Published on 12, July, 2020
im a mum of an 8 yr old boy, he has autism classed as high functioning autism and is in mainstream school. My hardest battle is with myself I’m not sure how to discipline as it always seems to descend into chaos with him throwing things hitting me or anything around speaking back and saying things like I don’t care, I won’t do as I’m told, you can’t make me. It can all start from something as little as it’s dinner time come and sit at the table please? I’m really struggling to work out is he just being a badly behaved child and my discipline is not right or is this autism related?
Recently im also having issues with him at school with teachers stating he’s refusing to do his work and we have always had issues with his eating at school and now they are starting to say he can’t concentrate in the afternoons because he hasn’t eaten anything at lunch.
I cant seem to find any support. The pedestrian only sees him once every 6mths and isn’t that much help, last time she told me not to let it get to the point where he loses it but I can’t see how I can let him run around doing as he likes when I have other children in the house.
Any advise would be appreciated
Hi,
That all sounds very familiar- I've spoken to another parent on here having similar issues with their child and I would give you similar advice.It sounds like a lot of the areas you are struggling with are very much to do with how your son's autism affects his perception of and interaction with the world around him. Good news: Not your fault or his!
There are things you can do to try and ease the pressure on him and therefore cut down on the meltdowns (the throwing things, screaming moments), which are not tantrums but a release of an unbearable amount of tension and stress.Re. Discipline: I find with autistic kids there is a great advantage to using much more of the proverbial carrot than the stick. Lots of autistic people find confrontation extremely upsetting/uncomfortable and especially as children (before they have learned to cope with these feelings) a telling-off can spark a full-on battle. Rewarding good behaviour is far more effective than punishing bad behaviour, especially as many of the "bad behaviours"you encounter will be beyond his control, adding to the perceived unfairness of it all and making his reaction worse."It can all start from something as little as it’s dinner time come and sit at the table please?"
This phrase caught my attention. A classic autistic trait is the inability to comfortably switch from doing one thing to another. When I was a child, being suddenly told to come and eat dinner when I was in the middle of something (excuse the analogy but I can think of no other quite as accurate) always felt a bit like being told to stop having a wee in the middle. Jarring and extremely uncomfortable! This is (like the feelings surrounding confrontation) something he will probably learn to cope with as time goes on, but at 8 he's not going to be quite there yet.
Implementing a routine that he knows (perhaps even a physical schedule on display in the house) and you absolutely stick to for evenings (Computer time at X-O-clock, dinner at Y-O-clock) and also providing warnings before an activity has to stop, warnings your son doesn't necessarily need to respond to or acknowledge (as forming a verbal response may have a similar jarring effect, so tell him before you implement the system that he doesn't have to respond, just start to finish up) should help enormously. Just at about an hour before say "dinner in an hour- start getting to a point where you can stop", then repeat at 1/2hr and 10mins- this should alleviate a lot of the stress by letting him separate gradually from his current activity.Food was a massive issue for me too. What are you giving him? Autistic kids are often very fussy about food, especially when it comes to things like texture. It could also be that the dining hall has become a source of stress to him (too crowded? noisy? contains pupils he struggles to interact with or who pick on him?) and he isn't eating because of that. Ask him why he's not eating his lunch and try to change things up accordingly- if the dining hall is indeed the issue perhaps he could eat in an office as a reasonable adjustment on the school's behalf.School is also likely to become more difficult as he ages and the social environment becomes more complicated as fast (or faster) than the actual schoolwork. For autistic kids it's like having twice as much to do at school compared to the other pupils, because not only are you learning the academic stuff but you are also having to learn by effort the social element that comes naturally to everyone else. Does he have support in place? He should have an IEP/EHCP in place as a diagnosed autistic child. So should you "let him run around doing as he likes"? Absolutely not. However, any discipline should be done in as non-confrontational a way as possible and there should be some leeway depending on the situation and the reason (as much as you can work it out) behind the behaviour, as there are things that your son may find inherently more stressful, difficult or physically uncomfortable than your other children and allowances should be made for that.This is a great book that I hope will give you further insight, available as a free PDF http://www.autismforthvalley.co.uk/files/5314/4595/7798/Attwood-Tony-The-Complete-Guide-to-Aspergers-Syndrome.pdf or if you have any questions feel free to ask here/PM me.
Great advice Emma, thank you for sharing.