Self-injurious stimming?

Hi, my Autistic 10yo son struggles to identify his emotions, and as a result can end up in quite a state when he's stressed/worried. He usually ends up feeling overwhelmed once he goes to bed, and I'll find him at the top of the stairs a couple of hours after putting him to bed saying he can't sleep, he feels sick, and covered in blood from where he's either picked at his skin, or bitten his lower lip! When I've talked to him about it he says it's not done on purpose (so not self-harming as such), he doesn't realise he's done it until he sees the blood. It seems to be what he does as he's lying there worrying. How can I help him find a safer/healthier way to deal with his stresses (& help him to recognise it better so he can talk to us about it!)?

  • I think every body is different and you are right. One approach won't fit all. And I wouldn't suggest pushing a child when they are in crisis to talk about feelings at all. Only when calm. We try to teach it through symbols and emojis for the reasons you have said so they can just show the card or point to the picture. Having other strategies is brilliant and of course having ways to calm down is the most important thing. But I do believe that we can help develop understanding of emotions (if only to a certain extent). I know I have improved since a child with emotions. As a child I was ok, angry or upset. I didn't recognise anxiety at all which actually was the root of a lot of the anger and upset. This is why this forum is good because lots of different advice can be given from different experiences. 

  • What a brilliant reply! I relate so much with wanting to be alone etc or getting away and focusing on other things they are the main things that help me most days. 

    But what you said about sleeping OMG!!!! I’ve never been able to explain that or know why it’s always been such a struggle but you explained it brilliantly. I still feel that way to this day our minds just don’t stop when we want them to!! I can be yawning like crazy and still not feel tired. 

    But yes brilliant response I hope this young mans dad can get some benefit out of understanding a bit more how we think about bed time. 

  • I do aswell there are strategies and things that can calm us down but sometimes when you’re just too over loaded you can’t control it and I’m the same I mostly try and punch the walls because I fill them in myself where as when I would break all of my things I’d feel *** about all my stuff being broken and my mom would have to replace it so yes directing it helps massively. 

  • With my hiding away was definitely something I did after I’d already melted down but now since I know it calms me sometimes I’ll do it for over active thinking, just a suggestion that maybe a safe place could be a calming thing and might just help before the problems occur, we are all so unique! 

    And yes many children do so that but I never grew out of it it’s always been an autistic thing for me and when I speak to others about it they don’t understand. 

     I used to do a lot of injurious stimming mostly banging my head against the wall and I would draw blood aswell as biting etc and I have hurt others aswell unfortunately I can think of better ways around it today like the examples I gave but I still hurt myself and others sometimes I doubt their will ever be a miricle option that’ll help every time. 

  • I receive many updates from various websites connected with autism on my face book account. Yesterday there was one titled and which said. “What I do to help when I am having a MELTDOWN”.

    reading through the replies the majority just wanted to be alone . Some wanted to be alone but with something which is sensory, others needed to be left alone but know someone was close by but not trying to communicate.

    All needed time to re settle or re adjust. Finding out what causes the lip biting won’t be easy as the child may not actually know themselves. Finding out what gives a feeling of comfort and security is essential, it won’t ever be the same for each child, but time to allow whatever it is to pass will be part of it. 

    For me sitting in a field completely on my own just watching nature would be my ideal, but as an adult I sneak off to the toilet or try to focus more on something anything to try and cut out the thing causing me stress.

    A sudden thought just popped into my head, I never liked going to bed, the whole process seemed wrong, invariably I wasn’t tired, so why get into bed and pretend to sleep. That was my lack of understanding that you just have to sleep,, they are the rules!

    for me surely I should sleep when I fall asleep?

    So lay awake for hours trying to lay still, wondering why as I wasn’t tired, hearing the sounds around me, my brother breathing, cars driving about outside, I knew the world was still awake elsewhere. So for me it was making no sense to even try. Phew,,, sudden realisation of why I hated the ritual of it all.

    We are all so very different, but mostly understand where we are coming from.

    glad the replies have given you some insight as to how our lives are.

  • Wow, so many replies! Thanks so much for your help, you've all given me a lot to think about. It's wonderful to get some insight from Autistic adults, as well as parents - as a NT parent it's sometimes difficult to 'get' what's going on with our children. Thanks all  - much appreciated.

  • I still demolish the house when overloaded to be honest, I've just learnt to be selective at what I have a go at Neutral face

  • Well, if I could replace my scratching and picking at my skin (stimming) by sitting in a wardrobe and it would work, I'd be happy!

    And... I think 99% of people have sat in a closet as a child and found it comforting and calming. Maybe they've chosen to forget.

    For me, you are 1. not harming yourself; 2. not harming others, so I don't see why it should be such an issue. If it helps you, it helps.

  • I see where you are coming from and recognising feelings can be very important! And most certainly is possible but for me I spent my whole life trying to understand feelings and I can still only really tell when I’m “ok”/on a level playing field or when I feel completely empty and off. 

    I have a basic understanding of needing to calm down because when I do get that “off” feeling a lot of the time it would build up to self harming or complete destruction of the house! So I understand not being able to calm down very much and it took my family ages to try and help and when to help calm down. Once a child has gone into meltdown mode aka hurting them self or breaking things uncontrollably you’ve missed the chance to help and when my parents would get involved it would often get worse. 

    My suggestion was to catch it before he starts wanting to hurt himself this I suggested by getting a toy or blanket or anything and telling the son that if he ever feels off or stressed that he doesn’t need to feel bad about communicating it just to get his blanket or whatever, this then removes the anxiety of expressing it to his dad and his dad can get a clear sign of when something is up because he will have his special object!! I find often that soft things or sensory stimulating items will help most.

    i am also speaking massively from experience so if you don’t agree that is completely fine all of us are on different levels of the spectrum! But reading this and thinking of it from the child’s point of view and my experiences with autism this is just what I thought would be most useful! 

  • I’m so glad you can relate to us enjoying a safe space aswell!!! I recently put a forum up actually to start speaking to parents and maybe even kids about autism since I’ve researched everything I can but it still seems very limited compared to what’s going on in my head!! Parents can help massively but I still don’t think anything is more effective than having someone who is also autistic to talk to because neurotypical people just don’t see it or experience things the same! 

    I relate to what you said about being a child so much I almost feel like what comes out to my parent is rehearsed and not actually me because as I’m saying it that weird empty feeling in my chest is screaming and sometimes I’d love to be able to tell them but my mom would always want to hug me and it would just freak me out and in turn that would make me feel guilty for not wanting to hug her. I don’t know if that rambling made sense but little things do just build up and make you super nervous about communicating it and soon it feels like you can’t even open your mouth!! 

  • I love that people can connect with what I’m saying on here and it feels great to actually describe it and have people understand what I mean!! I love that you can understand my idea of a safe space I’m used to people just saying why are you in the wardrobe Joy  Haha because they don’t understand the deep level of comfort it brings so it’s lovely to meet you amazing people and share them feelings. Definitely the hardest part for me was describing to people how I feel! They always ask what are you sad about and you can’t give a reply!! 

    Thank you for replying:)!! 

  • You descrine this so well NAS49869 and Lonewarrior - as a child I used to hide umder the sheets on he clothes horse, in the disused coal bunker at the end of the garden, under tables, or in my wardrobe.

    As an adult when overwhelmed at work I would hide in the ladies. I got moved into a busy call centre environment in one job (I have hearing loss). The only way I could make phone calls was to sit under my desk. I now realise why I found it so comforting to be in a confined space.  

    I think autistic people should play a leading role in the design, planning and inspection of services for autistic children, young people and adults. We should also be involved in staff recruitment and training, and education and advice for parents and carers. We really do see, feel and understand things in a way NT people cannot. 

    When talking to my mother about my childhood she always insists I was a very happy child. In fact I was torn apart by anxiety most of the time, but managed to conceal it. Even now I can't alert people to the fact that I am upset until things reach meltdown or burnout and it becomes obvious that something is wrong. 

    I have always worn a smile as a mask and practise smiling in mirrors. I am trying to,let that go now. 

    Thank you so much for your insights () 

  • I am not a parent. I am autistic. And yes I completely understand that autistic people struggle to recognise their feelings. Which is why we spend time with the children I work with (also autistic) helping them to have more recognition of their feelings. It does work.

    I completely agree with you that asking someone how they feel when they don't know is very frustrating. This wasn't my suggestion. My suggestion was to start matching emotions to things to help begin the understanding.

    Your suggestions of things that help calm you down are great. But you are showing some understanding that you need to calm down. This persons child doesn't. So yes he absolutely needs strategies like those. But he needs help to recognise when to use them.

