a list of jobs/behaviours he has to stick to and at the end of the week he gets a reward? Rather than losing something and getting angry?

I hope the situation improves for you.

The problem we have now is how to deal with this situation. It seems there are differing views whoever you speak to.

Like I said, in the past we've tried it all. The softly softly approach and it hasnt work to be honest. He just takes it as a free ride. We've sat him down many many times and calmly explained about boundaries and how violence is unnacceptable. Spoke to his CAMHS psych and his opinion is that he is 100% able to understand this and stick to this boundary and that Aspergers is not to blame here.

Without access to the PC hes a different kid - hes better behaved, speak to people, plays with his sister and does family stuff. If he never ever had a PC it would be a godend to be honest. BUT he does chill out and loves it.

Hes not got his PC at the moment since the issues. His mum is still very annoyed and upset - quite rightly and doesnt want to give him his PC back for a long, long time.

Personally, I don't know. One idea is he has no access during the week (might get him to concentrate a bit on homework) and just the weekend? I dont want to set it as a punishment (because it wont work anyway) but if I'm honest the PC is the root of all evil in the house.

It could go either way:-

1. He moans a little. He gets limited access and we get a better behaved kid because hes off during the week.

2. He kicks off because he has limited access, or doesnt understand why and thinks of it as punishment and it gets worse.

It sounds like you're stuck in a situation with no good choices :-(.  If he's too whatever it is to listen to good sense, and you've accepted that it's reached the stage where he's a clear and present danger to people in the house, then it seems he has to go...  I'm not sure what the options are, it's not my area, but I guess maybe speaking to the Police might be a good first step to see if they can point you in the possible directions.  I'm sure they unfortunately have to deal with more than their share of domestic abuse situations...

We;ve given him warning after warning. Not nastily but pointing out what could well happen if it continues. He assaulted me a few months ago.

A week ago he got in his mothers face and screamed "go on then lets go". He got warned what would happen if it continued. He got in my face the other day when the punishment was announced - just a PC ban until he'd cleaned up the wall. I ignored but AGAIN told him the deal.

Day later hes come home, decided he wasnt going to be banned. Mother turned PC off so hes shoved her flying.

We've honestly tried it all. He just will not listen or understand that there are serious consequences.

Its got the point now where hes a danger to other people in the house. As you say, if he was old enough he'd be gone by now.

IDK what age they're considered sufficiently adult now, but maybe you might consider telling him "currently you're age X and so we are unfortunately responsible for your actions, but when you reach age Y you're considered an adult and responsible for your own actions.  If you carry on as you are, then as soon as you are age Y and we are no longer responsible then I'm afraid you're going to have to move out and take responsibility for yourself because we are no longer willing to put up with your anti-social behaviour son.

Thanks Kerri.I called earlier and left a message.

Hi paulponty,

As suggested by Kitsun, you might like to contact our Autism Helpline who will be able to give you advice and information regarding the issues your are facing with your son.  You can contact the team via telephone on 0808 800 4104 (Monday to Thursday 10am to 4pm, Friday 9am to 3pm). The Helpline is often busy and it may take a couple of attempts before you get through to speak to an advisor. Alternatively, should you prefer to send a message, you can do so via their webform:  https://www.autism.org.uk/services/helplines/main/questions.aspx

There's also information on our website about dealing with challenging behaviour which you can find here: 

 https://www.autism.org.uk/about/behaviour/challenging-behaviour.aspx

I hope that helps.

Regards,

Kerri-Mod

escalated a bit again earlier. Son got home and wife told he was still banned. One thing led to another and he shoved her flying over a chair. Shes got bruises on her back, banged her head, suspected broken wrist. I'm picking her up from hospital later (had to bring 5 year old home).

I wasn't there which was probably lucky because I'd have intervened.

Of course, hes sorry now. Wife is upset but wants to get something sorted for him.In a way, I hope this gives him a bit of a shock and it hits home to him how bad things are.

have you tried calling the autism helpline on here for advice? 

Yes we've tried this. We've tried a few simple rules too. Just simple things like homework gets done at some point and food is not left around the house. Respect the fact that others live in the house, And no lying and definitely no aggressive behaviour at all.

He gets away with murder to be honest. But still he fails on all of these.

Of course, it takes some getting used to but when hes in your face screaming "go on, go on then lets go for it" (and this is to his 5ft 1in mother) then its a worry.

