This is my first post. My son is 10 and newly diagnosed ( 2nd may) for just over a year now my son's violence has got worse. It's now a regular occurrence weeks it's every day. We have tried everything and i am lost. He has started attacking his teachers aswell (he's in mainstream). My partner has 2 days off a week and they are when my son's at school i am left with my daughter who is 10 months and him the rest of the week which is when he is at his worst. I feel scared of being left with him. Everything is a weapon. Am i wrong to be scared of my 10 year old my family say it's stupid. What do i do?!
Hi I am not a medic, but a retired adult male engineer, only recently diagnosed Aspergers (ASC) myself. I have never really been violent but have had my share of 'meltdowns' over the years. Looking back I can see that my meltdowns have origins in my inability to express something, or the failure of others to understand 'what I'm really trying to say. Aware now of my condition I am better able (I hope) to see this happening and just shrug my shoulders and (hopefully) move on ... but I can imagine as a 10yr old it is not that easy. Can I suggest that he may be trying to communicate something quite subtle but quite important to him ... and failing to do so.
I feel very sad for you and for him, he probably just wants to love you and genuinely doesn't know how.
Very best wishes to you both. Ian
he does sometimes tell me i don't understand. I wanna help him and we do everything in our power but i think everyone has a breaking point.
What is it that he says when he's telling you what's wrong? What are the difficulties he mentions?
Everyone has a breaking point, parents just have to hang on a bit longer. It sounds to me that he has reached his ... he's trying to say something but is frustrated because he feels nobody is listening; so he tosses his rattle out of the pram! Once he's lost-it, then there's no going back. He probably realises he's over reacted, and is sorry, but doesn't even know how to say that.
To me it is/was like being in a goldfish bowl. You can't really hear clearly what people were saying, but you can see. And when you try to say something, they don't hear you, or don't understand ... so they just laugh at you. I suspect he feels that if only he was given a chance and if people would listen, he'd be as good or better than any of them. And he probably will be.
If he's an Aspie, I suspect your son understands the lessons easily enough, and he sees others struggling with them. He has no friends in the class so nobody wants to sit with him. Playground is hell. I suspect he has reasoned that he doesn't really need to go to school to be abused, he can learn stuff anyway. But it's complicated to explain to you, and in the meantime he keeps being sent. Sent to school against his wishes ... But he can't bear it any more. So that's breaking points all round!
And there is probably jealousy too. His new sister doesn't have to go to school, and inevitably gets all mums attention. And your new partner is also taking your attention away from him. It was just you and him for so long ... so now he starts to feel rejected. He just wants his mum back. He's a very little man ...
I'm an Aspie, I may not be right, but I speak it as I see it ... Please don't be offended, but if you find any of it is useful that would be wonderful.
Best wishes. Ian
He just says i don't understand but when i ask what's wrong it is everyone else's fault even if he is the one who started whatever it is or he doesn't wanna talk about it or after a meltdown doesn't know why he's done it. I am always calm i will try and understand and try and reflect. We suspect he has pathological demand avoidance (PDA) which isn't as well known as the normal autism if that makes sense without offending anyone.
It makes sense and doesn't offend me.
Here's a recent blog about PDA that I've linked to before - it's a bit critical, but also mentions techniques specific for PDA: