Advise please

Great advice Emma, thank you for sharing. 

Hi, 

I think Emma has given some great advice. My son 6 is the same. we use sand timers to help him know when we are going to stop or change what he is doing. He responds better to an alarm on his phone or iPad or sand timer then my voice.  I don't think he is trying to be difficult.  She is also spot on the it is not your fault or his, good thing to remember. Try to see what his triggers are and try a different approach. 

Discipline needs to be consistent, try not to use an angry tone, this will sound confrontational to him and not end well. I try to use a calm voice (deep breath helps :-) ) with clear direction.  If he is doing something wrong then tell him what he is doing wrong, I like to use the work we (we can do, we need to, we are going to) I feel it's less confrontational.   I often ask my son in a gentle voice if I can ask him something, then proceed to give him direction.  Many times waiting for a meltdown to happen or end is part of all of this.  Praise when things are good is very important. If he is doing something nicely or response in a good way I also praise him with a hug or high five, let him know when he is doing a good job.  

Again Emma hit a great point of ROUTINE.  This is so important, the more he knows what is coming the less stress he will feel. He will still be difficult but as he grows teaching him ways to redirect his emotional anger. sadness, frustration will be helpful.

We had to clean out my sons room so everything is in a clear bin.  He can only have one bin open at a time, this keeps the stimulation low and me from having to clean a mess every time he tosses everything about in a rage.  Plus he can throw things to hurt me or himself. We spoke about how I'll put it all away but he can have it anytime he wants just one tub at a time.  This really has helped him when he is angry to not toss everything but focus on what is happening.  He has soft toys to hit and a stretchy man to pull and something to bite on when he needs. Amazon has loads of great ideas ASD children.

Know you are not alone. We are all out here fighting the same fight. You are doing great :-)   

Hi there. Wow I was reading your post and relate to it all. My son is 6 and went through most of these issues. School have been extremely supportive though and made any adjustments he's needed. He wouldn't eat but he now has the same thing every day (jacket potato and beans!!) The head even bought beans for him before the caterers were changed. It's made a huge difference. It's the 'meltdowns' I've always struggled with and discipline. Grandparents don't always help and say we're not strict enough. I have started doing a lot more visual things for example we're in the summer school hols now. So I printed blank July and August planners off and filled in what we were doing when so he can see. He craves routine and itineraries so this works. I also use the countdown method to prepare him for mealtimes, bath time bed etc. I found a sandtimer worked really well before he learned to tell the time. I was saying 10 mins before bath time but he used to stress having no clue what 10 minutes was. The sand timer showed how much time was left. Now he has clocks every where. 

To Emma who explained the 'jarring' feeling. Thank you. That explains a lot and something the doctors don't say. 

Wish id found this forum sooner!!! It's fantastic for info and putting into words what others will understand. 

Hi,

That all sounds very familiar- I've spoken to another parent on here having similar issues with their child and I would give you similar advice.
It sounds like a lot of the areas you are struggling with are very much to do with how your son's autism affects his perception of and interaction with the world around him. Good news: Not your fault or his!

There are things you can do to try and ease the pressure on him and therefore cut down on the meltdowns (the throwing things, screaming moments), which are not tantrums but a release of an unbearable amount of tension and stress.

Re. Discipline: I find with autistic kids there is a great advantage to using much more of the proverbial carrot than the stick. Lots of autistic people find confrontation extremely upsetting/uncomfortable and especially as children (before they have learned to cope with these feelings) a telling-off can spark a full-on battle. Rewarding good behaviour is far more effective than punishing bad behaviour, especially as many of the "bad behaviours"you encounter will be beyond his control, adding to the perceived unfairness of it all and making his reaction worse.

"It can all start from something as little as it’s dinner time come and sit at the table please?"

This phrase caught my attention. A classic autistic trait is the inability to comfortably switch from doing one thing to another. When I was a child, being suddenly told to come and eat dinner when I was in the middle of something (excuse the analogy but I can think of no other quite as accurate) always felt a bit like being told to stop having a wee in the middle. Jarring and extremely uncomfortable! This is (like the feelings surrounding confrontation) something he will probably learn to cope with as time goes on, but at 8 he's not going to be quite there yet.

Implementing a routine that he knows (perhaps even a physical schedule on display in the house) and you absolutely stick to for evenings (Computer time at X-O-clock, dinner at Y-O-clock) and also providing warnings before an activity has to stop, warnings your son doesn't necessarily need to respond to or acknowledge (as forming a verbal response may have a similar jarring effect, so tell him before you implement the system that he doesn't have to respond, just start to finish up) should help enormously. Just at about an hour before say "dinner in an hour- start getting to a point where you can stop", then repeat at 1/2hr and 10mins- this should alleviate a lot of the stress by letting him separate gradually from his current activity.

Food was a massive issue for me too. What are you giving him? Autistic kids are often very fussy about food, especially when it comes to things like texture. It could also be that the dining hall has become a source of stress to him (too crowded? noisy? contains pupils he struggles to interact with or who pick on him?) and he isn't eating because of that. Ask him why he's not eating his lunch and try to change things up accordingly- if the dining hall is indeed the issue perhaps he could eat in an office as a reasonable adjustment on the school's behalf.

School is also likely to become more difficult as he ages and the social environment becomes more complicated as fast (or faster) than the actual schoolwork. For autistic kids it's like having twice as much to do at school compared to the other pupils, because not only are you learning the academic stuff but you are also having to learn by effort the social element that comes naturally to everyone else. Does he have support in place? He should have an IEP/EHCP in place as a diagnosed autistic child. 

So should you "let him run around doing as he likes"? Absolutely not. However, any discipline should be done in as non-confrontational a way as possible and there should be some leeway depending on the situation and the reason (as much as you can work it out) behind the behaviour, as there are things that your son may find inherently more stressful, difficult or physically uncomfortable than your other children and allowances should be made for that.

This is a great book that I hope will give you further insight, available as a free PDF http://www.autismforthvalley.co.uk/files/5314/4595/7798/Attwood-Tony-The-Complete-Guide-to-Aspergers-Syndrome.pdf or if you have any questions feel free to ask here/PM me.