It must be difficult as it sounds like you've got normal teenage stuff which is aggravated by Aspergers. Would it work if instead of banning the PC per se, he just isn't allowed to go on it until he's done the things that have been asked of him? that way it's his choice whether he goes on it or not. That said he probably needs some down time when he first gets home from school but maybe there is an alternative way he can wind down e.g TV; read; exercise? 

Hes off again. Twice in two weeks.

Last night we found Coke all over the wall in the room where his PC is. We've got past experience with this sort of thing - hes lost his temper while playing computer games and broken things. Also, hes got a habit of something breaking (even if its an accident) and then just leaving it and not bothering to tell anyone.

Anyway, so we're 99.99% sure hes done this. So wife has a calm word with him and asked him whats going on here. In about 3 seconds literally hes gone from 0 to 100. Hes up in his mothers face (2nd time in a week now), being really aggressive and swears blind that no-one ever believes him and hes got no idea how the Coke got up the wall.

The things worrying us right now are:-

1) His aggression. He seems to think if he disagrees with someone he can get up in their face and escalate things. Let alone the fact that this is his mother we're talking about here.

2) He seems to think that hes not wrong. I've literally heard "I didn't do it and you always accuse me of lying" about 50 times. EVERY SINGLE TIME so far hes been found out. One time he is going to be telling the truth I know but still his average isn't good.

What do we do?

We've removed his PC privileges AGAIN. Mainly due to the unacceptable aggressive behaviour. In all honesty, if he'd admitted he'd done it straight away he would have been give a task to clean the wall, and a warning about his behaviour.

I honestly don't know how hes going to cope in the real world as an adult.

Thanks. Yes I really dont want to go for that option to be honest. As you say, I dont really trust what will happen.

Hey, new here and just browsing the forums, but what you describe is almost a mirror image of the problems my son had when he was living with his mother. She called the police one evening when he got violent thinking they would section him and they ended up arresting him for domestic violence. He spent the night in a police cell cooling his heels off and I had to drive down and sit in on the interview with him in the morning.

It ended OK as no charges were pressed and he was released into my care. But it was a sobering experience for him and not something he has any wish to repeat.

Obviously your situation will be different but I'd just caution that a police section may not be their response to being called.

Best of luck to you.

Thanks sunflower. Yes I think you're right about the PC to be honest- its all he cares about.

We don't ask much of him to be honest. Just a very basic consideration of the fact that other people use the shared facilities in the house but he treats the place like a squat. We don;t expect a lot out of him - just a basic consideration that other people live in the house too.

Because of the aspergers he gets every chance - we sit him down and explain. We give him days to sort something out (e.g. please clear up the mouldy food you left in the conservatory, please pick your clothes off the floor so thet can be washed) but he ignores us, he gets a reminder then another one. Then he gets a one day PC ban and it all kicks off.

BTW - he takes 150mg sertraline at the moment.

I know that getting police involved is the last resort. BUT, nothing is working at the moment, hes getting worse and there is the issue of the safety of the other members of the family. Hes much bigger than his mother and hes got a 5 year old little sister (who in the past hes been nasty to). I try not to confront him - hes been violent to me in the past (thrown things in my face, hit me with a water bottle in his hand etc) but me getting involved now is a bad idea so I try not to.

One of the problems here may be that using his PC is how he tries to calm himself down. In the longer term it will be important to try and stop his stress levels getting so high that things tip over into abusive behaviour. 

The consequences of him being taken out of your home put into some kind of secure setting could be very damaging indeed. I do hope that you manage to find the right kind of support.

For many autistic people teenage years can be very volatile and difficult. The differences between us and our peers become very obvious and the pressures at school and college can be intense.

It may well be that the PC represents a kind of lifeline, which is why he fights so hard when he is threatened with it being taken away. 

As Graham has suggested sometimes medication can help in the short term while longer term changes are being made. I have found taking anti-anxiety medication and getting psychological support very helpful indeed. 

I do hope you find the advice and support you and he need. It is a very difficult and painful situation for everyone. Living in this state of heightened tension is  really stressful. 

When I was a very difficult teenager (undiagnosed with autism) a psychotherapist friend advised my parents to ignore as much of my behaviour as possible to avoid confrontations. My mother never told me to tidy up my bedroom after that or begged me to join the family and eat proper meals - she just accepted things as they were. 

Best wishes to you.