  • Amazing how much I can read your words and fully understand what you are saying. As a child I spent most of my childhood hiding, in cupboards under coats hung up under tables at infant school, under my bed rather than in it, behind the sofa, even high up in trees, I felt safe being surrounded, enclosed, I imagine the modern tight fitting clothing works in a similar way?

    same as The weighted blankets, 

    Thank you for being so specific as an autistic who can relate your feelings so well, we are all different but each share so much just in different levels, 

    Our insight is so valuable to parents struggling to imagine what their child feels, the child often doesn’t even know as you said, I rarely knew myself, my reply was always “ I’m ok, “ regardless of how I felt. I cannot ever remember saying I was sad or upset, or even expressing any feeling in words, 

    thank you. ()

  • I have been following this thread and felt like adding my take to self harm stimming.

     For me I pick at scabs, press my thumb or finger hard into a sharp edge, double cross my legs until they are totally numb, I find the sensation of pain to be stimulating, in a way I think it allows me to connect with my feelings, 

    i have often thought why when my mum used to lay me across her lap and squeeze my spots as a teenager I would gradually start to relax until completely slumped but every time she would say “ is that hurting to much?” I would say no, I would then grit my teeth hold my breath as she squeezed so hard,,, it was a feeling that swept throughout my body, relaxed my tense muscles. I enjoyed it so very much, it was me and my mum connecting in such a mother child way. Also it may sound yukkie but the smell of her nicotine stained fingers only added to the pleasure, so smell was a sense stimulated also.

     Anyway I see my stimming to feel pain not as harmful just me connecting with my bodies senses, it stimulates my mind thus relaxing my anxiety.

    I never really harm to cause trauma, no cutting, no deliberate attempt to cause real harm, just controlled pain to release feelings of anxiety.

     I wish the mother well with her child, and hope she can find out what is causing the little one to stimming in such a strong way. 

  • Hello I’ve read the comments and you all seem like very wise parents!! But please from the mind of an autistic person please don’t always expect us to recognise our feelings! Usually an autistic person is very ecstatic or in a good standard zone, maybe you should teach him ways that make it easier for him to tell you if he is stressed! Since a lot of the time my mood can be thrown off by people asking me how I’m feeling I always reply I don’t know and go into deep thinking and it makes it worse this is because autistic people can’t take all of the emotions we feel and narrow it down into one specific and then take that and put it into a sentence it’s just too much for us! I strongly believe that making it easier to tell you he is stressed will help you resolve his stress instead of the behaviours that follow :) I believe this because I can’t even tell my own mum when I feel “ off “ or  overwhelmed because talking to parents can be a scary thing even with something like feelings which everyday people find easy and I still find it scary and hard and I’m 18!!! 

    Maybe if you have a toy or a blanket or a colouring book specifically for stressed times and you say when ever something feels strange to you just go get this item and when he has it you will know somethings up and it removes the stressful aspect of communication!! Then when he has his item you can proceed to do things to calm him down, even focusing on the item might help or scribbling and ripping paper. But yea my main point is that communicating is the hardest thing possible it’s what makes us autistic people so overwhelmed and upset it’s the fact that we can’t do it and if we can we can’t do it comfortably. 

    Some things that help me calm down even at 18: ripping paper, scribbling on paper, create repetitive hand movements to use as stimming instead! I know this might seem strange and it might just be me but being in a small space aka a cupboard or under a bed in the dark with my phone or something, I don’t know why but being in a small space where there isn’t much going on creates a very safe feeling environment which makes me feel happier apply this with a little bit of rocking or something and I will be calm in about 10-15 mins, sometimes this can happen after a big load of stress and I’ll hide away but sometimes I’ll just need space but if kid does hide best not to disturb them as it’s embarassing for us. 

  • I just break down and cry in talking sessions. That is, for the first three or so, and then I get soooo fed up with the crying and complaining that I don't find it useful any more. Especially if I have altrady taken necessary practical steps and there doesn't seem much ground to gain anymore.

    It is usually at that point that I stop. 

  • I can imagine that would be really helpful for people that don't have much understanding of their feelings/emotions or struggle to be honest about them too. I know I'd be rubbish in a talking therapy because I just tell people that I'm fine and tend to shut down if I'm pushed about it. 

  • I'm glad school is cooperative and happy he agreed to divert his attention. AND I'm glad he talked to you! It is difficult for children to talk about problems and for him especially.

  • Yes, I know right? I thought it was vague at first but that person I know really bokks progress with children AND adults too.

    And it is all a subconcious level so a much better approach for people who don't like or are tired of talking.